Clusterfuck of Emotions

This weekend was very bittersweet for me! It marked the end of my run as Sigma Coord. Although I am glad that I don't have weekly meetings to run anymore or to make like a babysitter and ensure that the newbies are on track, I am going to miss being able to work closely with the future of SigEp. Being a Sigma Coord was a huge goal for me from the moment I started in the chapter. I really enjoyed working with these "impressionable" young SigEps and I am honored to have been a part of their growth in the chapter. I have had two quarters as a Sigma Coord and it is really crazy to see how different two quarters and two classes can be. Over my two quarters and two classes I can say that the experience has been a trying one and a learning experience. There have been points of success and points of improvement but overall I am grateful for the experience.

Over this past weekend I got to experience somewhat of what an employer or SPOP coord would experience in "rejecting" an applicant. I got a greater understanding of what it is like to tell someone that they aren't able to do something, regardless of how hard they worked, how hard they tried, how much they've grown. I got to experience what it was like to ruin a person's plans, and let me tell you, it sucks! I got to be the "Bad Guy" for once and it was hard. It is so hard to tell someone that they can't do something because of limitations of guidelines you have to follow. I can't imagine what it is like to reject hundreds of people, let a lone a good handful. My heart goes out to those interviewing or rejecting at this moment because it harder to let someone down rather than pick them up.

I couldn't bring myself to go to Cultural Psychology today because of the news I received today. I applied for student coordinator of Wellness in Mesa Court and today I received my rejection letter for the position. Another let down from the place that I dedicated 2 whole years of my life too. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to raise hell, but all I could do was cry. I had to gain composure for myself so I couldn't go to class because I knew I would lose it. Instead I tried to surround myself with the company of some friends. I have been fighting back to the tears ALL DAY long because I figure, what's the use in crying? It won't get me the job, it will make people feel uncomfortable around me, so instead I just had to do what I always do, suck it up, put on a happy face and look for the positive.

I have been doing this thing lately, especially after being rejected multiple times, I look at the experiences I have had in my college career and I be grateful for them. I have missed SPOP every single day of my life for the past 2 years and when I look back on it, I smile and remember all the amazing times I had. I reflect on my past two years in Mesa Court and smile at all the things I learned from Pro-Staff, student staff, and residents. I look back on these past two years and I am terrified. I a terrified to move on but I am grateful for the experience. This last letter I received from Mesa solidified the fact that I am truly DONE with Freshman Housing. It has been an amazing run and I learned a lot about myself, but the thing I have been holding onto for the past 3 months is finally going away and I need to be ready to let go.

I look at these rejections as a SIGN from GOD telling me that maybe I need to focus on my schooling for the next year. I made it a goal for myself to try and double major in Social Ecology and Criminology. Maybe this is the time for me to actually follow through. Next year I will have a lot of free time and so I will be able to focus on myself. All I have going for me are SigEp, VDC Norte, and school. I think I will be okay, of course, as always, I will need the time to heal and I will probably not want to be anywhere near Mesa any time soon but I feel like it comes with the territory.

thank you Mesa Court for 2 of the best years of my life. This chapter is closed. the road is long and may seem wary, but the path is clear.

artistic piece of mind

Today my spanish 1c talked about Picasso's 1937 Masterpiece "Guernica". We talked about the time period in which Picasso painted this artwork, we examined the things that popped out at us first, we reflected on how the painting made us feel, we pondered why it was created in black, white, and gray. While we talked about these different topics, I found myself thinking about how much I love and appreciate art.

I find it so powerful and moving to look at a piece of art or listening to a composition of music and just become so overwhelmed with emotion that you have to look away or stop listening in order to gain composure. Maybe I'm being a little too over dramatic but that is the feeling I got when I looked at Picasso's "Guernica". I looked at it and initially felt the chaos and commotion. I read about the painting's history and artist and examined it more. I could see every emotion and sense every feeling that Picasso aimed to illustrate. My teacher pointed out symbols and interpretations of the painting and I saw more, I felt more, I wanted to know more.

Class ended too abruptly for me today, I think because I was so intrigued by this piece of art and so focused on examining more of that, that my BIG and I discussed how much we both appreciated the wonders of art.

Guernica has had a really big impact on political activism over the years, especially with Afghanistan and other Middle Eastern countries. The image used most from the painting is of the mother [clearly in distress and suffering] holding her child [I'm not sure if the child is dead or alive]. Glancing at the picture one sees a wailing woman holding a baby. Looking closer, one can infer that the length of the mother's body and the someone distorted length of her arms holding her baby makes the shape of a CROSS. Another inference could be made that it may be the Virgin Mary holding the childlike "dead body" of Jesus Christ [aka the PIETA]. To me, regardless of religious inferences, the image represents the death or innocence. The mother grieves over her child who was too young and too innocent to start a life. Instead he lies in her arms. This part of the painting is powerful because women and children are always seen as the most innocent people within a war or conflict. The loss of these lives always ends in tragedy and I feel like Picasso illustrates that well.

I know I talked a lot about Guernica in this post, but I felt really strongly about it today, probably because it reminded me of how much I love art.

I think I'm going to take another trip up to the GETTY or visit the OCMA/LACMA and spend the day embracing the art.