do u ever feel like sometimes you have invested all that you can invest?
sometimes i feel like i care too much and as a result i invest more than i should. i classify this as a strong weakness of mine because due to this emotional investment i end up dwelling and i end up hurt, which isn't all too healthy in the long run. sometimes i have expectations of a person that dont measure up, like they do something once, really amazing and heartfelt and kind but most of the time they mess up. i dont write people off right away [although sometimes i feel like i should] but i guess its that weakness of mine that keeps me holding on for hope that i will be surprised again, but then i dont, and it hurts more.
i live by the golden rule: "do unto others as you would have done unto you" its a very important statement to me and i really take it to heart, but somehow i feel like im missing the true meaning. im not by any means perfect, im sure we ALL know and can see that, but i do try my best to make someone feel special, welcomed, comfortable, acknowledged, loved...etc [even if they have to cut through a couple layers of sarcasm to feel it :)]. i live by this rule, well its more like a LAW, and i find that by having this little guideline i am able to invest more into relationships with the people i surround myself with, but its not reciprocated. no where in this little guideline of mine does it say that "doing unto others as you would have done unto you", guarantees that they will reciprocate the behavior. Somehow that message gets lost in translation to me. in my own twisted little reality of hopes and dreams i think that being nice to someone or doing nice things for someone means they will also do nice things for me. somehow that message does not click for me and i end up getting hurt. is that selfish of me to think or feel that way? i try to walk a mile in another person's shoes [another cliche saying that i use to help me understand people and where they come from] but i feel like no one would take a moment to walk in my shoes and understand my trains of thought/feelings. again is that selfish of me?
anyways back to the matter at hand, i imagined this summer to be unforgettable, amazing, incredible, a summer for the record books because i was turning 21 and i was going to be with my best friends...in reality im ready for summer to be over, as of now sure this summer will go in the books but its not one for the books, too be honest i could probably forget everything. this summer has been filled with a lot of inner turmoil and deep reflection. ive been trying to improve upon myself and strengthen mentally for the coming year but also because i was hurt by people i trusted and when i thought things would patch up, they didnt. instead they would mend a little but be torn open completely by something else, so its kind of like getting a scab but then picking it only to scab again only to pick it again, a never healing cycle.
of course i have thought of ways to let the healing begin, like stay away, dont invest, dont expect, but then i try and do it and i just cant. i dont know if i have invested so much time and energy into things that i just cant let go or if i just care too much to let go, or if i am pulling a Gretchen Weiners and just going through life enduring because its better being in it and hating life than not being in it at all, its kind of self-handcapping.
after the summer i dont foresee a lot of my "close" friendships going any further, i feel like i have invested TOO MUCH of myself to even try. i feel like i have lived by the golden rule and its just not worth it to keep hoping they will too. its just sad to reflect on these things because looking back, i put in a lot of effort and time and emotion into building my friendships and then realizing now that it has all gone to waste. they dont care about me at all! and now i feel like they never did! i once blogged about being scared of losing my two rocks but now i not afraid anymore. these rocks have proven to be unstable, unsupportive, and exhausting to maintain balance over. i think im ready to take the plunge. sure they will be there but for me they are nothing more than rocks, just there to be in the way, no help, no support, no hinderance, no challenge, just part of the scenery.
