Priorities List

So0o0o0o in the wake of these past 4 or 5 weeks, i have managed put a complete hold on my life outside of SigEp! Mesa Court took a backseat, my family took a backseat, my school didn't even get a ride....my life was consumed...yes only by SONGFEST!!! All day I thought about songfest, how this song sounds, what this dance is supposed to look like, how to pose but act at the same time...the only thing that took me away from it all was my freaking job at UCI EXTENSION. Sitting on ring road for the 5 hours a day was the only escape I received from the intensity of songfest. It sounds really dramatic, but for me personally, songfest was all I could think about. It literally consumed my every being and I guess it was my fault for allowing it to do so. I was literally exhausted from the practices, going putting in 100% every single time, I danced, sang, acted...stepped foot into the room. During the day I slept, trying to recover from the night before, but every night was the same thing and the day after was rest.

I didn't go to school for literally 4 whole weeks and I suffered for it. I am SUFFERING for it. Bren Week was the worst....It was fun hanging out with the cast and stressing together and working through it together but in my other world, the world I was about to go back to after Bren Week things were bad...I got into some deep shit with my supervisor for missing meeting because I didnt give enough notice, I didnt even know we had to give even notice for missing meeting...the email said, "consequences will be administered accordingly." It was another thing that plagued me during the week...Songfest was amazing...definitely didnt regret a single moment or practice...but it was time for me to face the mess I created in my absence.

Going back to life post-songfest was weird....what was I to do with all this freetime, I suddenly acquired so fast? I realized that with this free time, I have to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

My priorities are out of whack! what was a top priority has disappeared, what should be at the top is at the bottom, what is at the bottom is on the side...there was no middle, it is what it is.
I had my 1:1 today....ready for to accept any consequences...it turned out a lot better than what i had expected...I didnt get a write up which I know I should have, but instead I was informed that I need to step up my game [true] because people on the team noticed that I had been dropping the ball. they questioned me, my priorities, my commitment, my character. He used the phrase "absence is arrogance". apparently people think that my MIA-ness is me thinking that I am better than the team because I got RA and that was my only goal. They feel that I havent been doing as much as them and that I dont care about the team. I was hurt. I really took that information seriously and to heart.

Never once in my entire life did I do something just to get ahead. I do things I like because I love what I do...that has always been my drive...Fall Quarter I went crazy, balls to the wall every time, every program, always setting the standard and putting in my 100%. Winter Quarter I decided to purpose activities outside of Mesa and yes I got heavily involved with SigEp but not once did I faulter in my commitment to the CPs, in fact I tried to encourage my team members to grow as leaders and I tried to serve as support system for them to come to for advice or guidance. I dont know or understand what happened this quarter. I purposely chose programs that were at the beginning of the quarter and at the end because of what was happening in the middle. It's not fair. Not once did I ever rat someone out for being MIA. I didnt treat them worse for it either, in fact I recognized the matter and adapted to it. I dont understand why, in my case it is different. I didnt leave the team, never did I think I was better than them because I got RA, I am still humbled in the fact that I got chosen to take part in this opportunity. It really hurts to know that people think that way about me...honestly I am really affected by it but it doesnt matter, I know I will be better for it and learn from it like I always do.

right now i just have to focus and reprioritze:

1- school
2-MESA COURT
3-family/friends
4- SigEp

extension isnt a priority of mine because it is something that i dont have to make a conscious effort to attend to.

Oh LIFE...what a tangled web you weave!!!

PRIDE

I am proud. Proud to be human. Proud to be a man. Proud to be Asian. Proud to be Filipino. Proud to be in college. Proud to be young and healthy. DAMN Proud to be a SigEp. FUCKING Proud to be a TITAN.


we got our letters tonight. 10+ weeks of learning, living, growing, doing, working, questioning...we worked hard for them...we earned them...a wise man told me thats how it was supposed to happen, how it was supposed to be, EVERYTHING that we did...all led up to the moment of ritual and a week after we found out the men who will be apart of our lives...for the rest of our lives...at least i hope so! In my heart I knew. There had to only be one person. There could only be one. The choice was clear...he was there from day ZERO...advised and took care of me from the absolute beginning...we went through so much together, experienced and grown with each other, me through him rather than vice versa...the choice was right and I couldn't be happier! The PRIDE i have for him is unexplainable. I just hope he will be proud of me in return!

My class...I love them...From day one they were there, they were down, I wouldn't want to go through the process with anyone else but them.

Though we went our seperate ways we will always be WINTER 2009.

A new JOURNEY begins....holy crap!!!!

broken

I see now why people say ignorance is bliss. And then there is that saying, "You never know until you try". I think there are some things that are just not worth trying or not supposed to be tried.

Right now, I am just so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted it is hard to concentrate and enjoy the little things that God has blessed me with in my life. Too be honest I really didn't know what I got myself into. What did I sign up for? Why did I take on this task? I wanted it! I wanted it so badly. At least, I think I wanted it. Now, I'm not so sure. I really thought Spring quarter would be easier, things wrapping up and things SLOWLY starting to unfold. I am so wrong! Things have piled up, things are slowly wrapping and quickly unfolding. It's like time has accelerated, let's put it in perspective...it's friday of WEEK 2 ALREADY! I always say, "Oh! I just need this thing to be over and I'll be fine and then it's this week to be over then things will be good. Things progress and this pile. It won't end til the quarter is over! I used to like it...well at least I think I used to like it.

I can't keep things straight anymore. Dates, times, rooms, numbers...everything just seems to be getting mixed up, jumbled and confused. My priorities are a mess. It hurts me more to know that I'm dropping the ball on some things just to succeed at another. I was supposed to have a balance, I worked to find and keep that balance. What happened to that balance?

It's too much. I'm overwhelmed. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I'm not strong enough. Is it all really worth it? Right now, I can't really say. Do I really want to try and find out if it is? Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just give up.

What's In a Name

So as I sit here waiting for my tabling to end, I started thinking of ways to amuse myself. I started looking up analyzers haha, like of my birthday of my horoscope, my personality and finally my name. I searched name analyzer and chose a site that dealt with numerology. I typed in my name and reading the results made my mouth drop in awe!!!

take a look:
You entered: karmichael

There are 10 letters in your name.
Those 10 letters total to 45
There are 4 vowels and 6 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 11

An Inner Dream number of 11 means:
You dream of casting the light of illumination; of being the true idealist. You secretly believe there is more to life than we can know or prove, and you would like to be provider of the 'word' from on high.

I dont know how they do it but seriously this analysis of my name was pretty spot on!!! It's like it knows me haha and i have no idea how numbers fit into it or what some of the things mean but it was seriously really cool.

anyways yeah I really like my name and reading things like the analysis just makes me appreciate my parents for giving me my name and then reading the "negatives" gives me a goal to improve upon.