my FIRST thanksgiving

This year marked the FIRST thanksgiving I had to celebrate without my parents. It was kind of a reality check that I wouldn't have the safety net of my home home for very much longer. As my last year at UCI begins to end, I have no idea where I will end up in the next few months to a year. I could be snuggled safely here in Irvine or in the depths of the South or across the country in Jersey or even in a different country like Korea or Japan! Regardless of where I end up, this weekend helped me appreciate the little bits of time I have left! I appreciate the good that my parents do for me and the little things about them that make life so much easier.

This Thanksgiving I got to spend with my SISTER and some of my newest friends in Norte. We all got together to celebrate this amazing holiday with lots of food, drinks, and laughs! It was one of those college experiences that you would never really expect to happen to you. I always spent Thanksgiving with my family, in the comfort of my own home, doing nothing until the food was ready. This year we all got together and made our own little side dishes and came together and had a beautiful meal. My sister channeled my dad's cooking skills pretty well and made stuffing, corn, salad and fresh mashed potatoes! The rest of the food was fantastic. There were 3 pies [apple, pumpkin, and pecan], fruit salad, chips and dip, and of course the AMAZING TURKEY!!!! I couldn't have asked for anything more!

Although I was missing my parents, it was definitely a special occasion for me being able to spend it with amazing people.

LEGEND of the FALL

This is a brand new year! I feel so refreshed, so anew, so positive!
Things have been going well thus far. I haven't really been in the mood to blog lately, which is so weird because sooo much has been going on. It's my 5th and last year at UCI and I feel like I should be recording every moment and every memory of it but I haven't.

Life is super busy with Norte [duty, CAs, and programs], SigEp [phi coord, songfest, partying, hanging out with bros and being there for my brothers], School [well...it's school], and Family.

I haven't really talked about my time in Norte. But to be honest, this community has been the best thing that has ever happened to me [besides, SPOP]. My 2 years of housing experience have given me to confidence and security to know that I would do this job well. This experience has really solidified the fact that I can do this job for the rest of my life, at the professional level and eventually at the corporate level. There's so much I see that I can improve upon and so much that I wanna do to make the CA experience even better. I really love my team!!! I realize now that no matter where I go and who I work with nothing is ever really going to be perfect BUT as long as I do my best and work hard, everything will come together. I love this job so much that I'm actually burning myself out, which isn't good, but I just love working hard, for a purpose, and with people who actually appreciate me!

My attitude towards SigEp is completely different this year! Not only my attitude, but everyone in the chapter has really changed for the better! We all like each other now instead of pretending to like each other. I really want to put work into this chapter and make it better. I finally feel comfortable and able to put myself out there and just be a brother. I dont have a care in the world because I know that everything I do for SigEp I am doing to put my best foot forward! I've gotten so much closer with so many people in the chapter. I finally feel like I belong and have a solid group of guys to not only call friends, but BROTHERS. I havent felt this way about SigEp for over a year. I was so ready to Deactivate after last year. I couldn't stand the chapter. I hated how it was run, who was in it, how it made me feel. I can't even tell you why things are different now, but they just are! I think I stopped trying to achieve status but just let things be and have fun.

Last night was my Last Fall Formal as an undergrad. It was definitely one of the best SigEp memories I have had. It was so nice to celebrate our Founders in such a relaxed and fun atmosphere.

This fall has been absolutely amazing! I'm sooo happy with where I am right now in terms of the friendships I have, the opportunities I have been given, the things I've been doing. It can only go up from here. I have little less than 2 1/2 quarters left at UCI and it's shaping up to be the best year ever.

It was hard for me to fathom God's plan for me 6 months ago when I was faced with all this rejection, but now I see that he created an opportunity for me to grow as a leader and BROTHER in SigEp, and he is offering me the opportunity to get my life together for graduation!

I am so grateful! Thanksgiving has come early this year!

the final posts of the challenge

n9ne
My life is...AMAZING right now! cool and relax with a whole lot of FUN!



TENd!
The one confession that I wanna make is....that I push people away. I push people away because I don't love myself as much as I should. Sometime I live in this "fantasy world" where I believe that true friendship and true love exists and that in order for it to be real, I constantly test those people around me to see if they truly value me as a friend and to see if they really "love" me as a person or care enough to want me in their life. I push to the point where they just get fed up. I want someone to love me so much only because I don't know how to love myself. It's hard for me to realize that not everyone is like me and values friendship in the same way that I do. My insecurities are so strong that I am constantly evaluating, examining, reevaluating and reexamining every step I take. I expect so much out of myself and out of others that it has come to a point where I find myself not good enough for anyone and thus I push people away. I find that because I hurt myself so much I close myself off so that no one has the chance to hurt me more than I hurt myself. To wrap it all together, I hide behind a smile so that no one will see my pain. I am so good at what I do that I accept it and push through it.

5..6..7..8..

Cinco- I try not to live my life with regrets because I feel that every mistake or failure is a learning experience. I am going to attempt this in that by maybe not going that route, I would have ended up differently.

-I wish I never gave up football. I've I had stuck with it, I might have been a healthier person and been going to a different college and leading a different life.
-I wish I never convinced myself that joining a fraternity was THE THING to do. Instead, I should have joined when I was ready and maybe my friendships with my 2nd year roommates would have been better. Maybe I would even be more confident in myself rather than self-loathing.
-I wish I never lived off campus. Maybe if I wasn't so scared of losing my friends from the dorms and lived in VDC I would have been able to maintain my friendships with my 2nd year roommates.
-I wish I never talked shit about people. Because somehow it leads me to drama or gets me into trouble with the wrong people, people who have power over me in particular. If I took the nice approach to life and kept my words in my mouth, maybe people wouldn't think that I came off as fake.
-I wish I was never so critical of myself. Because if I wasn't then I would be able to live life a little bit more free and brave. If I wasn't so critical of myself I would probably be a different person.
-I wish I never compared myself to others and just took myself as good enough and the best person I know I can be. If I learned to love myself more, I feel like people would love me more too.

Anim
-Mom
-Sister
-Dad
-God
-Rocky


Shi-chi
-Smoking
-Rudeness/being a know-it-all/self-righteous
-Incompetence/people who are dense
-selfish/ego-centrics

8
-hair/eyes
-a wholesome personality
-good dancer

days THR33 and 4ouR

This isn't just how to win my heart but how to win a place in my heart

1.Know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling without me having to say it
2.Surprises, that are well thought out, that don't have to be big...it's all about the little things with me
3.COOKing...even if you can't cook, but just trying makes me happy
4.Share in my humor and have that connection to where we don't have to say anything to each other but just start laughing
5. Being close to my family and having my mother's love is just as important as having mine
6. Sharing something about yourself with me that maybe not EVERYONE would know or could tell
7. Remembering something I said a while back and bringing it up or doing something with it.
8. Telling me something that you appreciate about me or saying something nice about me on a completely random day, just to make my day.

the se7en things that usually cross my mind
1. "Do I smell? Omg I hope not!"
2. "Wait...I don't get it...maybe I shouldn't say anything" lol
3. "If I had my own reality tv show right now, this would definitely be an episode"
4. "I wish my life was a musical"
5. "I don't think they really like me"
6. "I'm bored, what should I be doing right now"
7. "I wish I had the ability to move things with my mind, then doing stuff would be so much easier"<---This one I think about A LOT!!!!

SECONDay

1.I am very guarded. I feel like that there are so many walls, I don't even know where my center is. I make myself appear to be pretty open and sharing but I only let people know what I allow them to know. There are very very few people who I really let in, and I don't even think they know everything about me.

2.Apparently my face gives me away. 9/10 times you can probably tell how I am feeling or what I am thinking.

3.It is really hard for me to get over something. Especially when it is something I take personally or care about. I forgive but I don't forget. Over time I am civil and nice but I will always know that you have the power to hurt me, it's only a matter of time.

4.I am constantly thinking about what others may be thinking or perceiving of me and I am always analyzing myself. When I think I also analyze situations. I analyze every decision I make or am about to make and evaluate different scenarios almost to the point where I OVER THINK.

5.I pride myself on being the best person I can be. But I put so much pressure on myself that even my BEST isn't good enough anymore. I put 110% of myself and my effort into something I love, and yet I still feel like I could be better.

6. I am very empathetic. I have experienced a lot of heartache and hardship [probably like most people] but I have made it a goal to make sure that I do what I can to make sure that no one ever feels alone/sad/upset/negative/etc pretty much any emotion that I feel.

7. I'm pretty insecure as you can tell from this list, BUT I am making steps towards loving myself more and being good enough for me.

8. I come off as pretty "aloof" or air-headed[not sure if that's the right word?] but most of the time I am not. I just sometimes say things without thinking about them. Yes, I am a little slow to understand sometimes but it just takes me a minute to really get it cuz I don't wanna misunderstand. And then sometimes I say stuff just to be funny and silly but I guess I am misrepresenting myself.

9. Here's something different but I want everyone to know...My MOTHER is my best friend! She is the most beautiful person and soul in my life. She is the kindest woman to grace this Earth. She is the STRONGEST and most POWERFUL person I have ever known. Her life story is my inspiration. She is funny in her own little quirky way. She is the most resourceful and creative being in my world. When you are around her, you don't feel alone. You don't feel afraid or scared. She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

dayONE

This 10 Day challenge is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought! It's only the first day!

1.Mom and Dad! Thank you sooo much for bringing me into this world and for providing me with all the love and support anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for accepting my faults and weaknesses. Thank you for everything I ever needed in life and knowing me, even better than I know myself. I am sorry for those times I failed and let you down. I'm sorry for the times I have disappointed you. I am sorry for the times I scared you. I am sorry for making stupid mistakes. Just know that everything I do in life is to make you happy and proud. I live for myself knowing that I am making you smile. I wake up everyday thanking God for having two of the most loving, understanding, accepting, and amazing parents in the entire world. I love YOU both soooo much!

2.Rocky! It has been almost 8 years since you passed. I feel sooo guilty for not going to the vet that day to say good-bye. I regret that moment in my life every day. You were the greatest companion our family could have ever had. I never realized it until after you were gone but we were sooo lucky to have you in our lives. Although you had to stay outside, you were always there. No matter what room we were in, we could look out the window and see you bushy tail, cute face, and purple tongue watching over us. I miss hearing the jingle of your chain collar bouncing happily around the backyard. I miss your soft fur and warm breath sitting next to me and sometimes lying in my lap on those hot summer days. I miss your excited bark whenever a "stranger" would approach the house or whenever you would hear us coming up to the front door. I miss knowing that no matter what you loved us every day of your life and despite if you got loose, you would always come back home. I'm sorry for not being a good master to you. I'm sorry for taking your for granted. I'm sorry for not always taking you on those long walks that you loved so much. I'm sorry for being selfish and put my tv time before your needs. I'm so sorry for not being there for you when you were ALWAYS there for me. I love you boy and I always will. Thank you for teaching me true loyalty and love. You truly embody man's best friend!

3.Kassie! Sister....god you piss me off sooo much! I feel like we have been hanging out too much together and so we are getting on each other's nerves more and more. I can't remember when we had a day where we didn't have some sort of fight. That means we fight a lot. I really hate when we fight. It makes me sad and yet I can't help but fight with you. Even though we fight soooo much I don't worry about us. You have always been there for me, especially in these past few years. I love you sister and I can't tell you enough how proud of you I am. There isn't anyone in this world who is more different than me and yet we are still so similar. You constantly push me to improve and make myself better. Sometimes it's annoying because you make me feel like I am not good enough but it is okay, I know you just want what's best for me. I just want you to know that I am trying to be better :D

4.Erin! I fucking miss you...you DB! I can't believe you just up and left your life here in Cali! how dare you!!!! It's been a long time since I have felt alone! Probably since my 1st or 2nd year in college! I wanna thank you for being one of my closest friends for the past 2 years. Never have I met someone so like me and so naturally fitting into my life. I feel like we just fit together and for some unknown reason you get me and we work. I have learned sooo many things from you....some good and some well not bad...haha jk jk! I really hope God brings us together again! It is really crazy how I don't get to see you everyday of my life anymore. I feel lost a little bit in the sense that I have to think for myself now that you are gone. When we were together I felt comfortable knowing that I had you to back me up or give me insight into the decisions that I made. Now I just go into things blind and prep for the worse while hoping for the best. You have really helped me grow in the sense that I stand by what I do, what I say and how I feel. I know my strengthens and I am aware of my weaknesses BUT I am not afraid! Thank you for making me strong!

5.Brandon, I don't know what happened. I feel like our friendship was a complete lie. I think going on my 5 years in college, you were the one person that hurt me the most. It wasn't easy calling someone my best friend [because I never had any] but you were the one person who took that meaningful title from me and threw it away. I thought we would be friends forever, regardless of our other involvements, but it didn't work out that way and now I just feel like I have this empty spot in my heart that won't fill. I am sad that the friendship that started in Selva our freshman year was not strong enough to last to the very last moment of UCI. Sometimes I blame myself for letting it all go to shit and for being the social pariah that I was. 2nd year was the hardest year for me and you knew that but for some reason it didn't work. Maybe I was too much of a burden for you to be friends with? I mean really, why did you need me when you had your "normal" friends. I forgive you Brandon for deserting me in my time of need. I forgive you for leaving me "to die in the street" when never once did I abandon you. To be honest, I probably will never be able to fully forgive you for being a lousy friend, BUT I am thankful for knowing you. I am grateful to have known that there are selfish people in the world. I am grateful for the fact that I was let down when I was because it was up to me to lift myself back up. I hope you got what you needed out of college and I hope get what you want in life. I hope that I was the last person you ever let down so that no one would have to know my struggle. Thinking back I realize that we wanted different things from our college experiences. I wanted to make a difference, change lives and influence the future. You just wanted to go through the motions and I hope that worked out for you. I truly hope that our paths do not cross again, because I am a better person for it. You taught me so much. You taught me weakness, sadness, loneliness, and self-loathing. Thanks to you I will never have to know those ever again!

6.EA and CW...My BIG BROS! haha There really isn't to much to say here really. We are just US. I joined SigEp because of you. I felt like I belonged somewhere because of you. I finally got the older brothers I always wanted but never had through the both of you. Thank you! The only time I was ever mad at you was last summer, but thankfully everything worked out. One of you never did apologize for that but then I figure, it's just how you are...emotions aren't your thing. I wish we could have all been RAs together, that would have been a really fun experience, plus because I was a really good one! haha just kidding...I owe a lot of my success as an RA to the both of you. You really helped me overcome a lot of my fears and prepare for a lot of the hard moments. I felt super fortunate to have you there when I didn't get called back for returner. Although I was super sad, it was nice to have my reality tv show come to an end haha! I miss the stupid stuff we would do and talk about like my show haha I miss the LATE LATE LATE night talks we had, the random hangouts and of course the AMBER ALERTS! Thank you for making my college experience even that much better. I can't wait until the day we meet up again!

7.Scott [Lil B] I am proud of you! You have 4 years to improve our legacy in SigEp. I wanna apologize for not immediately being a GREAT Big Bro! But I hope you know that I will always be there for you! This isn't goodbye or anything, we still got a whole year ahead of us but I just wanted to acknowledge that you do make me proud. I am so lucky to have you for a lil bro and I really hope that during this year our BB/LB relationship will grow stronger and we will get to be really good friends! I am making a promise right now, this very instant that I will be the best Big Bro you will ever want or have! haha

8.SPOP: Thank you for the greatest 2 quarters of my life! There is no other pride than the one I have for SPOP. Because of the program and the Gold Year staffers I am a better person. Thank you SPOP for giving me something to live for and helping me to start my new life. Thank you for making me feel that I was finally good enough for something. Although I am disappointed with my experiences with the program for the past 2 summers, I am happy to see the positive impact it is making on every future generation at UCI. I am honored to have gotten to know your SpLove and to have felt the Spmagic! I am glad to have the Spmemories and Splaughs and anything else SP...thank you for everything.

9.MESA pro-staff: I put 2 years of endless blood, sweat, and tears into you! I put my heart and soul into your community. I loved you and now I am apathetic. Thank you for again making me feel like I am a one chance charlie! I will never understand what truly goes on behind closed doors but I do know that I busted my ass every day I worked for you. I put my job before myself because that's how grateful I was to get the chance to be an RA. I put 110% every single moment I was in Mesa, even when I didn't get returner I busted my ass. I hope you know that I was one of the best RAs you could have ever had and no one had MORE love than I had for my residents, my hall, my maintenance staff, and the community. My only hope is that in the future you do not let your personal feelings about someone overshadow the job requirements they fulfilled. I hope that you do not punish the future residents from missing out on a great role model, because you are too insecure to address the strong candidate and voice your concerns. I wish you had given me the opportunity to grow and learn from my "mistakes" or at least make me aware of your feelings like you did with the fail of a returner you had last year. I find it completely hypocritical to have allowed that person the opportunity to improve and yet she still failed and with me you did not give me a chance whatsoever. I guarantee you that I would have been an amazing returner and I would have taught the new staff soooo much. But no, you kept it political and corrupt. You missed out on a great staff member and I just hope you realize that! Thank you for fueling my drive to be AMAZING. Thank you for solidifying that working for housing is what I really want to do and when I get to the top, I will prove you wrong!

10.SELVA: I am truly blessed to have such amazing residents like you! Thank you for making me feel successful as an RA when I know that I could have and should have been better! I love you all so much and could not have asked for a greater group of people to work with! I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and I hope that we will be in touch because you know that if you ever needed me I will be there for you!


HOLY CRAP! I didn't realize that this is how my list would turn out! this is unedited. I just wrote and wrote and wrote. I have the opportunity to change my writing right now but I don't want to deny you the full experience into my being! haha enjoy :D

10 Day Challenge!

Day One: Ten things you want to say to different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.


I'm sooo stoked to do this!!!

into thin air

It's 3:30am. I have a final in 5 1/2 hours. Needless to say I am screwed...and yet I am awake.

I watched INCEPTION a little bit ago and I have to saw I was thoroughly impressed. The movie kept my mind running the entire time. I left the theaters wanting more but feeling emotionally exhausted.

While driving home the other night, the idea of Disappearing came into conversation. An acquaintance of mine is a drug dealer and pays everything in cash. We chatted about this behavior and how it was a good way to leave no tracks. If anything were to happen to this person, he could just pick up and leave. He could make it like he never existed. We talked about what it would be like if one day we just picked up and left. Closed our bank accounts, turned off our phones, left our belongings, and left our lives behind without saying a word. My friend said, "Sometimes I wish I could just do that, just to get away for a while."

I thought about it for a while. The thought of straight up deleting my existence went into my mind and left immediately after...NO I WOULDN'T DO THAT! BUT...Actually, it has been on my mind for the past 4 days. I really do wonder what would happen if I disappeared one day. Would people notice? Would people care? Would people look for me? This isn't meant to be some sob story or anything, I am just curious. This thought has been translated from my mind as "What would happen if I died today?" Sometimes I think it would be interesting to shut myself away from the world and turn off my phone, my facebook, my AIM. I think how nice it would be leave everything I know behind and start a new adventure as someone else, doing something else. I think how interesting it would be to start over, but then I think back to, If I disappeared would anyone notice, care, or look for me.

Something brings me back to reality and I think have I been living how I should? Have I been striving to be who I want to be and not who other people want me to be? Am I truly happy or pretending to be happy so everyone else thinks I am okay? I am making a difference and using this precious time GOD has given me to its full potential? Sometimes I say yes and other times I say no.

Sometimes I think vanashing into thin air is the solution to all problems. leave it all behind and float onto the nothingness. then I think vanishing into thin air is a copout. my mind is full of contradictions these days.

My path is long and weary. Where I am going is a mystery but where I have come has been an epic journey.

It's almost half way into summer so I thought I would update...

I'm in Norte now and it's been a pretty interesting transition to say the least. I really like the people I work with and especially the professional staff. They seem more invested and really supportive of us as a team. The great thing is, is that they recognize individual accomplishments as well as team ones, something I havent been used to in 2 years. Working for Norte has really gotten me more interested in Student Affairs and working with student leadership. I feel like I have found something I am really good at and will be successful with in the future. There is so much about Norte that I like and so much that I will still need to get used to with time.

One of my biggest challenges is trying to make myself and this position more meaningful. Obviously as an RA, living in the residence hall 24/7 enabled me to interact and influence my resies every day. In Norte, I am responsible for a group of residents as well but because of the layout of the building, I am not able to see them everyday and let alone talk to them. Learning names in Selva was easier because I was able to see my residents come in and out. Getting to know my residents now is way more challenging because I have to work around 2 sets of doors and a sporadic floor plan. I plan on hosting lots of programs out of my apartment, just for my residents so they will know where to find me [hopefully..*fingers*crossed* it works...]

I celebrated my 22nd birthday this month and i can honestly say that it was one of the best birthdays I have ever had...even better than my 21st! I was surrounded with amazing friends and my loving family. We ate delicious food and drank a shit ton [well I drank a shit ton]!!! I really felt special that day, getting facebook comments, text messages, phone calls, and just all around love. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS so much and a lot of people ask me why and I always say because it is that person's 1 DAY to spend it how they want, do what they want, and everyone tries to make sure that it is amazing! I am sooo grateful to have been blessed with the life I was given. It was an AMAZING birthday!

As of now, I am just doing summer school and going through the motions of daily life.

nervousWITHanticipation

This whole week of "summer vacation" I received has nothing but a prolonged instance of my inevitable. I move into VDC Norte in a few hours to start my final phase of life here at UCI. I'm nervous. I haven't lived in an apartment in 2 years. The last time I did it was the worst experience of my life. What will my roommates be like? Chill? awkward? hard to live with? I hope they are CHILL! I really wanna get a long with them and even come out of this experience not only as roommates but as friends. Mike Um will be a good roomie I think, I just wish he would move in ASAP instead of in August.

I start training on Monday...what will my new team be like? I just gotta make sure I give off the right impression, dependable, assertive, team player, positive, and fun. All the qualities about me that I want people to see. *NOTE to SELF...stay away from the DRAMA!*

Good luck me!

That's what I call a finale...waiting for reality to set in

2 days left in the year and it was nothing short of surprising and dramatic! Literally 4 hours after my latest blog the RA staff received an email...."Dear RAs, effective immediately _____ will no longer be with us. _____ will have no RA for the last 2 days , please take extra care to patrol the hall during rounds. Thank you for your hard work".

I was at dinner with my usual crew and burst out in disbelief! The instant commotion and concern kept my adrenaline PUMPING. We all could not believe it...Would they really do that with 2 days left...text text text text text...THEY REALLY DID IT! Initially I was very sad. We started this year a team of 29 and we end with 28...granted WE as a team were not best friends, did not spend every waking moment together, but we did have a mutual respect for one another. Thinking about the situation a little bit more, I understood that it had to be done. People make decisions that are not good for themselves and the team, decisions that in fact go against what we stand for as RAs, it wouldn't be right to give someone a slap on the wrist for something that is not conducive to our cause.

Although this came as a surprise to our team, we all knew that deep down it was for the best. We finished our dinner at Red Robin and headed back to Mesa. This night was also Erin's Last in Irvine, so it was kinda of sad. Natasha and I bought her some going away presents and made a cd for her of songs to remember us by. we also made our way around mesa to hand out hall glasses...we ended up catching a party in lluvia, the beginning of many...when the glasses were handed out and the conversations were said n done, ERIN wanted one last trip to DENNYS so we went. It was a lovely time...got to see our favorite waiter Mohammed haha

we got back to mesa at around 2:30pm...as i walked back to my hall, I ran into duty and they informed me that they just came from writing up 3 parties in my hall [FUCK!!!].

They told me the situation and I made my way back. I ran into some residents who were there, they told me the situation and of course I had to do something to fix their mistakes. Needless to say I was pissed! how could they be soo fucking stupid/irresponsible?!?!? Not only was it a fiasco dealing with my residents, one of their friends damaged MY hall! A bulletin board was ripped off the wall and bent, 2 exit signs were broken [one broken off the wall], this was the fuel to my fire of rage. I wanted to cry, I really did...it was 5 in the morning, I had a final at 8am and all this crap was happening...I sent an email expressing my disappointment, anger, and embarrassment. I received many apologies from my residents but at the time I couldn't truly accept them. I was exhausted emotionally mentally and physically from the entire year!

I woke up to the calls and shakes of my residents the next day, "Kar, you have a final at 8...wake up!!!" Holy shit what a great way to start my day...got to my final 30 minutes late [better than not showing up at all]...i just hope i pass the class! I cant stand going to school every single day of the week!!! Anyways, the whole day was bittersweet, talking to my supervisor, Chris, helped a lot though. I just talked to him about how much I blamed myself for the incident and how embarrassed I was. He reassured me that I did the best job I possible could with the year and in the end residents will do what they want to do. He told me that the situation will get resolved and that I should just take the time to rest. My parents came to visit Friday as well. Hanging out with them helped me get a mini escape from the night before. Just spending the day with my family was really nice. Erin also left that day and instead of seeing her face to face we decided a phone call bye would make it less painful...that night consisted of hanging out with residents and reminiscing on the year.

Saturday move out day had arrived, quite unexpectedly actually...as the last few residents made their way out of the hall, i sat around trying to be productive and trying not to be sad. one by one they we said our goodbyes and quite literally as 12pm hit, the doors were unpropped and SELVA 2009-2010 was closed. The feeling of never having to open that door again to a resident was a little strange and a bit anti-climatic. I thought a huge wave of emotion would plunder of me and yet i just stood there for a bit, watched the last few cars drive out of my lot and went back to my room...empty. i sat on my couch prolonging the packing process by watching tv and youtube until i had to do a follow up meeting at 2pm.

We heard the final speeches from pro-staff, avoided some tears and received final instructions for our move out. Some of us went to the housing office to return and exchange keys. I handed out the glasses I wanted to give to a few pro-staffers and then walked out. I met Ashlee outside of Ondas where she was waiting for me. We walked toward Selva, slowly in hopes of prolonging the inevitable goodbye. We stopped, I looked at her with tears in her eyes and she started to say goodbye..."This sucks" she said, "This is something great. You don't leave something great to go back home, you leave home for something great". I hugged her tight not wanting to let go because she was my friend, one of the few whom I let into my guarded person this year. I cried trying to reassure her that this wasnt goodbye that next year is only 3 months away. She thanked me for being there, for being the one person she could count and rely on. I kept crying. We embraced again, one last time before she had to go and finish her last minute packing. I told her to change lives this summer and I would see her real soon. With that, we made our tearful departure from the comfort of each other.

So that's it! The season finale of [THE VINE]. It has definitely been a roller coaster of a year and nothing short of dramatic. I truly enjoyed my years in MESA and I am going to take away a lot of memories and life lessons. I will be starting off a new life, [maybe a new show? haha jk], in VDC Norte and I am a little bit terrified of what I am going to experience over there and how life will be different, especially for my last year! I guess we will find out!

The [REALITY] to my life

So I came up with this concept in high school about how much life should be a reality TV show! I was watching shows like LAGUNA BEACH and I thought to myself DAMN I could do that! My show would be sooo legit and so full of DRAMA...oh the high school days.

Before you read any further, please forgive this ridiculousness that you are about to endure! I have an overactive imagination and I just let it run wild with this idea. A lot of things are vague [like the DRAMA] only because it involved more than just me. this is just like an overview of my year but in REALITY TV SHOW terms.




I applied that same concept of REALITY TV to my life these past two years working in mesa...my show is called...[THE VINE]....I know cheesy but its perfect for REALITY TV...When I started working in Mesa I was sort of a secondary character. My position in housing was definitely not one for prosperity or recognition. The first season started out with the 08-09 RAs as main characters, specifically EMAN curtis JESS van PAUL and the rest of their friends [i dont really know too much details] You could say I was promoted to a regular cast after about FALL quarter when I joined SigEp. I became more apparent and familiar Eman and Curtis' lives and we started to hang out more and more. Of course I had Erin and Natasha by my side as well and they were more regular secondary characters as well, in my life. what would any good show be without lots of drama and last year there was a crap ton of it; only, because there were 2 separate groups essentially we were all dealing with our own issues and only came together at night times to talk about them over hookah and tv.

The VINE was solidified for a second season when Erin, Natasha, and I got RA for 09-10. It opened up a new plot, new characters, and of course new drama. The end of season 1 was bittersweet but also exciting. I had to say goodbye to a lot of good friends but I was looking forward to starting a new chapter and piloting my own "show". In the finale we saw 08-09 RAs say their goodbyes and see ya laters and watched as Eman Curtis and I moved into a summer house with one of our fraternity brothers.

Season 2 starts off at the end of summer with me saying goodbye to Eman [my big bro] as he drives off towards Norcal and then saying see you soon to Curtis as he packs up and moves back home to Diamond Bar. I pack up my things into my Corolla and head down Culver back to Mesa. I get to the Housing Office, pick up my keys and open the door into my new home with a sigh of excitement. This season started out with a bang in that the new team started getting to know each other really well. Erin and Natasha made their appearances as main characters as well as NEW characters Ashlee and Shaun. This season brought back a few familiar faces from the 08-09 team our 3 returners Jmah, Frances, and Boggy, but Jmah was the only one of the 3 who was Main casted. There were also secondary characters who jumped between secondary and main throughout the whole season, whom I was able to get pretty close to; Danielle, Josh, Max, Gwendy, Graham and Ryon. And just like that, Fall quarter started. The first few bits of "drama" would probably be individual dramas within each of our own halls and during hall meetings. It was the first time I think all of us realized that this job was more than what we thought it was going to be and yet we still bonded. This year has had it's fair share of DRAMA and FALL Quarter was definitely the beginning. It set the precedent for this LEGIT season of [The VINE]. This year brought back a really important character from last season as well. Curtis went from main cast to main secondary supporting cast. He was definitely my anchor to the past and that person in the show who provided unbiased insight.

When I didn't get cast for Season 3 of [The VINE] my heart was pretty much torn out of my chest. It was definitely a dark part of the show and captured a different side of me that a lot of people don't see. Erin and Jmah wouldn't be returning to the show either because she was graduating. Natasha and Ashlee also were not asked to remain on the show. It was definitely a sad time in all of our lives. If you didnt catch it [we didn't get returner]. This left the show open-ended and allowed for a revamping of the cast. Ryon Graham Josh and Danielle were all resigned to the show with Ryon Josh and Graham becoming main cast and Danielle the option to float between secondary and main. I'm not too sure about what next season has in store and who is new cast and what not but it is definitely sad to see this season HAVE to end.

Season 2 went on a little bit of a hiatus for a few weeks after some lingering drama was squashed at the start of Spring Quarter. When it returned, the more cynical Kar and Natasha returned. Shaun became more of a secondary character and we were able to see Gwendy, Ryon, and Graham more often. Ryon and Graham were incorporated more into the series since they were becoming main cast. We also saw a lot more of Curtis as he was the one who kept me sane for the rest of the quarter. It wouldnt be a season finale without more drama. just as we thought this year would end on a good note another conflict arose between some staff members which is pretty much lasting until the end of the season. There have been some amazing times on this show overall. If it were real, you would see a major transformation of me from Fall Quarter up until this moment. It's June 10, 2010 and the season finale is scheduled for June 12, 2010. I have no idea what's in store in the next 2 days but all I know is Erin's last episode is tomorrow and the season ends with all of us main characters going our separate ways. Erin on a plane...Natasha to Middle Earth, Ashlee to Super Camp [Stanford], Jmah to Chapman then Boston, and finally Me to NORTE. Thinking about the end is depressing, I don't wanna say goodbye to my friends. I don't wanna have a montage of this year paying tribute to myself and my friends, I dont wanna move on from my comfortable little life, I just want to stay this way forever [or at least until I get sick of this safe routine].



This season on [THE VINE] was one for the record books. Next year will probably be the 3rd and final season of the show but I am really excited to see how it turns out. Maybe I will get to make some guest appearances on some episodes or be referenced throughout, who knows. I've had a great season and I am really honored to have been able to narrate this season. I kinda feel like LC right now haha or Kristin [but shes a mean beezy and I don't think I was mean] but anyways....thanks for giving into my madness and looking at this nonsense post! I apologize if you are weirded out. I just finished a HARD final and took a break before studying for my 8am FRIDAY LANGUAGE FINAL! wahhh!

I dreamed a dream

It was my dream to become an RA. It was my dream to live in the same residence hall I lived in my first year. It was my dream to have almost 80 different people to make memories with and to share my experiences with. It was my dream to influence change, make change, and be change. It was my dream to be a great RA. Some way and some how my dreams came true!

There are tons of people out there who can't say that they have lived their dreams. Fortunately for me, I am one of the lucky ones who has lived their dream and then some. This has been the most amazing year of my life. I have learned so much and accomplished so many wonderful things. The best way to describe is like being on a ROLLER COASTER. The twists and turns, dark tunnels, highs and lows were enough to make someone puke after one quarter. I endured, challenged and overcame each obstacle all 3 quarters.

the RA job as most people wrongfully assume is not just breaking up parties, doing lame programs, and making rounds. yes that is a large part of the job but there is sooo much more to it than just that. you have to be a chameleon. you have to adapt and change and maneuver your way through each task that life, your residents, other residents, and professional staff throw your way. you have to be smart, on your game EVERY SECOND, you have to be fun, you have to be invested/committed, you have to be balanced, you have to be creative, you have to be a team player, you have to be authoritative. MOST of ALL you have to be READY FOR ANYTHING.

The most valuable piece of wisdom I got from this year and this position is that anything is possible. with your residents and your team there's no IF only WHEN. After being an RA you see everything in the book and then some. You have residents climbing out windows, scouting for duty and then warning their friends, multiple weed calls in a single night, poop in the hallways, pee on the seats and floors of bathrooms, property damage, kids on the roof, smuggling alcohol into and out of rooms, getting bitched at and cussed out for doing your job, getting patronized by cocky residents, having a teammate forget they have duty or forget to pick up duty, team conflicts and major drama, prostaff conflicts and personal drama. all in all you just have to be READY because life happens and there are no instructions for how to deal.

Selva has been my home for 2 out of my 4 years at UCI. The both times I have been here, I have had the most incredible experiences. As a freshman, I was able to take a dip into discovering who I was and determine where I wanted to end up. As a 4th year and as an RA on the other side, I am able to see where I have been and help those take their dip into discovering who they are. So much has happened this year. I have had my ups and I have had my downs but again I realize that I am going to be alright. this year has seen me at my worst but also coached me to my best. And it shows...my best shows through my residents.

It is soooo amazing to see how quickly 9 months goes by but also how much can change and develop in 9 months. I wasn't preggers or nothing like that but I feel like after these 9 long and hard months of "laboring" I have born 76 beautiful, amazing, and legit people into this world. One of my RA friends was telling me a story about my residents a few weeks ago. She was saying how my resident sassed her and how she was "offended". My resident responded, "You can blame my RA for that". That was the biggest and most amazing compliment I have ever heard. Granted it doesnt sound very nice, but my RA friend and my resident were totally joking around, they really get along. When I heard that he has said those words I was truly touched. Never did I think in a million years that someone would "take after me" or be influenced by me that much that they would pick up some of my mannerisms. I did not think I was around enough for my residents to pick up on my little quirks, I always wanted to be around more this year. I didn't think I was that memorable or impactful for my them to see that about me. I loved it!!!



Last week was my HALL BANQUET. Literally most stressful day of my life. I was running all over the world trying to get everything ready and perfect for the big night and of course, since my life is not perfect, everything was going wrong. I was running late, really late and things were not going my way. My resies were anxiously awaiting for the festivities to begin, all dressed up and looking fabulous. With the grace of the Lord and the help of two of my closest friends, I was able to set up the room. I ran back to my hall to change, 7:45pm my event was to start at 7pm. I got to my front door and I had to stop and catch my breath. THEY ALL LOOKED AMAZING. I was so touched that they would really put effort into looking nice and presentable as well as just show up...for me! I did a literal quick change [5 minutes max] and we headed back to the banquet room. I gave a little speech and covered some brief closing details and thanked them for an amazing year. We ate catered PANDA EXPRESS [well they ate, I was so pumped with adrenaline, I forgot about being hungry]. the banquet wasn't as all out and crazy as maybe some of them thought it to be, but it was really nice to see everyone smiling, taking pictures and enjoying our last times together. I even got to take some pictures with a few residents whom I thought hated me a year! They went back to SELVA and I cleaned up. I also handed out all their presents [custom mixing glasses] which I think they really appreciated. I finally ended the night with a lil midnight adventure to an undisclosed location, which did not turn out as well as I thought haha! let's just say what happens underground stays underground! haha anways...We as a hall were riding high!







The thought of this year wrapping up saddens me deeply!

Clusterfuck of Emotions

This weekend was very bittersweet for me! It marked the end of my run as Sigma Coord. Although I am glad that I don't have weekly meetings to run anymore or to make like a babysitter and ensure that the newbies are on track, I am going to miss being able to work closely with the future of SigEp. Being a Sigma Coord was a huge goal for me from the moment I started in the chapter. I really enjoyed working with these "impressionable" young SigEps and I am honored to have been a part of their growth in the chapter. I have had two quarters as a Sigma Coord and it is really crazy to see how different two quarters and two classes can be. Over my two quarters and two classes I can say that the experience has been a trying one and a learning experience. There have been points of success and points of improvement but overall I am grateful for the experience.

Over this past weekend I got to experience somewhat of what an employer or SPOP coord would experience in "rejecting" an applicant. I got a greater understanding of what it is like to tell someone that they aren't able to do something, regardless of how hard they worked, how hard they tried, how much they've grown. I got to experience what it was like to ruin a person's plans, and let me tell you, it sucks! I got to be the "Bad Guy" for once and it was hard. It is so hard to tell someone that they can't do something because of limitations of guidelines you have to follow. I can't imagine what it is like to reject hundreds of people, let a lone a good handful. My heart goes out to those interviewing or rejecting at this moment because it harder to let someone down rather than pick them up.

I couldn't bring myself to go to Cultural Psychology today because of the news I received today. I applied for student coordinator of Wellness in Mesa Court and today I received my rejection letter for the position. Another let down from the place that I dedicated 2 whole years of my life too. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to raise hell, but all I could do was cry. I had to gain composure for myself so I couldn't go to class because I knew I would lose it. Instead I tried to surround myself with the company of some friends. I have been fighting back to the tears ALL DAY long because I figure, what's the use in crying? It won't get me the job, it will make people feel uncomfortable around me, so instead I just had to do what I always do, suck it up, put on a happy face and look for the positive.

I have been doing this thing lately, especially after being rejected multiple times, I look at the experiences I have had in my college career and I be grateful for them. I have missed SPOP every single day of my life for the past 2 years and when I look back on it, I smile and remember all the amazing times I had. I reflect on my past two years in Mesa Court and smile at all the things I learned from Pro-Staff, student staff, and residents. I look back on these past two years and I am terrified. I a terrified to move on but I am grateful for the experience. This last letter I received from Mesa solidified the fact that I am truly DONE with Freshman Housing. It has been an amazing run and I learned a lot about myself, but the thing I have been holding onto for the past 3 months is finally going away and I need to be ready to let go.

I look at these rejections as a SIGN from GOD telling me that maybe I need to focus on my schooling for the next year. I made it a goal for myself to try and double major in Social Ecology and Criminology. Maybe this is the time for me to actually follow through. Next year I will have a lot of free time and so I will be able to focus on myself. All I have going for me are SigEp, VDC Norte, and school. I think I will be okay, of course, as always, I will need the time to heal and I will probably not want to be anywhere near Mesa any time soon but I feel like it comes with the territory.

thank you Mesa Court for 2 of the best years of my life. This chapter is closed. the road is long and may seem wary, but the path is clear.

artistic piece of mind

Today my spanish 1c talked about Picasso's 1937 Masterpiece "Guernica". We talked about the time period in which Picasso painted this artwork, we examined the things that popped out at us first, we reflected on how the painting made us feel, we pondered why it was created in black, white, and gray. While we talked about these different topics, I found myself thinking about how much I love and appreciate art.

I find it so powerful and moving to look at a piece of art or listening to a composition of music and just become so overwhelmed with emotion that you have to look away or stop listening in order to gain composure. Maybe I'm being a little too over dramatic but that is the feeling I got when I looked at Picasso's "Guernica". I looked at it and initially felt the chaos and commotion. I read about the painting's history and artist and examined it more. I could see every emotion and sense every feeling that Picasso aimed to illustrate. My teacher pointed out symbols and interpretations of the painting and I saw more, I felt more, I wanted to know more.

Class ended too abruptly for me today, I think because I was so intrigued by this piece of art and so focused on examining more of that, that my BIG and I discussed how much we both appreciated the wonders of art.

Guernica has had a really big impact on political activism over the years, especially with Afghanistan and other Middle Eastern countries. The image used most from the painting is of the mother [clearly in distress and suffering] holding her child [I'm not sure if the child is dead or alive]. Glancing at the picture one sees a wailing woman holding a baby. Looking closer, one can infer that the length of the mother's body and the someone distorted length of her arms holding her baby makes the shape of a CROSS. Another inference could be made that it may be the Virgin Mary holding the childlike "dead body" of Jesus Christ [aka the PIETA]. To me, regardless of religious inferences, the image represents the death or innocence. The mother grieves over her child who was too young and too innocent to start a life. Instead he lies in her arms. This part of the painting is powerful because women and children are always seen as the most innocent people within a war or conflict. The loss of these lives always ends in tragedy and I feel like Picasso illustrates that well.

I know I talked a lot about Guernica in this post, but I felt really strongly about it today, probably because it reminded me of how much I love art.

I think I'm going to take another trip up to the GETTY or visit the OCMA/LACMA and spend the day embracing the art.

I want to get AWAY...I want to FLY AWAY

I wish I could FLY. I just wanna leave the constraints of my life as it is right now and just FLY. I feel that one of the reasons why I feel so empty inside is that I have become complacent and ungrateful. I feel that I have stopped living and just resorted to going through the motions. I sometimes I feel trapped in my world. The only world I know is the tiny bubble of UCI and Rancho Peñasquitos. I wanna get out of here; I need to get out of here. I need to refresh my perspective on life and experience other cultures and cities. Lots of people have told me to try going abroad because it truly is an experience of a lifetime. A really good friend of mine went abroad almost 2 years ago [I believe] and she came back eyes open and ready to face life in America once again. A bunch of people I know are abroad right now, teaching English and experiencing cultures and discovering the true size of an ant. My sister went abroad last summer for 5-weeks she said she hated it over there at the time but confesses almost every day that she would do it again in a heartbeat.

I hear these stories and cant help but feel envious of these adventures. I feel like I wasted my opportunity to study abroad last summer banking on one thing and this summer I will be working in housing. I wanna get away, I wanna fly away.





I wanna see the world, appreciate its gifts, experience its hardships, engulf myself in its mysteries. They say the world is your oyster...I wanna open it up and find the pearl that is inside. I wanna get away and rejuvenate myself for life.

Maybe one day I will get away.

Hardiness

I took a class on Existential Psychology this past quarter and although it was freaking boring, the things I took away from it truly make sense. My teacher, Salvatore Maddi, was the person who coined the term "Hardiness". Hardiness is the building up of existential courage through commitment, control, and challenge. In order for one to be existentially hardi and have courage, one must consistently choose the future and face ontological anxiety. Ontological anxiety is pretty much the fear of the unknown. If one does not choose to fear the unknown but instead take comfort in the past, then one develops ontological guilt and build up of this guilt leads to depression and other existential sicknesses.

You may be wondering why I threw out all these terms when a) FINALS are OVER and b) YOU have NO IDEA what I am talking about. So one of the things I have tried to do over the past couple of years, especially trying to think of my future after college, is apply what I have learned to every day life and the world around me. Taking this class on existentialism and essentially "Hardiness" was kind of perfect for me. This concept applies to my life so much more, now that decision letters have come out and emotions have settled down.

In this class we learned that in order to live an Authentic Lifestyle of Individualism, you must build existential courage and be Hardi. Coming into this class, I felt like I was already hardi [especially after the toughest 2 years of my life, I couldn't be anything but Hardi]. Then we learned that although one may be hardi now, this hardiness does not last and must always be maintained through commitment, control, and challenge in every day life. I learned that I must constantly push myself forward no matter how uncertain I become. This is where my real-life situations and morals come into play.

Not getting SPOP last year damaged me. The heavy blow to my ego and person started the crack to what I thought was my Hardiness Shield. Getting RA repaired the damage to the shield that I was wielding. Not getting SPOP last year and the pain I felt then, made me not want to apply again in order to save myself from the heartache [that makes me prone to ontological guilt]. Fast forward exactly 12 months...

I applied for SPOP again, going into my interviews confident in myself and my cause. I reapplied for RA being confident in my skills and my leadership qualities to get me a second chance. I applied for Summer Conference Assistant believing that if I didn't get SPOP well at least I would still get to work with them if I got Conference Assistant. I applied for Community Assistant in 2nd year housing [to just have more options].

Decision letters came out FRIDAY...Rejected, Rejected, Alternate, and Congratulations...I was feeling hurt, vulnerable, ANGRY, worthless. All the negative emotions I felt that day overshadowed the Congratulations I received from VDC Norte. All I could feel was emptiness...Deep down I felt, I understand now why it is so much easier to choose the past, to avoid this heartache. My hardiness declined for 4 days straight. The commitment, control, and challenge I faced for 12 whole months was brought down in a matter of hours. Negativity always does that to a person.

This is where the Hardiness comes into play. I messaged the beautiful and wise Hannah Johnson Friday night about how lost I was feeling. She messaged me back after a couple days with the most beautiful, wise, and heartwarming words I could ever imagine. Granted they weren't what I wanted to hear..like "WTF thats BULLSHIT you should have gotten it" but more like "I understand that it sucks but the OPPORTUNITIES for your are still countless. You don't need SPOP to change lives and be who you are. Be glad that you got to be on an Amazing Staff already." She told me to take the time to find out for myself what I wanna do with my last year and enjoy it. Simple solution to such a complex mentality.

This is where the ontological anxiety will be experienced...HJ is right, I don't need to returner or do something again in order to feel good or be defined. My definition comes from the experiences I have had, are having, and will have. SPOP came to me in one of the darkest times of my life and it has brought me out of those times to shine BOLD and BRIGHT. RA has been my dream since I started college and accomplishing and living my dream is enough for me. VDC Norte CA is a new frontier that I haven't clearly defined nor experienced. It should be the perfect start to a new outlook on life. I cant feel the anxiety building...they say when you love something, let it go and it will come back to you one way or another...MY LOVE FOR SPOP WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME but it is time to let it go. It is time to stop living the dream and discover a new reality. I am grateful for the experience I have had and the life lessons I have learned and now my hope is that someone will have just as amazing an experience with SPOP as I did. I LOVE being an RA. The interactions and relationship building I have with my residents and the staff is something I will never forget. Mesa was 3 years of my life [dorms, CP and RA] it will always have a special place but I am called to move on from this place and let fresh ideas flow into the community. As much as I am going to miss being in Mesa and working with professional and student staff, I feel now that it is only RIGHT for me to move on. Mesa will be losing a large asset and a truly dedicated staff member, but they are gaining a new perspective.

Finally, I feel terrible that I haven't been as excited to be a CA in Norte as I should be, and hopefully you all understand that it has been a tough couple of days to actually sit down and rethink everything that has happened in the past 4 or 5 days. Looking forward to my year next year, I wanna be excited and passionate. I wanna find new ways to excel in my leadership and relationship building. I am going into this opportunity completely BLIND and ALONE...I don't have my support system of Erin or Natasha with me next year and that scares me shitless! for the past 2 years, I have been able to depend on them and trust them with my everything...next year I have to find a new faith in people and depend more upon myself. This is where the Hardiness begins to rebuild itself...I must COMMiT myself to spreading my wings and putting myself wholeheartedly into Norte next year, I must CONTRoL my attitude and personal situations in order to be successful in my position next year and I must CHALLENgE myself to make the best out of my situations and taking every opportunity to learn about my position, about others, and about myself.

...the next few months are filled with NEW CHANGES and NEW OPPORTUNITIES...HARDINESS is beckoning!

Don't FAULT ME...I'm Human

If we get cut, do we not BLEED
If we get scared, do our hearts not race or bodies begin to tremble
If we are sad, do we not CRY
If we are happy, do we not LAUGH and SMILE
If we are angry, do we not scream!
We do these things because we are HUMAN.
We do these things because they are NATURAL.

So please for the first time in 2 years let me be HUMAN, let me be NATURAL, let me BLEED, let me CRY, let me tremble, let me SCREAM!!!!!

I am HUMAN, that is all I am and that is all I claim to be! I apologize to those who read this, I mean no disrespect....I am only HUMAN.

2 years ago I was given this amazing opportunity and 2 years ago my life changed. 2 years has gone by and I am at a stand still. 1 year ago I applied. 1 year ago I was rejected. 1 year ago I felt that I was not good enough, that I wasn't ready, that I didn't deserve it. 1 year passed and the time came again, new year new opportunities right? WRONG! I spent 1 year hoping and wishing and praying and did what I thought was growing and what took me a year was DESTROYED in a few hours! FUCK!

My life is not over, I am still standing, the only difference is that I am coming out HARDER and COLDER. Maybe that's better! This world is cruel, harsh, and full of bullshit! I realize that now and honestly I am better for it! Better late then never!

they say, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all or BUT I say, IGNORANCE is BLISS! If I had known 2 years ago that the program I fell in "LOVE WITH" and the "PEOPLE I LOVED" would fuck me up in the end I wish I would have never known that love!

They say, try again, you never know next year, I say NO! there is no next year. I am not going to ALLOW ANOTHER YEAR and ANOTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE TELL ME I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH WHEN I KNOW FOR VERY WELL that I AM THE BEST I CAN EVER BE!!!

NO ONE MAKES ME FEEL WORTHLESS. NO ONE MAKES ME FEEL LESS THAN WHO I AM...NO ONE!!!

I'm tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else. I'm tired of living on edge and being afraid to offend anyone! I'm HUMAN and that's all I can ever be!

OBVIOUSLY you can see that TODAY has been a HUGE disappointment for me! But for most of you who have other lives or have been given opportunities, you probably don't care! PERFECT!

I am 1 for 4 today. I was given the opportunity to be an CA in VDC Norte and instead of being excited and proud of myself, I couldn't help but feel like crap because I wasn't good enough for MESA COURT anymore, I wasn't good enough to work as a Summer Conference Assistant, and I wasn't good enough for SPOP. I don't see what Norte saw in me....I guess they didn't speak to the other programs I applied for! I feel like a condom...USED for the GOOD TIMES and flushed for when it's over!

You're probably reading this and are thinking, damn what a selfish motherfucker and I apologize if you feel that way but, I am HUMAN. I put myself into everything I do and when it comes to be that myself isn't good enough, I take it a little personal. But WHATEVER....I need to start caring about myself and making myself feel better becuz for sure no one else will care about me or make me feel better!

FUCKING A man! I hate this feeling! At least I know that I have one year left to enjoy myself, to not live on edge, and to not care about what others think and just LIVE! I am FREE!

Teacher..really? ME?

I never would have thought of this RA job as what it has turned out to be. That sentence sounds wrong but I will try to explain it out. My RA was the best; he let us party, he looked out for us when we partied, he even partied with us at the end of year. When I think about the things my RA did for us my freshman year, he wasn't really a good RA. Granted because he let us party, he was the best RA and we chilled with him a lot, but other than that there wasn't much to the relationship. I have actually kept in touch with my RA over the past 4 years. Calls here and there, random sitings on campus nothing to major, and I am still grateful of the amazing first year experience I had in his hall. How does this related to teacher???

We decorated Valentine's Day Mailbags and exchanged cards like a week or two ago. It was nice seeing the creativity and the mailbags getting filled with love. When the program was over, I took my bag down and emptied to see all the goodies I received. The one that stuck out to me the most was a card that said, "Teacher, you deserve the Royal Treatment." TEACHER....really....ME? Half of me wanted to brush it off and assume that it's because she ran out of regular cards to give out and the other half of me felt that she chose to give me this card. I never really thought of myself as a teacher before. I know what I wanted to do in this job and I see what I have done with this job, but is it enough? Do they really see me as a teacher? Am I really teaching them things that they wouldn't naturally experience in life? Thank you Remy Matsumoto for the mindfuck! haha

unfinished

i've written quite a few unfinished blogs in the past couple weeks and i have come up with a ton of them in my head, but for some reason i havent written them down or been able to finish them. I guess I have been in kind of a funk lately; with school, RA, SigEp, songfest, friends, and family. Being busy and realizing how busy you really are is exhausting and un-motivating. It's kind of like a double edged sword because I wake up think of all the crap I have to do on a day and just think, FML I don't wanna do any of that today, so I don't and I screw myself over more because what I put off til tomorrow builds upon what I put off the day before and when you multiply that by 2 or 3 days it turns out to be a lot more than what I started with. Whoever invented reading as a way to study for class...YOU SUCK!...I miss the feeling of being free and undefined but for a while now I have been feeling like the things I do and my interests have been defining me...What I used to find relaxing, fun, and enjoyable has now become daunting, tiring, and stressful. I guess when you get older and take on more responsibility, that's what happens??? It's just really hard to think about because I never thought life would have gotten this INTENSE.

I used to pride myself on being that person who thrived under pressure and performed their best when things were riding on the line. Now I see myself as that person who just sneaks by under pressure and doing what I can to get the bare minimum. I don't like the person I am becoming, I want myself to be better but it's so hard when you are just so tired [physically, emotionally, and mentally].

I applied for RETURNER this month; SPOP and RA. I hope I get both, I want to get both, but I'm scared that if I get both I will be burnt out! I am afraid that my passion for the things that I love will die and I don't want them to die because I love them so much. I love being an RA; hanging out with my residents, joking with them, yelling at them [jokingly], talking with them, bugging them. I love SPOP. I wanna be a staffer again because of the people I met, the connections I made, and the impact it had on my life. But I'm so scared. I'm scared that I won't be the returner that everyone wants me to be. I'm afraid that I won't live up to the expectations that I have for myself. I don't want what I love to just be another part of my list. I want them to be meaningful and relevant. I'm scared I won't accomplish these tasks.

I miss home. I haven't been home in going on my 6th week. I've been so caught up in the craziness of being busy that I just don't have the time to spend with my parents, and I feel like my relationship with them suffers for it. My friend Erin asked me on friday, "Kar, when are you going to go home? I feel like you never leave Mesa and like when you do leave you don't really go anywhere outside of campus!" I sat there in silence for a little bit. She was right. I don't go home, I haven't gone home in a while. I forgot how much I missed it and how good it felt to be home. I feel bad for letting myself get swept up into all this ish. I take on too much because I want to be able to experience as much as I can before I leave UCI. I blame myself because I let it happen. I'm looking forward to going home and being refreshed.

I need these midterms to be over and as soon as 1 o'clock hits Friday afternoon, I'm on my way!

New Year

I'm going on 3 years of having this blog...thats kind of a record! i havent maintained anything like this in a while. I guess I didn't because as I got more and more involved and busy i had less and less time to write. I think as i get older and college comes to an end, I come back to this blog and find home/comfort. I come to this page and it allows me to free myself and express anything that is on my mind. I have 36 posts in the course of 2 years thats almost one blog a month!

My goal for 2010 is 24 posts in 12 months. I wanna double the amount of posts I make so hopefully I can capture more memories and still frames of my life!

We will see!