into thin air

It's 3:30am. I have a final in 5 1/2 hours. Needless to say I am screwed...and yet I am awake.

I watched INCEPTION a little bit ago and I have to saw I was thoroughly impressed. The movie kept my mind running the entire time. I left the theaters wanting more but feeling emotionally exhausted.

While driving home the other night, the idea of Disappearing came into conversation. An acquaintance of mine is a drug dealer and pays everything in cash. We chatted about this behavior and how it was a good way to leave no tracks. If anything were to happen to this person, he could just pick up and leave. He could make it like he never existed. We talked about what it would be like if one day we just picked up and left. Closed our bank accounts, turned off our phones, left our belongings, and left our lives behind without saying a word. My friend said, "Sometimes I wish I could just do that, just to get away for a while."

I thought about it for a while. The thought of straight up deleting my existence went into my mind and left immediately after...NO I WOULDN'T DO THAT! BUT...Actually, it has been on my mind for the past 4 days. I really do wonder what would happen if I disappeared one day. Would people notice? Would people care? Would people look for me? This isn't meant to be some sob story or anything, I am just curious. This thought has been translated from my mind as "What would happen if I died today?" Sometimes I think it would be interesting to shut myself away from the world and turn off my phone, my facebook, my AIM. I think how nice it would be leave everything I know behind and start a new adventure as someone else, doing something else. I think how interesting it would be to start over, but then I think back to, If I disappeared would anyone notice, care, or look for me.

Something brings me back to reality and I think have I been living how I should? Have I been striving to be who I want to be and not who other people want me to be? Am I truly happy or pretending to be happy so everyone else thinks I am okay? I am making a difference and using this precious time GOD has given me to its full potential? Sometimes I say yes and other times I say no.

Sometimes I think vanashing into thin air is the solution to all problems. leave it all behind and float onto the nothingness. then I think vanishing into thin air is a copout. my mind is full of contradictions these days.

My path is long and weary. Where I am going is a mystery but where I have come has been an epic journey.

It's almost half way into summer so I thought I would update...

I'm in Norte now and it's been a pretty interesting transition to say the least. I really like the people I work with and especially the professional staff. They seem more invested and really supportive of us as a team. The great thing is, is that they recognize individual accomplishments as well as team ones, something I havent been used to in 2 years. Working for Norte has really gotten me more interested in Student Affairs and working with student leadership. I feel like I have found something I am really good at and will be successful with in the future. There is so much about Norte that I like and so much that I will still need to get used to with time.

One of my biggest challenges is trying to make myself and this position more meaningful. Obviously as an RA, living in the residence hall 24/7 enabled me to interact and influence my resies every day. In Norte, I am responsible for a group of residents as well but because of the layout of the building, I am not able to see them everyday and let alone talk to them. Learning names in Selva was easier because I was able to see my residents come in and out. Getting to know my residents now is way more challenging because I have to work around 2 sets of doors and a sporadic floor plan. I plan on hosting lots of programs out of my apartment, just for my residents so they will know where to find me [hopefully..*fingers*crossed* it works...]

I celebrated my 22nd birthday this month and i can honestly say that it was one of the best birthdays I have ever had...even better than my 21st! I was surrounded with amazing friends and my loving family. We ate delicious food and drank a shit ton [well I drank a shit ton]!!! I really felt special that day, getting facebook comments, text messages, phone calls, and just all around love. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS so much and a lot of people ask me why and I always say because it is that person's 1 DAY to spend it how they want, do what they want, and everyone tries to make sure that it is amazing! I am sooo grateful to have been blessed with the life I was given. It was an AMAZING birthday!

As of now, I am just doing summer school and going through the motions of daily life.