I want to get AWAY...I want to FLY AWAY

I wish I could FLY. I just wanna leave the constraints of my life as it is right now and just FLY. I feel that one of the reasons why I feel so empty inside is that I have become complacent and ungrateful. I feel that I have stopped living and just resorted to going through the motions. I sometimes I feel trapped in my world. The only world I know is the tiny bubble of UCI and Rancho Peñasquitos. I wanna get out of here; I need to get out of here. I need to refresh my perspective on life and experience other cultures and cities. Lots of people have told me to try going abroad because it truly is an experience of a lifetime. A really good friend of mine went abroad almost 2 years ago [I believe] and she came back eyes open and ready to face life in America once again. A bunch of people I know are abroad right now, teaching English and experiencing cultures and discovering the true size of an ant. My sister went abroad last summer for 5-weeks she said she hated it over there at the time but confesses almost every day that she would do it again in a heartbeat.

I hear these stories and cant help but feel envious of these adventures. I feel like I wasted my opportunity to study abroad last summer banking on one thing and this summer I will be working in housing. I wanna get away, I wanna fly away.





I wanna see the world, appreciate its gifts, experience its hardships, engulf myself in its mysteries. They say the world is your oyster...I wanna open it up and find the pearl that is inside. I wanna get away and rejuvenate myself for life.

Maybe one day I will get away.

Hardiness

I took a class on Existential Psychology this past quarter and although it was freaking boring, the things I took away from it truly make sense. My teacher, Salvatore Maddi, was the person who coined the term "Hardiness". Hardiness is the building up of existential courage through commitment, control, and challenge. In order for one to be existentially hardi and have courage, one must consistently choose the future and face ontological anxiety. Ontological anxiety is pretty much the fear of the unknown. If one does not choose to fear the unknown but instead take comfort in the past, then one develops ontological guilt and build up of this guilt leads to depression and other existential sicknesses.

You may be wondering why I threw out all these terms when a) FINALS are OVER and b) YOU have NO IDEA what I am talking about. So one of the things I have tried to do over the past couple of years, especially trying to think of my future after college, is apply what I have learned to every day life and the world around me. Taking this class on existentialism and essentially "Hardiness" was kind of perfect for me. This concept applies to my life so much more, now that decision letters have come out and emotions have settled down.

In this class we learned that in order to live an Authentic Lifestyle of Individualism, you must build existential courage and be Hardi. Coming into this class, I felt like I was already hardi [especially after the toughest 2 years of my life, I couldn't be anything but Hardi]. Then we learned that although one may be hardi now, this hardiness does not last and must always be maintained through commitment, control, and challenge in every day life. I learned that I must constantly push myself forward no matter how uncertain I become. This is where my real-life situations and morals come into play.

Not getting SPOP last year damaged me. The heavy blow to my ego and person started the crack to what I thought was my Hardiness Shield. Getting RA repaired the damage to the shield that I was wielding. Not getting SPOP last year and the pain I felt then, made me not want to apply again in order to save myself from the heartache [that makes me prone to ontological guilt]. Fast forward exactly 12 months...

I applied for SPOP again, going into my interviews confident in myself and my cause. I reapplied for RA being confident in my skills and my leadership qualities to get me a second chance. I applied for Summer Conference Assistant believing that if I didn't get SPOP well at least I would still get to work with them if I got Conference Assistant. I applied for Community Assistant in 2nd year housing [to just have more options].

Decision letters came out FRIDAY...Rejected, Rejected, Alternate, and Congratulations...I was feeling hurt, vulnerable, ANGRY, worthless. All the negative emotions I felt that day overshadowed the Congratulations I received from VDC Norte. All I could feel was emptiness...Deep down I felt, I understand now why it is so much easier to choose the past, to avoid this heartache. My hardiness declined for 4 days straight. The commitment, control, and challenge I faced for 12 whole months was brought down in a matter of hours. Negativity always does that to a person.

This is where the Hardiness comes into play. I messaged the beautiful and wise Hannah Johnson Friday night about how lost I was feeling. She messaged me back after a couple days with the most beautiful, wise, and heartwarming words I could ever imagine. Granted they weren't what I wanted to hear..like "WTF thats BULLSHIT you should have gotten it" but more like "I understand that it sucks but the OPPORTUNITIES for your are still countless. You don't need SPOP to change lives and be who you are. Be glad that you got to be on an Amazing Staff already." She told me to take the time to find out for myself what I wanna do with my last year and enjoy it. Simple solution to such a complex mentality.

This is where the ontological anxiety will be experienced...HJ is right, I don't need to returner or do something again in order to feel good or be defined. My definition comes from the experiences I have had, are having, and will have. SPOP came to me in one of the darkest times of my life and it has brought me out of those times to shine BOLD and BRIGHT. RA has been my dream since I started college and accomplishing and living my dream is enough for me. VDC Norte CA is a new frontier that I haven't clearly defined nor experienced. It should be the perfect start to a new outlook on life. I cant feel the anxiety building...they say when you love something, let it go and it will come back to you one way or another...MY LOVE FOR SPOP WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME but it is time to let it go. It is time to stop living the dream and discover a new reality. I am grateful for the experience I have had and the life lessons I have learned and now my hope is that someone will have just as amazing an experience with SPOP as I did. I LOVE being an RA. The interactions and relationship building I have with my residents and the staff is something I will never forget. Mesa was 3 years of my life [dorms, CP and RA] it will always have a special place but I am called to move on from this place and let fresh ideas flow into the community. As much as I am going to miss being in Mesa and working with professional and student staff, I feel now that it is only RIGHT for me to move on. Mesa will be losing a large asset and a truly dedicated staff member, but they are gaining a new perspective.

Finally, I feel terrible that I haven't been as excited to be a CA in Norte as I should be, and hopefully you all understand that it has been a tough couple of days to actually sit down and rethink everything that has happened in the past 4 or 5 days. Looking forward to my year next year, I wanna be excited and passionate. I wanna find new ways to excel in my leadership and relationship building. I am going into this opportunity completely BLIND and ALONE...I don't have my support system of Erin or Natasha with me next year and that scares me shitless! for the past 2 years, I have been able to depend on them and trust them with my everything...next year I have to find a new faith in people and depend more upon myself. This is where the Hardiness begins to rebuild itself...I must COMMiT myself to spreading my wings and putting myself wholeheartedly into Norte next year, I must CONTRoL my attitude and personal situations in order to be successful in my position next year and I must CHALLENgE myself to make the best out of my situations and taking every opportunity to learn about my position, about others, and about myself.

...the next few months are filled with NEW CHANGES and NEW OPPORTUNITIES...HARDINESS is beckoning!

Don't FAULT ME...I'm Human

If we get cut, do we not BLEED
If we get scared, do our hearts not race or bodies begin to tremble
If we are sad, do we not CRY
If we are happy, do we not LAUGH and SMILE
If we are angry, do we not scream!
We do these things because we are HUMAN.
We do these things because they are NATURAL.

So please for the first time in 2 years let me be HUMAN, let me be NATURAL, let me BLEED, let me CRY, let me tremble, let me SCREAM!!!!!

I am HUMAN, that is all I am and that is all I claim to be! I apologize to those who read this, I mean no disrespect....I am only HUMAN.

2 years ago I was given this amazing opportunity and 2 years ago my life changed. 2 years has gone by and I am at a stand still. 1 year ago I applied. 1 year ago I was rejected. 1 year ago I felt that I was not good enough, that I wasn't ready, that I didn't deserve it. 1 year passed and the time came again, new year new opportunities right? WRONG! I spent 1 year hoping and wishing and praying and did what I thought was growing and what took me a year was DESTROYED in a few hours! FUCK!

My life is not over, I am still standing, the only difference is that I am coming out HARDER and COLDER. Maybe that's better! This world is cruel, harsh, and full of bullshit! I realize that now and honestly I am better for it! Better late then never!

they say, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all or BUT I say, IGNORANCE is BLISS! If I had known 2 years ago that the program I fell in "LOVE WITH" and the "PEOPLE I LOVED" would fuck me up in the end I wish I would have never known that love!

They say, try again, you never know next year, I say NO! there is no next year. I am not going to ALLOW ANOTHER YEAR and ANOTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE TELL ME I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH WHEN I KNOW FOR VERY WELL that I AM THE BEST I CAN EVER BE!!!

NO ONE MAKES ME FEEL WORTHLESS. NO ONE MAKES ME FEEL LESS THAN WHO I AM...NO ONE!!!

I'm tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else. I'm tired of living on edge and being afraid to offend anyone! I'm HUMAN and that's all I can ever be!

OBVIOUSLY you can see that TODAY has been a HUGE disappointment for me! But for most of you who have other lives or have been given opportunities, you probably don't care! PERFECT!

I am 1 for 4 today. I was given the opportunity to be an CA in VDC Norte and instead of being excited and proud of myself, I couldn't help but feel like crap because I wasn't good enough for MESA COURT anymore, I wasn't good enough to work as a Summer Conference Assistant, and I wasn't good enough for SPOP. I don't see what Norte saw in me....I guess they didn't speak to the other programs I applied for! I feel like a condom...USED for the GOOD TIMES and flushed for when it's over!

You're probably reading this and are thinking, damn what a selfish motherfucker and I apologize if you feel that way but, I am HUMAN. I put myself into everything I do and when it comes to be that myself isn't good enough, I take it a little personal. But WHATEVER....I need to start caring about myself and making myself feel better becuz for sure no one else will care about me or make me feel better!

FUCKING A man! I hate this feeling! At least I know that I have one year left to enjoy myself, to not live on edge, and to not care about what others think and just LIVE! I am FREE!