Brain Purge 01

this post is going to be ridiculous just to let you all know!
First I wanna say that Jay Sean is my new favorite artist! His CD is amazing! He's kinda like my new Ne-Yo, not like replacing him or anything just like adding to that sort of category. I've only just got his album a day ago n I've listened to it 10 times haha! but anyways onto other matters...

it's sooooo weird what difference a few months can make! The outside is still completely amazing...from those of you looking from outside in you prolly couldnt tell the inner turmoils i have...my kids, my commitments, my outer friendships are all under control, the way I keep it. what you dont see, is a me slowly cracking and breaking...what you dont see is this image of myself that i worked soo hard to improve and perfect, slowly breaking down...It's been a long time since i have felt this inadequate, this self-conscious, this broken. I mean I have always questioned my worth, my ability as a leader, as a friend, as a brother, i guess to keep myself grounded and to not keep myself stagnant...I never thought my sarcasm was an issue, yes I was concerned that people would take me the wrong way through my sarcasm but I was always reassured that my actions and how i treated people in the long run would speak louder than my words...it didnt work this time...I overstepped my boundaries at work...I got on the wrong side of the wrong supervisor on the wrong day...I did not know what I was doing or saying but I overstepped and immediately I regretted my actions, too late. I was called in the next day...

I was told that I went too far...I was analyzed and told that I used my sarcasm to make people laugh and in order fit in...I was told that other people noticed and that my impact was affecting their views of me more negatively than positively...I was told in sooo many words that this me wasnt working and I had to change...Never have I felt so small, so inadequate, so imperfect.

Naturally, I run to my support system, my RAs for advice. the contents of that meeting continue to haunt me even as I write...like the wonderful people they are they tell me pro-staff is wrong, they reassure me that I shouldnt change, they are positive that I dont offend people, even as they spoke to me, I couldnt help but beat myself up inside more...that was just the start...

As I tried to run away from my issues by talking with my "inner" circle...we came to the realization that a certain person we considered a "friend" was not a friend at all...As much as I tried to fight it, because losing a friend or being let down wasnt something I needed, I couldnt help but admit that they were right...i was even more crushed...I guess it was like the feeling of discovering that there was no santa, that the person you put sooo much faith and hope into was all just a facade...how could i let myself get that way again?!? how do i fall into the same traps??? admiring people who are less than worthy of admiration, putting faith in people who are guaranteed to let you down...slowly i was chipping away...my dilemma was trying to come out stronger from this situation and instead of trying to stay strong, I grew mentally weak.

I started to retreat within myself, with this retreat I began to speak softer and quieter, i spoke less at meals and group situations in hope that by being quieter and only speaking when necessary would aid in changing peoples negative perception of me...it was hard...i felt like i was punishing myself for doing what came natural to me, for doing what I enjoyed and what I thought made people smile...I was punishing myself for for being me and that hurts! i was losing myself...i constantly questioned, if sarcasm is Karmichael but Karmichael cant use sarcasm, who is Karmichael, who else is Karmichael, how else is he viewed? Is sarcasm all I am? if it is....thats pathetic! then coming to the realization that I am not important or valuable as a member of this RA team broke me down even more...even while writing this I am doubting myself....if you read this and are thinking that all Im doing is feeling sorry for myself you can stop reading...its hard to be so trusting all the time and then be constantly hurt year after year! I guess this is my annual breakdown but i have a feeling this year will contain multiple ones...but anyways i finally broke down a few Thursdays ago...I was feeling super heavy on a day that started out pretty normal and light...I didnt know what triggered it but I was feeling overwhelmed with sadness//disappointment//hate I couldnt fight it...I broke down and I let it consume me...kind of a scary moment that break down...it was as if i lost the most precious thing in the world to me, and in retrospect i kinda was, i was losing myself, my security, my identity. I've been withdrawn for a while now, people have been noticing...I deno if that's good or if thats bad...I honestly dont know how to feel about anything anymore....everything is sooo hot and cold, I love my team and I hate my team, I love myself and I hate myself ,the only constant is that I love my hall and though they do bad stuff all the time, they love me and respect me and accept me [at least i feel good enough to be their RA].

I've been better lately, I've had better days and I've had not so better days...I do what I can to get by...I keep the things I need controlled controlled and the rest I just push back...I'm holding out til winter break in hopes of starting fresh and rejuvenated.

thanks for reading....I needed this purge!

Exhausted...the good kind!

They never told me how hard this was going to be, how time consuming, how much of myself i would be investing, how much of myself i would be losing...I'm tired all the time. If I'm in the hall I'm focused on them, If I'm out of the hall I'm feeling guilty for not being there for them or being their with them.

I told myself that it's not going to be SPOP mode 24/7/365, that i wouldnt let it consume me! boy was i wrong! i find that i'm less of myself alone and more whole knowing that i have 80 of the greatest residents anyone could ask for to come back to. they dont know it because i havent told them but these 80 people give me purpose, drive, and life! i love my job because i love my residents!

My days have so far consisted of waking up at 9 to get ready for school, class all day, squeeze some study time in there, do work, hang out, SigEp stuff, RA stuff, back to hall stuff and homework.

I was feeling guilty for not being able to hang out with my residents as much do to transitions, RA duties, and SigEp commitments. In the beginning I was overwhelmed and I really struggled to balance everything.

My resies are always on my mind. I havent gone to bed before 3am in a long time and i'm not sure if thats healthy but honestly if i'm not physically with my residents i'm thinking about them. and its hard to not be physically with them because they are awake ALL the TIME!

I told myself that this year wouldnt be like SPOP but in all honesty it has been and 10 times more! the energy, time, effort, atmosphere, and all around love brings me back to the good ol spop days, its the duty, the talks about life and advice giving, programming, the constant worry for health n safety is what makes this job real; what makes it challenging; and what makes it WORTH IT!
Selva 2009-2010
THE BEST HALL IN MESA COURT
let the good times roll

strangers, acquaintances, familiars, friends!

It's amazing to me to think that most of us all met 4-5 months ago....we each had an entire summer between us, that's 3 months of freedom, and then September 8, 2009 it all came together. we took our own stories and ended up on the same epic journey. Its semi-reminiscent of SPOP in that what usually takes months, we accomplished in weeks. Its crazy to see 29 strangers come together to form a team! not only was it 29 RAs but the rest of Mesa Court Staff!

Looking back on these past 2 weeks of training I miss the down times in the poster room just hanging out and laughing together. I realized i stressed too much and worked too hard to get my posters made! I wish there was more time to bond more and solidify this "rushed" type of friendship!

I truly treasured those moments of peace and the jokes we have grown to love! coming off of last year and seeing the RA team previous to me be so close and amazing and then going into this year and being thrust into these relationships i truly believe that our team has the potential to be AMAZING and close and I hope that we will all be close in future years! There is no one I would rather go through this experience with that the team i have now! I love my team!

Mesa Court Resident Advisers 2009-2010
Some people are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them
Whatever it is with this group, I know I am in GREAT hands!

free write @ 2:45am

I found this blog tonight as i was trying to find the right words for a new post.....It has not been that long since I've written it but re-reading it tonight after the fact of summer hit me! I am so happy, excited, and exhausted to be where I am right now that I am willing to make myself vulnerable and post the truest feelings i have had all summer on display!

2:45am I cant sleep...my mind races with thoughts upon thoughts

i lie awake most nights lately contemplating the future and reliving my past. theres something about the fear of my unknown future that brings me back to the comfort of my past [both good and bad]...i find myself appeased by recreating the feelings and experiences of my past in my mind...i think and rethink about the mistakes i've made and the stupid things i have done and said that have gotten me to this very point right here and right now...often times i find myself shaking my head to a memory of saying something completely stupid, ignorant, and childish [how could i have been so dumb and naive?!?] and then i laugh. the good thing about the past is that you already know what happens when you go back to reliving it.

I have diverted from blogging this summer because i was feeling sorry for myself! everytime i went to write i erased what i wrote because it didnt seem worthy enough for online publishing. i also felt that the events of my summer did not have much merit since i was not doing spop or changing lives or doing anything AMAZING, i was just sitting on my ass counting down the days.

this summer has been kind of a cleansing time for me as a leader. for the first time in 6 six years i did nothing and although i enjoyed it for the most part i truly did waste loads of time and money. it has been a huge transition period for me going from student to teacher. Starting september i will no longer have the comfort/handicap of "older" friends. they have moved on and are starting to embark on bigger things for the most part. i never thought the day would come where i again would be alone to fend for myself, to take what i have learned these past 3 years in College and apply them to my 4th year, although it is not my last year at UCI, it is the beginning of the closing chapter in my life.

i've been contemplating friendships again this summer [somehow it is a recurring theme each year]...things went down, situations were handled, and feelings were hurt...i put myself through it again...another year another heartache...my sister [my biggest critic but biggest reality check] questions why i stay? why i put up with the bull when i can do better...when i am better? she doesnt understand me and says i have no one else to blame but myself because i put myself in those situations...maybe shes right, maybe i get what i deserve...she says i trust to much and thats why i get screwed in the end...she says i care to easily and that makes it easy for people to walk all over me...she says my heart is too open and thats why i have so much heartache...she says that she closes herself off because she sees how much i get hurt by my so-called "friends"...she says those things to me and i cant help but feel weakened...is it really my fault for her being so mistrusting of others? how am i as her older brother, her protector, her example supposed to respond to that? as much as i would like to close myself off i get in the habit of looking for the good in people and hoping that they will turn out for the best even though everyone else warns against it...this is babble but its an inner turmoil i have been having all summer and i feel that i cant fully give myself to my residents next year unless i address it and figure out a solution to ease my mind. how do u tell someone they are not a good friend, how do you tell someone that you have lost faith in them, hwo do you tell someone you regret putting some much effort into them, how do you tell them how disappointed you are in them only to know that you probably won't phase them because they are too focused on themselves and their final days to even see how much they messed up! is it me? is it really me? i blame myself, i always blame myself....is that being accountable because i put so much faith in a friendship thinking that the golden rule would prevail [do unto other as you would have them do unto you], or is it selfish to assume someone would do the same for me if i did it for them, or is it self pity that i blame myself for caring so much? it helps to be self-reflective and aware but am i pushing into a different definition?

anyways enough about that...this upcoming year looks to be promising...my new home for the year will be at 4077 mesa rd...this hall is special to me as it was the one i resided in during my first year at uci...it was in that hall where i met my first "real" friends at uci and where i experienced my first "real" breakdown and where i felt my first "real" accomplishment in college...so many good times and memories lie within the walls of SELVA and i hope that this new group of residents is ready to build upon that legacy!

another year is beginning...where will the cards fall

the trials and tribulations of RA prep are starting to take their toll....i'm sick with a cold and yet i stayed up til 3am to make posters only to wake up at 10am to begin working and finish by 5pm! training is so fun thus far! I love my team, I cant wait to have experiences with them, I know this year is destined for greatness, I can't wait to meet my residents! Training is the 1st test, Move-in weekend [9/19 n 9/20] starts the beginning of test #2!

We shall see! I hope I can get it right!

investment

do u ever feel like sometimes you have invested all that you can invest?

sometimes i feel like i care too much and as a result i invest more than i should. i classify this as a strong weakness of mine because due to this emotional investment i end up dwelling and i end up hurt, which isn't all too healthy in the long run. sometimes i have expectations of a person that dont measure up, like they do something once, really amazing and heartfelt and kind but most of the time they mess up. i dont write people off right away [although sometimes i feel like i should] but i guess its that weakness of mine that keeps me holding on for hope that i will be surprised again, but then i dont, and it hurts more.

i live by the golden rule: "do unto others as you would have done unto you" its a very important statement to me and i really take it to heart, but somehow i feel like im missing the true meaning. im not by any means perfect, im sure we ALL know and can see that, but i do try my best to make someone feel special, welcomed, comfortable, acknowledged, loved...etc [even if they have to cut through a couple layers of sarcasm to feel it :)]. i live by this rule, well its more like a LAW, and i find that by having this little guideline i am able to invest more into relationships with the people i surround myself with, but its not reciprocated. no where in this little guideline of mine does it say that "doing unto others as you would have done unto you", guarantees that they will reciprocate the behavior. Somehow that message gets lost in translation to me. in my own twisted little reality of hopes and dreams i think that being nice to someone or doing nice things for someone means they will also do nice things for me. somehow that message does not click for me and i end up getting hurt. is that selfish of me to think or feel that way? i try to walk a mile in another person's shoes [another cliche saying that i use to help me understand people and where they come from] but i feel like no one would take a moment to walk in my shoes and understand my trains of thought/feelings. again is that selfish of me?

anyways back to the matter at hand, i imagined this summer to be unforgettable, amazing, incredible, a summer for the record books because i was turning 21 and i was going to be with my best friends...in reality im ready for summer to be over, as of now sure this summer will go in the books but its not one for the books, too be honest i could probably forget everything. this summer has been filled with a lot of inner turmoil and deep reflection. ive been trying to improve upon myself and strengthen mentally for the coming year but also because i was hurt by people i trusted and when i thought things would patch up, they didnt. instead they would mend a little but be torn open completely by something else, so its kind of like getting a scab but then picking it only to scab again only to pick it again, a never healing cycle.

of course i have thought of ways to let the healing begin, like stay away, dont invest, dont expect, but then i try and do it and i just cant. i dont know if i have invested so much time and energy into things that i just cant let go or if i just care too much to let go, or if i am pulling a Gretchen Weiners and just going through life enduring because its better being in it and hating life than not being in it at all, its kind of self-handcapping.

after the summer i dont foresee a lot of my "close" friendships going any further, i feel like i have invested TOO MUCH of myself to even try. i feel like i have lived by the golden rule and its just not worth it to keep hoping they will too. its just sad to reflect on these things because looking back, i put in a lot of effort and time and emotion into building my friendships and then realizing now that it has all gone to waste. they dont care about me at all! and now i feel like they never did! i once blogged about being scared of losing my two rocks but now i not afraid anymore. these rocks have proven to be unstable, unsupportive, and exhausting to maintain balance over. i think im ready to take the plunge. sure they will be there but for me they are nothing more than rocks, just there to be in the way, no help, no support, no hinderance, no challenge, just part of the scenery.

just call me chaiwallah

Summertime and the livin' is easy!
summer has been great. during my week off at home i fought with my parents a total of 1 time...SHOCKING! i got a whole bunch of free stuff from barona, i bid my sister farewell towards Cambridge, and i got to reconnect with my cousins in los angeles! I think my favorite part about being at home besides the free food and being taken care of by my parents, was that I opened up to them about the past year or so of my life and how different of a person I am now than who I used to be. We talked for almost 2 hours on saturday night and everything i said came from my heart, they needed to be said and they were heard. Sometimes we forget how lucky and how good it feels to be back home with good old mom and dad but when we do realize it, it feels so good. Everytime i have one of these moments i appreciate the fact that i have a home to go back to and a mom and dad who love and support me. I couldn't be happier.

I watched slumdog millionaire again while at home with my parents and Juno with my mom. These two movies somehow make me feel really humble inside. I feel so blessed to have the life God has given me and I thank him for it everyday. I am so glad that I have my family to run back to when i'm scared, afraid, alone, sad, angry, content, etc. I don't know my destiny just yet but I know I am destined for greatness...just call me chaiwallah...with my family behind me I can do anything.

UCI TEACH math and science RA training started this week and I am so happy about the team. we have 3 returners, a past participant who happens to be one of our favorite participants, Janet Lee an amazing spop staffer, and Lupe the quiet girl who will be doing amazing things for this program. Summer has been great so far. What's even better knowing that I will be 21 in a few short weeks!!!

until next time...Jai Ho!

wrapping up the year

I finished finals as of 3pm today and the feeling is bittersweet.
I am so glad to be rid of those stressors in my life that don't even test knowledge or understanding, just how much adderall one must pop in order to remember 10 weeks worth of information in only a few hours. Finals went well this time around....thats the first time I can say that in the 9 weeks i have done finals that I have ever said that. I'm glad they are over though and I am glad I did well...but the relief of finals being over also means the end of this Crazy, Unforgettable, Dramatic, Fun, Legit, Stressful, Emotional Year!

Although I am ready and excited to be an RA for my own hall and have 80 kids of my own but I am so sad to be leaving this year behind. I'm sad that the RAs whom I got to work with, laugh with, chill with, stay up til ridiculous hours of the night with are all leaving, most are graduating and moving onto bigger and better things. I'm losing 2 of my best friends next year. 2 of my rocks in housing and it really sucks having that thought that at the end of OUR summer OUR housing adventure will officially come to a close.

I can't even think of myself as a Senior next year, although I am staying a 5th year, next year marks the start of being OLD! This type of Seniority is nothing like Senior Year in High School. It's the sense of truly starting life, venturing off into the real world without a bubble, my bubble.

for a year, my 2 rocks have been my bubble, my protection, my brothers, best friends. They are both leaving me, I'm scared...actually TERRIFIED is more like it. I seriously don't know how I am going to make it through this RA experience without them; without their guidance, wisdom, love, support, and energy. It's so hard to think about. Going into this summer I want to be happy! I should be HAPPY! I'm turning 21, I'm living with my two best friends, I'm going to be an RA, I don't have any worries...I shouldn't have any worries and yet I still do! I dont want to go into this summer because I know it'll end and I know I'll be forced to be independent.

Losing fun moments and memories is always bittersweet. It'll be interesting to see where this road takes me. I'm for sure going to miss the hookah, the laughs, the talks, the bonding, and the brotherhood!

Happy Summer...Jai Ho!

On My Own

This year is coming to a close and as I sit here in the Student Staff Lounge in Mesa Court, I reminisce about the trials and tribulations I have had this past year. I think about the freindships I have made, the experiences I got to share, the rewards, the drama, but most of all the Love.

This year was tough, not as tough as my 2nd year, but tough in the sense of finding that balance between, leader, coworker, friend, employee, brother, newbie. I got to do what I love doing [planning, programming, working with people, laughing, making memories...the whole shebang] and I am so excited to come back and do it all over again!

Next year will be missing a crucial element in my staffing experience, two of my best friends on staff, my two "older brothers". They are graduating this year and although we have the summer together are ultimately moving on with their lives to pursue bigger and better things. Thinking about this year ending means that a new one will start with me alone to head my own hall, meet new people, make new friendships, and maintain only memories of the year I had.

I think I have been really good up until now keeping in my fears, sadness, and emotions. I know that they are going through a lot and knowing that I'm here scared shitless to move on without them would probably not help. It hit me hard this past weekend when I was setting things up for Senior Week. Picking up my BB's letters and making his paddle was tough because it really meant I was going to have to say goodbye. Spending those hours in Target walking around and around that store trying to creatively whip something meaningful out of nothing was relaxing yet agonizing. I didn't want to do it but I knew I had to. I had to think of something special for the both of them to show my appreciation. Writing their send off letters and setting up their dinner just added more to my bottling.

I'm going to miss my brothers so much. Although we are friends, I have always seen them as my brothers; taking care of me, looking out for me, teasing me, loving me, advising me, mentoring me, just being there for ME. I have no idea what I'm going to do without them next year. I know it's my turn to have my own hall, to make my own mistakes and to learn from them, but it's so scary to think about venturing off into a reality where they won't be there to make sure I'm okay.

TRUST

i need to learn not to be so trusting!
i have been let down soooo many times these past couple of weeks its disgusting! i'm disappointed with myself!!!

you think you know someone and you invest so much into them and then they make a complete 180...gahhh!!! im soo pissed off right now!!!

i have come to the realization that the only person i can count on is myself...to make me happy, tp get me through, to keep me sane, to be alive!

is there anyone truly trustworthy anymore???

as of now...i think not!

im sooo sick of exclusive people!!!! why cant everyone just be involved!!!

Great Expectations

There's something interesting I learned from the culmination of this year. People have expectations of you and if you don't meet those expectations, they get angry at you!

Right now, I'm struggling to figure out why the year has become this way. I was always told to be myself, to not care what other people think, to just do ME. Who cares what people think, right?

I did those things, I held those philosophies, I lived that lifestyle. It backfired on me. I started the CP job with fire, energy, passion, eagerness, excitement, joy. I realized I started too strong, I was told I started to strong and to tone it down. I took on too much work, too much responsibility, too much leadership, I was wrong for doing it. People got mad, they were angry that I, "put myself on a pedestal". So I stopped. I toned down, I backed off, I relinquished responsibilities and leadership. Little did I know that abiding by these requests, comments, COMMANDS; would hurt me later. People saw me backing off and mistook it for arrogance. I stepped up and stepped back so others would shine, they took that as checking out and stepping on an even greater pedestal. I hate that I am a people pleaser! There was a time that I would pull together an entire program out of thin air. That time is gone...There was a time that I knew all the answers, procedures, policies, ideas to make a program run smoothly, I don't know those anymore [I CAN'T KNOW THOSE ANYMORE]. Sometimes I feel like I get blamed for the team's lack of successful for each program. Lately, I feel like the expectations of myself and the goals I made for myself have been overlooked and pushed aside...for what? FOR THE GOOD OF THE TEAM....WHAT TEAM???

I'm raging right now, with emotion, stress, despair, ANGER. I inhibited myself and my strengths in order to be on the same "level" as my teammates. I was told to do that and now I feel like I have to shoulder their concerns, their mistakes, their anger and frustrations. I don't feel like myself right now. I don't feel like I am doing the best job I can with CP. I wanted to finish the year strong and now I just want to finish this year.

I'm scared for next year. I don't know how to present myself or how to act. I'm weary of starting out "TOO" strong for then those expectations of me and who I am will return and I'm afraid that if I don't meet those expectations, people will "hate". On the outside, I am composed, calm, cool, collected. Inside, I am broken, exhausted, confused, weary. People upset me sometimes! Sometimes I wish I could just yell at them, tell them how stupid they are, show them how their actions impact others....and then I think WHY would I do that? What does it prove? NOTHING! They won't change, they won't care, they will judge more. PEOPLE exhaust me, fascinate me, frustrate me, sadden me.

I just need to get away...SUMMER CANT COME SOON ENOUGH!!!

Priorities List

So0o0o0o in the wake of these past 4 or 5 weeks, i have managed put a complete hold on my life outside of SigEp! Mesa Court took a backseat, my family took a backseat, my school didn't even get a ride....my life was consumed...yes only by SONGFEST!!! All day I thought about songfest, how this song sounds, what this dance is supposed to look like, how to pose but act at the same time...the only thing that took me away from it all was my freaking job at UCI EXTENSION. Sitting on ring road for the 5 hours a day was the only escape I received from the intensity of songfest. It sounds really dramatic, but for me personally, songfest was all I could think about. It literally consumed my every being and I guess it was my fault for allowing it to do so. I was literally exhausted from the practices, going putting in 100% every single time, I danced, sang, acted...stepped foot into the room. During the day I slept, trying to recover from the night before, but every night was the same thing and the day after was rest.

I didn't go to school for literally 4 whole weeks and I suffered for it. I am SUFFERING for it. Bren Week was the worst....It was fun hanging out with the cast and stressing together and working through it together but in my other world, the world I was about to go back to after Bren Week things were bad...I got into some deep shit with my supervisor for missing meeting because I didnt give enough notice, I didnt even know we had to give even notice for missing meeting...the email said, "consequences will be administered accordingly." It was another thing that plagued me during the week...Songfest was amazing...definitely didnt regret a single moment or practice...but it was time for me to face the mess I created in my absence.

Going back to life post-songfest was weird....what was I to do with all this freetime, I suddenly acquired so fast? I realized that with this free time, I have to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

My priorities are out of whack! what was a top priority has disappeared, what should be at the top is at the bottom, what is at the bottom is on the side...there was no middle, it is what it is.
I had my 1:1 today....ready for to accept any consequences...it turned out a lot better than what i had expected...I didnt get a write up which I know I should have, but instead I was informed that I need to step up my game [true] because people on the team noticed that I had been dropping the ball. they questioned me, my priorities, my commitment, my character. He used the phrase "absence is arrogance". apparently people think that my MIA-ness is me thinking that I am better than the team because I got RA and that was my only goal. They feel that I havent been doing as much as them and that I dont care about the team. I was hurt. I really took that information seriously and to heart.

Never once in my entire life did I do something just to get ahead. I do things I like because I love what I do...that has always been my drive...Fall Quarter I went crazy, balls to the wall every time, every program, always setting the standard and putting in my 100%. Winter Quarter I decided to purpose activities outside of Mesa and yes I got heavily involved with SigEp but not once did I faulter in my commitment to the CPs, in fact I tried to encourage my team members to grow as leaders and I tried to serve as support system for them to come to for advice or guidance. I dont know or understand what happened this quarter. I purposely chose programs that were at the beginning of the quarter and at the end because of what was happening in the middle. It's not fair. Not once did I ever rat someone out for being MIA. I didnt treat them worse for it either, in fact I recognized the matter and adapted to it. I dont understand why, in my case it is different. I didnt leave the team, never did I think I was better than them because I got RA, I am still humbled in the fact that I got chosen to take part in this opportunity. It really hurts to know that people think that way about me...honestly I am really affected by it but it doesnt matter, I know I will be better for it and learn from it like I always do.

right now i just have to focus and reprioritze:

1- school
2-MESA COURT
3-family/friends
4- SigEp

extension isnt a priority of mine because it is something that i dont have to make a conscious effort to attend to.

Oh LIFE...what a tangled web you weave!!!

PRIDE

I am proud. Proud to be human. Proud to be a man. Proud to be Asian. Proud to be Filipino. Proud to be in college. Proud to be young and healthy. DAMN Proud to be a SigEp. FUCKING Proud to be a TITAN.


we got our letters tonight. 10+ weeks of learning, living, growing, doing, working, questioning...we worked hard for them...we earned them...a wise man told me thats how it was supposed to happen, how it was supposed to be, EVERYTHING that we did...all led up to the moment of ritual and a week after we found out the men who will be apart of our lives...for the rest of our lives...at least i hope so! In my heart I knew. There had to only be one person. There could only be one. The choice was clear...he was there from day ZERO...advised and took care of me from the absolute beginning...we went through so much together, experienced and grown with each other, me through him rather than vice versa...the choice was right and I couldn't be happier! The PRIDE i have for him is unexplainable. I just hope he will be proud of me in return!

My class...I love them...From day one they were there, they were down, I wouldn't want to go through the process with anyone else but them.

Though we went our seperate ways we will always be WINTER 2009.

A new JOURNEY begins....holy crap!!!!

broken

I see now why people say ignorance is bliss. And then there is that saying, "You never know until you try". I think there are some things that are just not worth trying or not supposed to be tried.

Right now, I am just so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted it is hard to concentrate and enjoy the little things that God has blessed me with in my life. Too be honest I really didn't know what I got myself into. What did I sign up for? Why did I take on this task? I wanted it! I wanted it so badly. At least, I think I wanted it. Now, I'm not so sure. I really thought Spring quarter would be easier, things wrapping up and things SLOWLY starting to unfold. I am so wrong! Things have piled up, things are slowly wrapping and quickly unfolding. It's like time has accelerated, let's put it in perspective...it's friday of WEEK 2 ALREADY! I always say, "Oh! I just need this thing to be over and I'll be fine and then it's this week to be over then things will be good. Things progress and this pile. It won't end til the quarter is over! I used to like it...well at least I think I used to like it.

I can't keep things straight anymore. Dates, times, rooms, numbers...everything just seems to be getting mixed up, jumbled and confused. My priorities are a mess. It hurts me more to know that I'm dropping the ball on some things just to succeed at another. I was supposed to have a balance, I worked to find and keep that balance. What happened to that balance?

It's too much. I'm overwhelmed. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I'm not strong enough. Is it all really worth it? Right now, I can't really say. Do I really want to try and find out if it is? Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just give up.

What's In a Name

So as I sit here waiting for my tabling to end, I started thinking of ways to amuse myself. I started looking up analyzers haha, like of my birthday of my horoscope, my personality and finally my name. I searched name analyzer and chose a site that dealt with numerology. I typed in my name and reading the results made my mouth drop in awe!!!

take a look:
You entered: karmichael

There are 10 letters in your name.
Those 10 letters total to 45
There are 4 vowels and 6 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 11

An Inner Dream number of 11 means:
You dream of casting the light of illumination; of being the true idealist. You secretly believe there is more to life than we can know or prove, and you would like to be provider of the 'word' from on high.

I dont know how they do it but seriously this analysis of my name was pretty spot on!!! It's like it knows me haha and i have no idea how numbers fit into it or what some of the things mean but it was seriously really cool.

anyways yeah I really like my name and reading things like the analysis just makes me appreciate my parents for giving me my name and then reading the "negatives" gives me a goal to improve upon.

More Change=Really Amazing!

"Can I come with you tomorrow to pick up your letter, please???"-Curtis
"WHY??? I'm probably not going to get it."- Me
"Do you want me to come with you tomorrow to pick up your letter?"- Eman
"Sure. If you want to."- Me
"Come on please, let us come. I want to be there for you. I want to see your face."-Curtis
"Fine, Whatever. If you want to see me cry."-Me
"Can I come too? I have to pick up my letter also." - Tim Khuu
"Yeah. Sure. Why Not."- Me

That was the conversation a few nights ago.
I was asked lots of other questions like..."Are you going to be okay, if you don't get it?"..."What are you going to do if it doesn't work out?"..."What are your chances?"..."What are your back ups?"...etc etc.

I had convinced myself that I would be fine, especially after the SPOP decisions had come out. I mean, there was other things I had to focus on. Whoever thought of sending out acceptance letters during finals week FAILS at LIFE. I had URBAN PLANNING at 10:30am, I can't think about RA!!! Too late....I was hooked. Would I really be okay? How would I handle it? Hopefully I handle it better than SPOP decisions. So many questions preoccupying my mind and interfereing with my studies! Oh well...the sudying got finished and all there was to do was wait. I was online at 9:00am, I saw my friend's status "aaaahhhh sooo excited" immediately I knew good news...I im'ed her the congratulations. She thanked me and told me our other friend got it too. DAMNIT I didn't get it....the trend seemed like that they only took 2 CPs and BAM there was two...So Early in the morning...I was sick...literally sick.....I knew I just had to pick up the letter just to hammer the nail into the coffin, but I couldn't. I had a final to take. I couldn;t stop thinking about the decision...walking to my final I was gagging. During the final I was gagging, it was hard to focus. I finished early and got the HELL out of there.

I called up Tim, Curtis and Eman told them to meet me in front of Social Sciences. The whole time I was sitting there...gagging. Ran into Shane while waiting. I tried to control the reflex. Tim showed but couldn't wait. He went ahead and told us to meet him there. Curtis and Eman showed up. I informed them that I was going to be sick. They didn't believe me. I gagged. They believed! The walk from Brandywine to the Housing Office, usually short and sweet, seemed like the longest walk ever taken by man. I walked up, pulled out my id card, received my fate. I brought it back to my bros standing in a group waiting..."Well, Open it." The moment of truth. At first nothing. I couldn't find the letter. No congratulations or unfortunately, only a bunch of papers. Then I saw the CONTRACT! I SCREAMED [probably the loudest scream i have ever done] and LEAPED FOR JOY, into my bros. Kind of embarrassing. actually.

-"Where did you get?"
--"Wait, I don't know."
I didn't even see the letter to see if i actually got it or where i got. I saw the contract just assumed I got it, i didnt care where.
Calm and collected. I filed through the papers one more time. There it was, Resident Advisor in Mesa Court. Salvation, Relief, Excitement, Joy, OMFG, NO WAY! Curtis and Eman confirmed that I got Mesa and I was received with pats on the back and good jobs and congratulations. The people who had just given me my letter, watched the SHOW [it was literally a show]. I couldn't believe it. Complete and utter shock. I was ready to be tested by the Lord one more time. I was ready for one more failure to prove that I had really grown and truly become stronger. HE has given me a new test and a new opportunity. THIS IS MY DOOR.

We walked a few steps towards PIPPIN, my smile EAR-2-EAR. Curtis said, "I'm so happy you got it. Honestly, if you didn't I wouldn't know what to say." "SAME HERE!" I responded. I had to put my letter away, as much as I wanted to keep it and hold on to it and read it over and over, as we walked in. Then the best part. The teasing. OMG, we are with an RA. Oh here comes RA Kar. Wow, you are an RA now! Step aside here comes the RA. You're getting NUBES, I guarantee it. Get ready for your medium sweatshirt. As much as I hated it, I felt so much love and so much support from my BROTHERS, it just added to the overall feeling and attitude of the day. I could not eat! My emotions and mind preparation had already fed me!

I texted my DAD, I knew he had been waiting for decision day since I applied. He texted me his congrats and good job and how poud of me he was. He called to really confirm. I could hear the sense of relief and excitement in his voice. This meant as much to him as it does to me. We went over a few more details, said our goodbyes and hung up.

We finished up and decided to head back to Mesa. I had to suppress my emotions because I knew not everyone would be getting the news I had recieved. I busted out AMBER, the hookah I bought last week, packed a bowl and plopped down in front of the CC at the same spot we always sit. I took out my letter, reading and rereading every detail, making sure that I had read everything right and that I wasn't mistaken. Everything was in order. As they smoked, I read through m papers, Training dates, Contract form, the letter, but best of all, the Hall Theme Preference Sheet. I read through the descriptions and was instructed to pick my TOP 5 themes and write my reason for picking each theme, ready to meet with my supervisor next quarter.

I knew I wanted general interest, specifically SELVA, because of my freshman year. It was my home, my first big challenge, and the place where I built the foundation for my next years at UCI. To me it only seemed right to want to be there again. To come full circle and rememberwho I was back then to who I am now. #1 General Interest, what next? I read through the descriptions again, Diversity [global issues] popped out, instantly #2. With all my experience in SPOP how could I not choose Diversity. I have grown so much and learned so much because of he diverse group of people I met last summer. I figured that in a Diversity hall I could take what I learned from SPOP and what my residents will learn this summer and create some sort of cohesive learning and living environment. I could put into perspective the reality that we are all tiny parts of a machine that amd that we are all needed to make it work. #3 Academic Excellence. I had to do it, for Eman and for Curtis [Barrance and Nubes], as much as I wouldn't want these halls, there is a part of me that wants to start a trend of SigEp Academic Excellence RAs. #4 and #5 I really didn't care. I had written so strongly about the first 3 that I was sure that #4 and #5 wouldn't matter, but I chose Diversity: Advocacy and Visual Arts. I turned in the contract and my preferences, second person to accept.

I hung around the HO [housing office] while Eman picked up duty. The rest of the team was filing in. Watching them all gear up and prepare for another night of rounds and needless calls got me more excited. I was going to be them in months! They gave me words of encouragement and advice, even offered me a crash course. Told me that I would be fine. Talked to me about passdown. So much stuff. Before I did not feel very connected to the RA staff because of the differences in our positions, in fact it's one of the things I am hoping to change next year. During all the talk and advice giving, I instantly felt connected to them. I am going to know how they are all feeling in a matter of months. I will be them in the blink of an eye. Duty was assembled and we headed out, Eman and I back to Barranca, Patrick to Aldea, Meil to Laguna, Jess to Viento and Sean O to Arroyo. Man, next year I will have my own hall. So surreal. I had to take a shower. In the midst of all the excitement, I remembered that I looked like complete SHIT from the night before. I slept in the REC center and went to my final in sweatpants, my night shirt and flip flops that I almost wore a hole through.

The shower felt really nice. I took a cooler one because of how hot it was outside. In the shower is where I really started to reflect and humble myself. WOW!!! How blessed am I to be getting the chance to come back to mesa next year? The MESA COURT pro staff took a chance on me. They believe in me. They wanted me to stay in HOUSING with them. They are allowing me to influence and guide the lives of 60+ strangers. They are entrusting ME, Karmichael Castillo with the opportunity to foster 60+ impressionable young adults for a year, well at least be there from the start and hoping to be there in the end. After my reflection period, I felt cleansed and anew. I have so much to look forward to for the next year.

I ventured back into the heart of mesa aka COMMONS [haha] for dinner. I really didn't know how to act, because I didn't want sad people to feel worse, I definitely knew how they were feeling. I tried to act normal. I think I downplayed it too much. People were asking me what the matter with me was, why I didn't seem as excited as everyone else who had found out that I got it. I explained and they understood. Outside I downplayed the whole ordeal but INSIDE was pure excitment and rapture. It was a HUGE PARTY inside my head. Except for what I have written in this blog, my thoughts and emotions will remain locked within me for the time being, at least until the hype dies down. I tried to study for the rest of the night, but the whole day I was going, I forgot that I was exhausted. My sleep deprivation had caught up to me in the MPR while I was "studying" I passed out, only to be woken up by Jenn Chen, I guess I started snoring, so embarrassing. I gave up the dream haha and headed to the house only to be greeted with more love and more congrats. After a couple games of pong I headed back to my humble abode. I don't really remember what happened after that to be honest. I was just so tired, that I changed, put on my usual sleep tunes, snuggled up under my blanket and into my pillows and...

This blog really has no philosophical insight or tangible substance. It's just an account of my day. My extraordinary, dreams come true, achievement fulfilling unbelieveable day.

My life is about to have More Change and the thought is Really Amazing.
I have 4 more quarters of Mesa Court left and I will be a Resident Advisor for 3 of them!!!

Thank you again to everyone for the support and love. This has been a trying week and I am truly deeply appreciative to have gone through it with you. Many of you have seen me at my worst and now I hope that in these next few months and over the next year you will see the BEST I have ever been!

When one door closes another one opens...I found my door. It was the same one I used before. It was closed, but not locked.

Everything happens for a reason...I found my reason. It's 60+ kids that I have yet to meet.

Numbing needs to hurry so I can move on...I'm not numb and I have not moved on. BUT I am moving forward, full of feeling and life.

Take this summer refocus, God has other plans...I know what I need to refocus on, I know God's plan and I like it.

I am ready for the challenges up ahead. I am ready for the future. I am so appreciative for the opportunity. I feel like a first year staffer again, thanking the coords for picking me and giving me a chance.

I didn't even expect to blog again so soon, but it's so funny how these last couple of days have tied together, especially through my blogs...the waiting period, the disappointment phase, the clarity/acceptance part and now the new CHAPTER excitement. My hunger, passion, and drive have been revived.

Sorry, I am done now. I really need to study. 8AM FINAL gahhh. Thank you for reading [if anyone is reading]

BTWs I started this blog at 2:08pm while working...I'm still at work and it's 4:38pm. 2 and a half hours of blogging. Am I bored? or Did I bursting with excitement? You decide. For me, I choose the latter of the 2 :D!

Happy finals week everyone!

CLOSURE in less than 12 hours....that's a record!

I cried today. I wrote my blog earlier. I went to work feeling lousy. I came back to my room started a movie and read a comment from my D-Sis [I FREAKING LOVE YOU REGINA!]. I was talking to Mo online as well telling her of my past 24 hours and as I was typing to her and reading the comment. I exploded! Tears upon tears. God I cant believe I let it happen but it happened, and you know what it felt GOOD! It was well deserved and well needed. After the building emotions for the past 3 months. The stresses and excitements of SigEp, the uber fail with Japanese, the exhaustion of Songfest, and then this emotion of SPOP, the cry was well over due and very very much deserved. I've gained composure now and I have a better understanding of things. It's funny how in a few hours things can change. Like my blog on wednesday I was unknowning and waiting and then this morning so angry/hurt/confused/lost and now clarity and peace.

I had dinner with TK tonight. She really helped me. Everytime I'm doubting or in a bind she is there. She reaffirms everytime why she is why number one! I came back after dinner to more comments [doris, jamie janet lee, HANNAH Johnson] I read them and BAM more clarity! Reading Jason Su's blog.....killed me! How could i be so cruel? So selfish? HERO I'm SORRY....I hope you can forgive my immaturity....SPOP is a priviledge not a right. Its not something I deserve to get, it's something I should be humbled and honored to get again! I understand that now and I do truly apologize! Though I sought answers and understanding I realize getting those answers doesnt change the decision. Don't get me wrong i never once believed that I was entitled to do SPOP again, i just wanted to do good and do right by the first year staffers so bad and so much that I convinced myself that I would be able to do it again. and you know what? I still can, just not this year, but hey who says I cant try again next year.

It's 1 year away but thats 365 days more for me to grow just like everyone says. It's going to be a tough couple of weeks, HELL a tough year pulling myself back onto my feet, but i gotta do it. There's no other way but up from here! There's something in store for me! There has to be, I wont allow it!


Thank you everyone for everything. These 2 days have been WEIRD!!!! Again, I'm sorry for being a downer, it was unexpected, but i truly am proud to say that I was a...
SPOP STAFFER!

i will forever be one and no one can take that experience away from me :)


2009 spop staff...WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!!!

trying to UNDERSTAND

I feel so empty inside. it has been decided. the wait is over, the damage is done, the emails have been read.

I read mine over and over, trying to find some sort of error. maybe this was a joke, maybe they sent it to me by mistake, maybe im sleeping right now and ill wake up just like i did so many times before....NO...no mistake, no joke, no dream...."We regret to inform you that you have not been selected to be on staff this year..." OH MY GOD! i couldnt help but laugh! shock, amazement, disappointment, anger, rage, sadness, fear....for the first time in my life i felt my heartbreak. I was embarrassed. My bro curtis was with me when i found out, he also applied, i couldnt help but laugh because i didnt want to cry, as much as i wanted to cry i just couldnt.

With news like this you cant help but question...how could this happen to me? everyone said i could do it, that they knew i would get it...what went wrong? did i not want it enough? did they not like me? how did i not fit the dynamic? how could i not pair with anyone? I thought i got along well with everyone? was my interview that bad? it couldnt have been that bad, could it? what were they looking for? how did 4 of my closests friends from last year get it and not me? why am i being so selfish right now? 10 hours of constant question....yeah my day was ruined...to be honest, so was my week, my spring quarter, and pretty much my plans for summer....i have no hope left...it was taken away from me.

It sounds really really awful i know, i cant rely on a program to make me happy or to base the rest of my year on, thats ludacris, but yesterday for those 10 hours, thats all i could think about. and today i woke up and for the first time in a while, i didnt smile.....its weird cuz thats the title of my blog. Rejection is hard....i forgot what it feels like to be rejected....i mean it really wasnt that long ago when i was in my "ghostly stage".....but it was that program man, that dern program that made me forget about who i used to be and helped me focus on who i want to be and who i am. I have no idea where i'm going with this but i just need to write, there is no other way for me to express myself. i cant talk to anyone because those around me either got it or are feeling the same way and i cant get closure. no coord would wanna talk to me because im sure they are dealing with people trying to talk to them. my parents have no idea what the program is all about. i definitely feel alone, right now.

I feel like i let my guard down. people told me things that really made me feel good about myself and confident in my qualities as a person and skills for this up-coming year. I took those comments and rested on them. i should have stayed hungrier, i could have been better, i should have wanted it more. thats why i hate competition. i feel like the whole essence of the program is for untiy and inclusiveness and bonding and connection to uci and to each other. whats funny is, you have to compete with other people to be apart of that inclusiveness and "magic", if not youre just excluded and youre stuck wondering what could have been. I didnt want to compete, thats not who i am. i rested on the fact that 3 of them knew me and knew the kind of person i was...maybe it wasnt enough...maybe they saw that as not trying hard enough...i just wanted it to be fair...but then again life isnt fair and its proven because 3 of the 4 goldies in my interview got it....it sucks to know that.

I dont want to be mad at the world, or my friends, or the coords...i want to be happy for everyone! i want the 2009 staff to know the beauty of the program and know how lucky they are that they got it, i just want to be there with them!

yesterday, it felt good to just surround myself with people i loved.
STACY you are amazing an amazing friend and confidaunt[?]. thank you for being with me every step of the way yesterday. i seriously dont know what i would have done if you didnt share your wisdom and company with me yesteday.
KRISTLE i love you! seeing you yesterday just made my day more meaningful. i know it was tough being happy for your kids but also being there for me but you handled it and i appreciate it so much.
D-Mama thank you for you kind words and support. and just helping me realize that it's okay.
Pops i really wanted to make you proud and have grandkids for you this year. i'm sorry i couldnt make it happen. thank you for loving me and being an amazing parent!
Momma even though you are so far away thank you for being there!
EMAN!!! i am so lucky to have you as a friend, as a bro, as an outlet, as a mentor, and as a role model. thank you so much for listening to me last night and just putting up with everyone and everything that came your way. your support and genuine understanding made me feel better. WE are still going to have an amazing summer together!



everything happens for a reason....just waiting to find out what the reason is
when one door closes another opens...wondering which door its going to be
I feel so vulnerable right now....its weird....numbing needs to hurry and get here so i can move on!

paitiently waiting

so0o0o0o anxious!

i need to move on with me life. i find myself spacing out at times daydreaming of what my life would be like without the greatness of the program for the rest of this year. I wonder...I really do. only time will tell.....only 1 more day


waiting waiting waiting

I cant wait!

random babble....definitely needed

I bought a fish! I'm really excited about it actually, it's the first time I have had a pet in almost going on 6 years. His name is Mizu which is Japanese for water, I dont know how appropriate that is but whatever. My fish is beautiful, he is all shades of blue, a kind of dark blue body and he lightens/gets more bold towards his fins, i guess, i dont really know but i love him, he is SICK!

anyways, Mizu has definitely been another positive thing in my life. i love just watching him swim around in his bowl [which is a flower vase that my mother gave me], it's weird how it's only been like 2 days since i've had him and i already notice what kind of personality he has, or maybe i'm just concentrating too much on him lol but he gets really excited when i put food in his bowl. like i can tell, because he is usually chillin at the bottom of his bowl and then when i put food in and he starts like "wagging?" his tail fin like really fast but like he doesnt wanna be rude and eat up like a fatty so he like swims round and round in his bowl and like slowly approaches a pellet then boom in his mouth then again round and round and boom another pellet. he does it like 3 or 4 times until all the pellets are gone and after he is done eating like i feel like to show his gratitude he "dances" for me. he swims to the middle of his bowl and like just does a really beautiful swim/dance, he is so graceful, i get jealous haha.

I dont know if he can see me but when i'm sitting at my desk on my computer i look up and i find Mizu staring at the glass in my direction, its like he is watching me/watching over me. when i woke up these past two mornings Mizu was at the front of his bowl like looking at me. It sounds weird but oddly i feel protected, i feel like he cares. Maybe i'm being weird/ emo and wanting someone to care for me i deno but somehow i feel like Mizu fills that void haha

This weekend I went home after 1 and 1/2 months of being away. My grandpa turned 90 on February 19, 2009. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOLO! It was a joyous ocassion seriously because it was a family effort to put on a huge milestone party for my lolo. it was nice to see my ENTIRE family come together and do what they could to honor the patriarch of our family, for whom we would not exist in the United States without him. For me though it was bittersweet. It was nice to spend time with my grandpa and be with him on his special day, but it killed me to know that he didnt even know it was his birthday. he sat in his wheelchair the entire tim because his body is too weak to stand, meeting and remeeting all these guests we invited, and even some of his own grandchildren, even ME. at one point during the party, my grandpa waved my sister over and in almost a whisper he asked her, "Have you seen my wife? I've been looking for her, but she just left me here. I can't find her." [my grandmother passed away on March 10, 2004 when I was a sophomore in high school.] My grandpa has been mourning for almost 5 years, and this has caused the deterioration of his will to live. It also didnt help that my Uncle, his youngest son, passed away going on 3 years ago. My sister had no idea how to address this question. how do you tell and 90 year old man, that his wife has been dead for 5 years? how do you go and break someone's heart again, on their birthday? My sister went to my dad to solve the problem. My dad took it into his own hands to tell his father, "Itay[dad], Inay[mom] is gone. She is in heaven with Chito." The tears just started to roll down their faces, both my father and my grandfather. the only thing my grandfather said was, "oh okay." and he continued to cry. that's all he ever does now, just cry and i cant help but know deep down, he is waiting to die. it makes me sad because i know my grandpa will forget everything the next day. he will forget his birthday, he will forget our names, and he will forget that his wife is gone, and he will just continue his search.

sometimes i wish there was something i could do to just make his pain go away, make his sorrows subside, make his memory come back, even just for one day. just for one day i want him to be happy again.

I'm sounding ubder emo right now haha but i am trying to stay positive and happy....its the results of my interviews that is keeping me nervous. It was exactly a year ago when i applied for SPOP and HOUSING and coming out of those interviews last year, i was confident in myself, and in my skills. But this year is completely different haha I did my BEST i know i did its up to the team dynamics now. this year the waiting is killer! haha

i promise ill write a happier blog soon!

until then...

New Year...New Beginning...New Memories

it has begun...it is officially 3 weeks into school and so much has already been done.

in retrospect it seems as though time is flying by faster and faster but going through the motions it feels like these past 3 weeks have been going on for 3 months. I guess it has a lot to do with how busy and packed my schedule has become. I made resolutions this year that I am hoping to keep up.

The first is to focus on school
The second is to go to the gym more often/ live a more active lifestyle
The third is to save up money
The fourth and I think most important is...To be nicer to people.

the first 3 resolutions are given i feel, and i just need to really set up a good routine to keep them up. my last resolution is more abstract and i think a lot more difficult for me. i have a tendency to push my limits and a lot of the time i walk a fine line between joking and insult. i am really trying hard to stay away from that fine line. This year, I am hoping to become more of a man in the sense of taking responsibility for my actions, and being more mature. I am trying to be more conscious of what I say and to who i say things too just to make sure i'm not walking the line and just making the mood more light-hearted. I really want to focus on making people feel appreciated for being influences in my life. I am trying to focus on the overall good/positive things about someone that I enjoy about them rather than noticing their sillinesses and poking fun at them[if that makes sense].

I want to change, I want to be a better person, I want to be a better friend, I want to be a better Man. one of the main reasons for these resolutions and for this need for change is that fact that I am now a Sigma for Sigma Phi Epsilon.

I don't know how many people i have told about how i have wanted to go greek and what not, and finally i have the chance. i rushed week 1 and got a bid that same week and things just started to flow and fall into place. Words cant express the amazing feelings i have inside. I have finally been successful in my attempts, in my journey, in my drive. I cant believe that i'm affiliated HaHa its just crazy to think about.

Anyways, back to the resolutions, I knew that by accepting my bid to join the chapter, there was a lot that i would need to change/modify. Definitely my spending habits [no more weekly cham sut gol], next my balance of CPness and school had to be more focused because of the additions, physical fitness is important so that i can play sports and do whatever is required during the Sigma process, and finally my attitude and how i talked to people. I am starting off at the bottom of the chain, no one is going to put up with my attitude/sarcasm. I have to be more conscious of my actions/ words and most of all try to stay away from that "Knowing everything about everyone business" [thanks heather!]. the balanced man program for SigEp does just that helps shape a Balanced Man. I am hoping to grow in this experience and make myself better.

I am going to be super busy this quarter with meetings, and programs, and applications, and extra curriculars, plus trying to get another job to pay for my extra expenses but i'm hoping it will work out!

I still cant believe how everything has worked out so far. I am floating on cloud 9 and i cant wait to see what the rest of the quarter has in store!