More Change=Really Amazing!

"Can I come with you tomorrow to pick up your letter, please???"-Curtis
"WHY??? I'm probably not going to get it."- Me
"Do you want me to come with you tomorrow to pick up your letter?"- Eman
"Sure. If you want to."- Me
"Come on please, let us come. I want to be there for you. I want to see your face."-Curtis
"Fine, Whatever. If you want to see me cry."-Me
"Can I come too? I have to pick up my letter also." - Tim Khuu
"Yeah. Sure. Why Not."- Me

That was the conversation a few nights ago.
I was asked lots of other questions like..."Are you going to be okay, if you don't get it?"..."What are you going to do if it doesn't work out?"..."What are your chances?"..."What are your back ups?"...etc etc.

I had convinced myself that I would be fine, especially after the SPOP decisions had come out. I mean, there was other things I had to focus on. Whoever thought of sending out acceptance letters during finals week FAILS at LIFE. I had URBAN PLANNING at 10:30am, I can't think about RA!!! Too late....I was hooked. Would I really be okay? How would I handle it? Hopefully I handle it better than SPOP decisions. So many questions preoccupying my mind and interfereing with my studies! Oh well...the sudying got finished and all there was to do was wait. I was online at 9:00am, I saw my friend's status "aaaahhhh sooo excited" immediately I knew good news...I im'ed her the congratulations. She thanked me and told me our other friend got it too. DAMNIT I didn't get it....the trend seemed like that they only took 2 CPs and BAM there was two...So Early in the morning...I was sick...literally sick.....I knew I just had to pick up the letter just to hammer the nail into the coffin, but I couldn't. I had a final to take. I couldn;t stop thinking about the decision...walking to my final I was gagging. During the final I was gagging, it was hard to focus. I finished early and got the HELL out of there.

I called up Tim, Curtis and Eman told them to meet me in front of Social Sciences. The whole time I was sitting there...gagging. Ran into Shane while waiting. I tried to control the reflex. Tim showed but couldn't wait. He went ahead and told us to meet him there. Curtis and Eman showed up. I informed them that I was going to be sick. They didn't believe me. I gagged. They believed! The walk from Brandywine to the Housing Office, usually short and sweet, seemed like the longest walk ever taken by man. I walked up, pulled out my id card, received my fate. I brought it back to my bros standing in a group waiting..."Well, Open it." The moment of truth. At first nothing. I couldn't find the letter. No congratulations or unfortunately, only a bunch of papers. Then I saw the CONTRACT! I SCREAMED [probably the loudest scream i have ever done] and LEAPED FOR JOY, into my bros. Kind of embarrassing. actually.

-"Where did you get?"
--"Wait, I don't know."
I didn't even see the letter to see if i actually got it or where i got. I saw the contract just assumed I got it, i didnt care where.
Calm and collected. I filed through the papers one more time. There it was, Resident Advisor in Mesa Court. Salvation, Relief, Excitement, Joy, OMFG, NO WAY! Curtis and Eman confirmed that I got Mesa and I was received with pats on the back and good jobs and congratulations. The people who had just given me my letter, watched the SHOW [it was literally a show]. I couldn't believe it. Complete and utter shock. I was ready to be tested by the Lord one more time. I was ready for one more failure to prove that I had really grown and truly become stronger. HE has given me a new test and a new opportunity. THIS IS MY DOOR.

We walked a few steps towards PIPPIN, my smile EAR-2-EAR. Curtis said, "I'm so happy you got it. Honestly, if you didn't I wouldn't know what to say." "SAME HERE!" I responded. I had to put my letter away, as much as I wanted to keep it and hold on to it and read it over and over, as we walked in. Then the best part. The teasing. OMG, we are with an RA. Oh here comes RA Kar. Wow, you are an RA now! Step aside here comes the RA. You're getting NUBES, I guarantee it. Get ready for your medium sweatshirt. As much as I hated it, I felt so much love and so much support from my BROTHERS, it just added to the overall feeling and attitude of the day. I could not eat! My emotions and mind preparation had already fed me!

I texted my DAD, I knew he had been waiting for decision day since I applied. He texted me his congrats and good job and how poud of me he was. He called to really confirm. I could hear the sense of relief and excitement in his voice. This meant as much to him as it does to me. We went over a few more details, said our goodbyes and hung up.

We finished up and decided to head back to Mesa. I had to suppress my emotions because I knew not everyone would be getting the news I had recieved. I busted out AMBER, the hookah I bought last week, packed a bowl and plopped down in front of the CC at the same spot we always sit. I took out my letter, reading and rereading every detail, making sure that I had read everything right and that I wasn't mistaken. Everything was in order. As they smoked, I read through m papers, Training dates, Contract form, the letter, but best of all, the Hall Theme Preference Sheet. I read through the descriptions and was instructed to pick my TOP 5 themes and write my reason for picking each theme, ready to meet with my supervisor next quarter.

I knew I wanted general interest, specifically SELVA, because of my freshman year. It was my home, my first big challenge, and the place where I built the foundation for my next years at UCI. To me it only seemed right to want to be there again. To come full circle and rememberwho I was back then to who I am now. #1 General Interest, what next? I read through the descriptions again, Diversity [global issues] popped out, instantly #2. With all my experience in SPOP how could I not choose Diversity. I have grown so much and learned so much because of he diverse group of people I met last summer. I figured that in a Diversity hall I could take what I learned from SPOP and what my residents will learn this summer and create some sort of cohesive learning and living environment. I could put into perspective the reality that we are all tiny parts of a machine that amd that we are all needed to make it work. #3 Academic Excellence. I had to do it, for Eman and for Curtis [Barrance and Nubes], as much as I wouldn't want these halls, there is a part of me that wants to start a trend of SigEp Academic Excellence RAs. #4 and #5 I really didn't care. I had written so strongly about the first 3 that I was sure that #4 and #5 wouldn't matter, but I chose Diversity: Advocacy and Visual Arts. I turned in the contract and my preferences, second person to accept.

I hung around the HO [housing office] while Eman picked up duty. The rest of the team was filing in. Watching them all gear up and prepare for another night of rounds and needless calls got me more excited. I was going to be them in months! They gave me words of encouragement and advice, even offered me a crash course. Told me that I would be fine. Talked to me about passdown. So much stuff. Before I did not feel very connected to the RA staff because of the differences in our positions, in fact it's one of the things I am hoping to change next year. During all the talk and advice giving, I instantly felt connected to them. I am going to know how they are all feeling in a matter of months. I will be them in the blink of an eye. Duty was assembled and we headed out, Eman and I back to Barranca, Patrick to Aldea, Meil to Laguna, Jess to Viento and Sean O to Arroyo. Man, next year I will have my own hall. So surreal. I had to take a shower. In the midst of all the excitement, I remembered that I looked like complete SHIT from the night before. I slept in the REC center and went to my final in sweatpants, my night shirt and flip flops that I almost wore a hole through.

The shower felt really nice. I took a cooler one because of how hot it was outside. In the shower is where I really started to reflect and humble myself. WOW!!! How blessed am I to be getting the chance to come back to mesa next year? The MESA COURT pro staff took a chance on me. They believe in me. They wanted me to stay in HOUSING with them. They are allowing me to influence and guide the lives of 60+ strangers. They are entrusting ME, Karmichael Castillo with the opportunity to foster 60+ impressionable young adults for a year, well at least be there from the start and hoping to be there in the end. After my reflection period, I felt cleansed and anew. I have so much to look forward to for the next year.

I ventured back into the heart of mesa aka COMMONS [haha] for dinner. I really didn't know how to act, because I didn't want sad people to feel worse, I definitely knew how they were feeling. I tried to act normal. I think I downplayed it too much. People were asking me what the matter with me was, why I didn't seem as excited as everyone else who had found out that I got it. I explained and they understood. Outside I downplayed the whole ordeal but INSIDE was pure excitment and rapture. It was a HUGE PARTY inside my head. Except for what I have written in this blog, my thoughts and emotions will remain locked within me for the time being, at least until the hype dies down. I tried to study for the rest of the night, but the whole day I was going, I forgot that I was exhausted. My sleep deprivation had caught up to me in the MPR while I was "studying" I passed out, only to be woken up by Jenn Chen, I guess I started snoring, so embarrassing. I gave up the dream haha and headed to the house only to be greeted with more love and more congrats. After a couple games of pong I headed back to my humble abode. I don't really remember what happened after that to be honest. I was just so tired, that I changed, put on my usual sleep tunes, snuggled up under my blanket and into my pillows and...

This blog really has no philosophical insight or tangible substance. It's just an account of my day. My extraordinary, dreams come true, achievement fulfilling unbelieveable day.

My life is about to have More Change and the thought is Really Amazing.
I have 4 more quarters of Mesa Court left and I will be a Resident Advisor for 3 of them!!!

Thank you again to everyone for the support and love. This has been a trying week and I am truly deeply appreciative to have gone through it with you. Many of you have seen me at my worst and now I hope that in these next few months and over the next year you will see the BEST I have ever been!

When one door closes another one opens...I found my door. It was the same one I used before. It was closed, but not locked.

Everything happens for a reason...I found my reason. It's 60+ kids that I have yet to meet.

Numbing needs to hurry so I can move on...I'm not numb and I have not moved on. BUT I am moving forward, full of feeling and life.

Take this summer refocus, God has other plans...I know what I need to refocus on, I know God's plan and I like it.

I am ready for the challenges up ahead. I am ready for the future. I am so appreciative for the opportunity. I feel like a first year staffer again, thanking the coords for picking me and giving me a chance.

I didn't even expect to blog again so soon, but it's so funny how these last couple of days have tied together, especially through my blogs...the waiting period, the disappointment phase, the clarity/acceptance part and now the new CHAPTER excitement. My hunger, passion, and drive have been revived.

Sorry, I am done now. I really need to study. 8AM FINAL gahhh. Thank you for reading [if anyone is reading]

BTWs I started this blog at 2:08pm while working...I'm still at work and it's 4:38pm. 2 and a half hours of blogging. Am I bored? or Did I bursting with excitement? You decide. For me, I choose the latter of the 2 :D!

Happy finals week everyone!

CLOSURE in less than 12 hours....that's a record!

I cried today. I wrote my blog earlier. I went to work feeling lousy. I came back to my room started a movie and read a comment from my D-Sis [I FREAKING LOVE YOU REGINA!]. I was talking to Mo online as well telling her of my past 24 hours and as I was typing to her and reading the comment. I exploded! Tears upon tears. God I cant believe I let it happen but it happened, and you know what it felt GOOD! It was well deserved and well needed. After the building emotions for the past 3 months. The stresses and excitements of SigEp, the uber fail with Japanese, the exhaustion of Songfest, and then this emotion of SPOP, the cry was well over due and very very much deserved. I've gained composure now and I have a better understanding of things. It's funny how in a few hours things can change. Like my blog on wednesday I was unknowning and waiting and then this morning so angry/hurt/confused/lost and now clarity and peace.

I had dinner with TK tonight. She really helped me. Everytime I'm doubting or in a bind she is there. She reaffirms everytime why she is why number one! I came back after dinner to more comments [doris, jamie janet lee, HANNAH Johnson] I read them and BAM more clarity! Reading Jason Su's blog.....killed me! How could i be so cruel? So selfish? HERO I'm SORRY....I hope you can forgive my immaturity....SPOP is a priviledge not a right. Its not something I deserve to get, it's something I should be humbled and honored to get again! I understand that now and I do truly apologize! Though I sought answers and understanding I realize getting those answers doesnt change the decision. Don't get me wrong i never once believed that I was entitled to do SPOP again, i just wanted to do good and do right by the first year staffers so bad and so much that I convinced myself that I would be able to do it again. and you know what? I still can, just not this year, but hey who says I cant try again next year.

It's 1 year away but thats 365 days more for me to grow just like everyone says. It's going to be a tough couple of weeks, HELL a tough year pulling myself back onto my feet, but i gotta do it. There's no other way but up from here! There's something in store for me! There has to be, I wont allow it!


Thank you everyone for everything. These 2 days have been WEIRD!!!! Again, I'm sorry for being a downer, it was unexpected, but i truly am proud to say that I was a...
SPOP STAFFER!

i will forever be one and no one can take that experience away from me :)


2009 spop staff...WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!!!

trying to UNDERSTAND

I feel so empty inside. it has been decided. the wait is over, the damage is done, the emails have been read.

I read mine over and over, trying to find some sort of error. maybe this was a joke, maybe they sent it to me by mistake, maybe im sleeping right now and ill wake up just like i did so many times before....NO...no mistake, no joke, no dream...."We regret to inform you that you have not been selected to be on staff this year..." OH MY GOD! i couldnt help but laugh! shock, amazement, disappointment, anger, rage, sadness, fear....for the first time in my life i felt my heartbreak. I was embarrassed. My bro curtis was with me when i found out, he also applied, i couldnt help but laugh because i didnt want to cry, as much as i wanted to cry i just couldnt.

With news like this you cant help but question...how could this happen to me? everyone said i could do it, that they knew i would get it...what went wrong? did i not want it enough? did they not like me? how did i not fit the dynamic? how could i not pair with anyone? I thought i got along well with everyone? was my interview that bad? it couldnt have been that bad, could it? what were they looking for? how did 4 of my closests friends from last year get it and not me? why am i being so selfish right now? 10 hours of constant question....yeah my day was ruined...to be honest, so was my week, my spring quarter, and pretty much my plans for summer....i have no hope left...it was taken away from me.

It sounds really really awful i know, i cant rely on a program to make me happy or to base the rest of my year on, thats ludacris, but yesterday for those 10 hours, thats all i could think about. and today i woke up and for the first time in a while, i didnt smile.....its weird cuz thats the title of my blog. Rejection is hard....i forgot what it feels like to be rejected....i mean it really wasnt that long ago when i was in my "ghostly stage".....but it was that program man, that dern program that made me forget about who i used to be and helped me focus on who i want to be and who i am. I have no idea where i'm going with this but i just need to write, there is no other way for me to express myself. i cant talk to anyone because those around me either got it or are feeling the same way and i cant get closure. no coord would wanna talk to me because im sure they are dealing with people trying to talk to them. my parents have no idea what the program is all about. i definitely feel alone, right now.

I feel like i let my guard down. people told me things that really made me feel good about myself and confident in my qualities as a person and skills for this up-coming year. I took those comments and rested on them. i should have stayed hungrier, i could have been better, i should have wanted it more. thats why i hate competition. i feel like the whole essence of the program is for untiy and inclusiveness and bonding and connection to uci and to each other. whats funny is, you have to compete with other people to be apart of that inclusiveness and "magic", if not youre just excluded and youre stuck wondering what could have been. I didnt want to compete, thats not who i am. i rested on the fact that 3 of them knew me and knew the kind of person i was...maybe it wasnt enough...maybe they saw that as not trying hard enough...i just wanted it to be fair...but then again life isnt fair and its proven because 3 of the 4 goldies in my interview got it....it sucks to know that.

I dont want to be mad at the world, or my friends, or the coords...i want to be happy for everyone! i want the 2009 staff to know the beauty of the program and know how lucky they are that they got it, i just want to be there with them!

yesterday, it felt good to just surround myself with people i loved.
STACY you are amazing an amazing friend and confidaunt[?]. thank you for being with me every step of the way yesterday. i seriously dont know what i would have done if you didnt share your wisdom and company with me yesteday.
KRISTLE i love you! seeing you yesterday just made my day more meaningful. i know it was tough being happy for your kids but also being there for me but you handled it and i appreciate it so much.
D-Mama thank you for you kind words and support. and just helping me realize that it's okay.
Pops i really wanted to make you proud and have grandkids for you this year. i'm sorry i couldnt make it happen. thank you for loving me and being an amazing parent!
Momma even though you are so far away thank you for being there!
EMAN!!! i am so lucky to have you as a friend, as a bro, as an outlet, as a mentor, and as a role model. thank you so much for listening to me last night and just putting up with everyone and everything that came your way. your support and genuine understanding made me feel better. WE are still going to have an amazing summer together!



everything happens for a reason....just waiting to find out what the reason is
when one door closes another opens...wondering which door its going to be
I feel so vulnerable right now....its weird....numbing needs to hurry and get here so i can move on!

paitiently waiting

so0o0o0o anxious!

i need to move on with me life. i find myself spacing out at times daydreaming of what my life would be like without the greatness of the program for the rest of this year. I wonder...I really do. only time will tell.....only 1 more day


waiting waiting waiting

I cant wait!