Great Expectations

There's something interesting I learned from the culmination of this year. People have expectations of you and if you don't meet those expectations, they get angry at you!

Right now, I'm struggling to figure out why the year has become this way. I was always told to be myself, to not care what other people think, to just do ME. Who cares what people think, right?

I did those things, I held those philosophies, I lived that lifestyle. It backfired on me. I started the CP job with fire, energy, passion, eagerness, excitement, joy. I realized I started too strong, I was told I started to strong and to tone it down. I took on too much work, too much responsibility, too much leadership, I was wrong for doing it. People got mad, they were angry that I, "put myself on a pedestal". So I stopped. I toned down, I backed off, I relinquished responsibilities and leadership. Little did I know that abiding by these requests, comments, COMMANDS; would hurt me later. People saw me backing off and mistook it for arrogance. I stepped up and stepped back so others would shine, they took that as checking out and stepping on an even greater pedestal. I hate that I am a people pleaser! There was a time that I would pull together an entire program out of thin air. That time is gone...There was a time that I knew all the answers, procedures, policies, ideas to make a program run smoothly, I don't know those anymore [I CAN'T KNOW THOSE ANYMORE]. Sometimes I feel like I get blamed for the team's lack of successful for each program. Lately, I feel like the expectations of myself and the goals I made for myself have been overlooked and pushed aside...for what? FOR THE GOOD OF THE TEAM....WHAT TEAM???

I'm raging right now, with emotion, stress, despair, ANGER. I inhibited myself and my strengths in order to be on the same "level" as my teammates. I was told to do that and now I feel like I have to shoulder their concerns, their mistakes, their anger and frustrations. I don't feel like myself right now. I don't feel like I am doing the best job I can with CP. I wanted to finish the year strong and now I just want to finish this year.

I'm scared for next year. I don't know how to present myself or how to act. I'm weary of starting out "TOO" strong for then those expectations of me and who I am will return and I'm afraid that if I don't meet those expectations, people will "hate". On the outside, I am composed, calm, cool, collected. Inside, I am broken, exhausted, confused, weary. People upset me sometimes! Sometimes I wish I could just yell at them, tell them how stupid they are, show them how their actions impact others....and then I think WHY would I do that? What does it prove? NOTHING! They won't change, they won't care, they will judge more. PEOPLE exhaust me, fascinate me, frustrate me, sadden me.

I just need to get away...SUMMER CANT COME SOON ENOUGH!!!