Teacher..really? ME?

I never would have thought of this RA job as what it has turned out to be. That sentence sounds wrong but I will try to explain it out. My RA was the best; he let us party, he looked out for us when we partied, he even partied with us at the end of year. When I think about the things my RA did for us my freshman year, he wasn't really a good RA. Granted because he let us party, he was the best RA and we chilled with him a lot, but other than that there wasn't much to the relationship. I have actually kept in touch with my RA over the past 4 years. Calls here and there, random sitings on campus nothing to major, and I am still grateful of the amazing first year experience I had in his hall. How does this related to teacher???

We decorated Valentine's Day Mailbags and exchanged cards like a week or two ago. It was nice seeing the creativity and the mailbags getting filled with love. When the program was over, I took my bag down and emptied to see all the goodies I received. The one that stuck out to me the most was a card that said, "Teacher, you deserve the Royal Treatment." TEACHER....really....ME? Half of me wanted to brush it off and assume that it's because she ran out of regular cards to give out and the other half of me felt that she chose to give me this card. I never really thought of myself as a teacher before. I know what I wanted to do in this job and I see what I have done with this job, but is it enough? Do they really see me as a teacher? Am I really teaching them things that they wouldn't naturally experience in life? Thank you Remy Matsumoto for the mindfuck! haha

unfinished

i've written quite a few unfinished blogs in the past couple weeks and i have come up with a ton of them in my head, but for some reason i havent written them down or been able to finish them. I guess I have been in kind of a funk lately; with school, RA, SigEp, songfest, friends, and family. Being busy and realizing how busy you really are is exhausting and un-motivating. It's kind of like a double edged sword because I wake up think of all the crap I have to do on a day and just think, FML I don't wanna do any of that today, so I don't and I screw myself over more because what I put off til tomorrow builds upon what I put off the day before and when you multiply that by 2 or 3 days it turns out to be a lot more than what I started with. Whoever invented reading as a way to study for class...YOU SUCK!...I miss the feeling of being free and undefined but for a while now I have been feeling like the things I do and my interests have been defining me...What I used to find relaxing, fun, and enjoyable has now become daunting, tiring, and stressful. I guess when you get older and take on more responsibility, that's what happens??? It's just really hard to think about because I never thought life would have gotten this INTENSE.

I used to pride myself on being that person who thrived under pressure and performed their best when things were riding on the line. Now I see myself as that person who just sneaks by under pressure and doing what I can to get the bare minimum. I don't like the person I am becoming, I want myself to be better but it's so hard when you are just so tired [physically, emotionally, and mentally].

I applied for RETURNER this month; SPOP and RA. I hope I get both, I want to get both, but I'm scared that if I get both I will be burnt out! I am afraid that my passion for the things that I love will die and I don't want them to die because I love them so much. I love being an RA; hanging out with my residents, joking with them, yelling at them [jokingly], talking with them, bugging them. I love SPOP. I wanna be a staffer again because of the people I met, the connections I made, and the impact it had on my life. But I'm so scared. I'm scared that I won't be the returner that everyone wants me to be. I'm afraid that I won't live up to the expectations that I have for myself. I don't want what I love to just be another part of my list. I want them to be meaningful and relevant. I'm scared I won't accomplish these tasks.

I miss home. I haven't been home in going on my 6th week. I've been so caught up in the craziness of being busy that I just don't have the time to spend with my parents, and I feel like my relationship with them suffers for it. My friend Erin asked me on friday, "Kar, when are you going to go home? I feel like you never leave Mesa and like when you do leave you don't really go anywhere outside of campus!" I sat there in silence for a little bit. She was right. I don't go home, I haven't gone home in a while. I forgot how much I missed it and how good it felt to be home. I feel bad for letting myself get swept up into all this ish. I take on too much because I want to be able to experience as much as I can before I leave UCI. I blame myself because I let it happen. I'm looking forward to going home and being refreshed.

I need these midterms to be over and as soon as 1 o'clock hits Friday afternoon, I'm on my way!