the safer placer the more open the people

Okay so I had so much to say for my last blog that I decided to dedicate a whole new one to SPOP 5 the Caliente Puente Kings [and Queens]!

Coming out of Spop 4 was amazing…it was such a high point of staffing that I didn’t think I would ever be coming down…but before the Spop 5 insanity, I got to reconnect with one of the most special people I have met through this program…Stephanie Takeshita has been MIA in my life for soo long that I was feeling like she was forgetting about me or too busy for me…the night before spop 5 I was half way to bed when I hear a voice through my window calling my name, it was Steph…she comes into my room frantic because she had lost her cell phone, I know, that DB! She told me how she left in on the back of Brett’s car and that she forgot to grab it before leaving talent show practice…so we started calling the boys of OXFORD but no one answered…I went with Steph back to the structure to maybe go look for it…on the way in she spots it!!! You could seriously feel the relief in the air! You know Steph is worried or concerned when she starts to cuss and after we found her phone she returned back to her normal self lol…so instead of going back to sleep, we decide to hang out for a little bit and by a little bit it meant like 2 hours!!! So I didn’t get to sleep until 3 something in the morning…

I was also super nervous because my sister was coming for spop 5 and everyone was dying to meet her and I really wanted her to have a good time…I was definitely worried about it…so anyways to start off, I wake up super late for 5 [we were supposed to check in at 745 and I woke up at 73o] thank you steph for waking me up!!! Lol sooo I was already an HTM trying to get ready and be on time!!! Well needless to say I wasn’t on time and not ready! I showed up to meeting late but tried to sneak in unnoticed and definitely failed! I had a shit load of stuff but no contacts in and no gel in the hair [I looked like an HTM and a paintbrush head…lol]

okay sooo biggest surprise of my life, finding out who I got to staff with….first and foremost WES was my CP yeah that’s right be jealous…seriously everyone who found out I was staffing with WES was like omg WES no way youre sooo lucky and I was like yeah I know!...okay next surprise, CLARE!!! My P.I.C. spsister and I got to staff together, we were the ultimate team!!! I also got to staff with Chris Cialeo [my inspiration for singing], Jessica Montri [one of the sweetest girls I have ever met] and Melyssa Griffin [OMG yes M.G. such an amazing girl, definitely the cherry on top of our sundae]…sooo spop 5 started off pretty well..we decided to be the Caliente Puente Kings (because we were mostly and all guy hall) and we added the [and Queens] for the lovely ladies…thus CPK was born!


This spop was a bit different, I was on edge the whole time thinking about my sister and wondering if she was going to have a good time and fall in love with UCI like I did! Also, this spop I really got to step up as a leader because we didn’t have a returner and naturally I just declared myself the returner haha! But seriously I was soo excited to meet everyone…I never had the opportunity to meet everyone right at check in because I always had tasks!

The spoppers started coming into the hall and boy was I blown away! Not once was there ever a time that someone was not talking to someone [at least from what I saw] and the there was this spopper who helped me come out of my shell…Arti! Arti was definitely one of a kind…he had a way of just talking randomness to where who ever he was talking to just couldn’t help but laugh with him…Thanks Arti! As I looked around the room at the amazingness that was CPK I couldn’t help but feel sooo proud, and the program had just barely begun. So Mel took the group outside and started playing game with them and I stayed for the late comers…when everyone had checked in, I joined the group just in time for my favorite game, dance off…needless to say my group kicked ass lol…then we played hall dance off with Otero…then dinner…after O in 4 acts…we took the spoppers back to the hall for Cross the Line…after the activity, one of them, Andrew voiced his concern for crossing the line about his religion…he said he was concerned about crossing because he knew he would make enemies…this affected me so much that I commented back saying “that if you have negative thoughts, views, or words, about certain people religions ideas or practices, keep it to yourself…UCI is a melting pot of cultures just like America in general…anyone with these thoughts should not voice it because they don’t know how they would affect someone” something to that effect lol…I wanted to make Andrew feel comfortable for who he was as a person especially at UCI, because I know sometimes the world isn’t a welcoming place…anyways, we worked on the hall cheer, which was epic because another spopper, quiet and somewhat of a thinker just stepped up to the plate and came up with lines for our cheer and everyone was just so supportive of his ideas and gave such great compliments…so then we went to cha and Clare and I got to talk about how amazed we were that everyone was just so comfortable with each other and no one was walking alone, and we were like damn what do they need us for they are already all-stars…we came back to the hall to get ready for the dance party but I stayed behind with my p.i.c. since some spoppers didn’t wanna go…we definitely had a good time talking and just catching up and being soo excited to staff with each other…I got a quick nap in before Spolympics…after the dance party they came back and we got a few of them to go to Cumbre for Spolympics…it was my first time doing it and it was really fun! Again, good ol Arti proposed to me for staff proposals and then ripped on me hardcore during staff impressions but hey it’s all in good fun and I know he worshiped me haha…good times…we stayed up til about 4ooAM then headed back to bed only for me to wake up at 63o for parent check-in….i got back in time to see the cheer, we rocked it…then talent show prep!!!!

AGAIN I was nervous as hell only because my sister was in the crowd and I didn’t wanna prove her right…..spopapella was pretty good, I was nervous the whole time and EVERYONE could tell [thanks ori for being honest with me…lol] but again I pulled off my solo liked I had been singing for years…yes yes I took them to church…I honestly love singing, there is something about it that just makes me feel sooo free and amazing….it makes me happy to just sing lyrics to my favorite songs and to songs that I just learn…so after the talent show, I see my sister and she says “you really can sing!” wow to hear that from her felt sooo good…you know how everyone says do what makes you happy, just do it for yourself no one else…everything I do is for my sister and my family…what makes me happy is when they are happy…I guess im not mature enough to realize that I should come first but for now, knowing that they are proud of me makes me proud of myself…hall closing was emotional as always…this Spop definitely touched me because it was the first time I really felt I touch lives, not to say I didn’t touch lives in spop 4 but spop 5 gave me a feeling of accomplishment…I had a couple of spoppers who actually looked up to me and told me to my face, I had some not wanna leave the hall even after they checked out because they had sooo much fun!!! I loved spopping sooo much more after 5!!!! I took my sister to the train station and she just talked about how much fun she had and how much she loved her staffers [thanks for taking care of my lil sis staffers of SIERRA]…I was soo proud to be a staffer at that point because my sister is a tough nut to crack and she was crack wide open and I loved it!!!
Sooo exhausted from spop 5 I came home and fell asleep!!!

Being the change I wanna see in the world is so liberating and I can definitely see it…the WORLD IS CHANGING!!!

Safe Place Open People

So it’s been a while since I have written but I think I am mentally ready enough to tell you everything that has been going on…so much has happened in the past week of my life that it is insane! The loss of my godfather, the memorial service of my godfather, my family from Australia leaving, Spop 4, La Crak Scam Fam Bam dinner, my sister coming to spop 5, and spop 5!

amazing!!!! We were the Flavor of Cumbre and flavor is exactly what we got!!! This hall was incredible…there kids of all different majors, different ethnicities, different views, they were just DIFFERENT and sooo much fun to hang out with!!! Of course it was a challenge getting them to talk during the hall discussion after Cross the Line but that’s okay, once the ball was rolling, I was happy with the response…my suite was awesome except for this one TFC and the his unfortunate influence on another spopper…myIt was a real challenge getting myself to be emotionally pumped for Spop 4[the news about Ninong Jack hit me hard...knowing now that when I call he wont pick up the phone hurts so bad…and I feel so badly for my Ninang Pat because she is alone…I have been praying for her]. I know I couldn’t show that I was sad or upset so I did what I always do, which is put on a smile and shine like nothing is wrong…I was pretty excited for Spop 4 first to get my mind off of my mourning and second because I needed to have a better experience than Spop 3…needless to say, Spop 4 exceeded any expectations I would have had of any Spop…my spoppers were attitude towards this TFC was different, instead of being sad that he didn’t wanna give anything a chance I was like, “GOOD! DON’T BE HERE and WASTE MY TIME!” I guess I cared less because of what I went through in Spop 3…I realize now that it was the wrong mentality to have…there were two spoppers who stood out to me…Allie and Jessica…gosh I wish they were in Prado with me but then they probably would have acted differently…these girls were sooo chill…Allie was the first person I met in Cumbre and her attitude towards UCI was exactly what I needed, she already loved the school so now she was at spop to really make friends and have a good time…Jessica was one of the ones who stepped up for our hall cheer…she was our “Bon Qui Qui” and she lived it up…her smile and enthusiasm just made me fall in splove even more…our spoppers were amazing and gifted which kept me going, but it was the staff that held me together…no one knew it but I was breaking inside…I was sad about my godfather but I didn’t want anyone to know…no one needed to know about it, I didn’t want to infringe upon someone else’s staffing experience…

but I was sooo thankful to have an amazing staff….

First my CP Lilly: she was sooo creative with our “costumes” which put me in such a good mood…we each got a crown [naturally me because I am like royalty] and then a clock with our faces on it [again another thing to show off me] lol jk jk…Lilly was sooo nice and supportive of everything, she really kept us together…she was the perfect CP she gave us the power to step up as staffers but also stepped forward when she needed to.

Layla: staffing with her is legit! Twice in a row was sooo lucky because I already knew how she was as a staffer and I trusted her and she made me feel more comfortable staffing because we went through the same experience.

Andrew Liang: he was one of the people I thought I would never staff with because we were always around each other. We hung around most of the same people, we went to all the same practices, spoptics, and eating sessions, but I didn’t realize that we never hung out hung out so it was awesome to get to staff with him.
Diana H: She is the sweetest person in the world…I loved her because she threw a party for the July 10th birthdays but I loved her more because she staffed with me!!!! she was just the right kind of flavor to add to our mix of love!!!!

Belyn Lai: Oh my god!!!! I am sooo glad to have staffed with her!!!! She is seriously an angel! She dedicates everything he has to her spoppers..its true I have seen her do it!!!! When I gave up on my TFC Belyn didn’t and that’s when I saw the true angel that she was…what I found to be nothing, she tried and looked for the GOLD, and I appreciated her for that…the TFC didn’t realize that an angel tried to save him but its okay because he is lucky that someone tried to save him!

Finally, my Spops Martos: never did I ever think I would get to staff with my Spdad because we are sooo close…..we hang out almost every day and I would have thought that the coords wouldn’t want to pair us together! Thankfully they allowed us ot staff with each other and it was GREAT! Martos always has something to say, we all know that, and I was sooo glad to have him on staff because he lightened up the moments that would have been silent…to watch him staff is such a privilege…he loves the program soo much and its amazing to see that he truly puts his heart and soul into each spop and into each spopper! He is truly an inspiration to me and I am so glad that he is my Spdad!!!!

SPOP stands for Student Parent Orientation Program but to me it is a Safe Place with Open People!!!

It helps me be more me and helps me grow more as a person and a staffer!!!!

my world is a lot emptier today...

there was a man there from the start,
who always has a place in my heart.
a man who loved me soo much from far away
it was like i saw him everday.
he's gone forever and out of my life,
this loss so hard i cannot cry.
he only wanted the best from me,
and now my best he'll never see.

he's gone from this lung disease,
gone so soon but now in peace.
i regret not being there at his side,
not showing the love i chose to hide.
he was my hero, my support, my Ninong Jack,
from the second i was born he had my back.
i took for grant this great man,
i only cared about that check getting to my hand.
my selfishness was all i could see,
nothing else, no one else but me.

now he's gone and theres nothing sent,
oh how i regret, not having time we could have spent-
together. while i was growing up,
to see his smile, him laugh, and remember a hiccup.
all i remember is he is my Ninong Jack,
the godfather who always had my back.

Monday is when he was taken away,
never to return, but us wanting him to stay.
when i found out he wasn't coming back,
i was speechless, dumbfounded, i wanted Ninong Jack.

R.I.P John "Jack" Silva
Monday July 14, 2008

"during the time i am supposed to be changing lives....no one knows how much you have changed mine"

true test of the mind, body, and soul

so I'm officially not a SPOP staff virgin anymore!!! Spop 3 was definitely
one for the books........2 All girl halls, a good handful of first time
staffers, and a first time ever singing performance at the Talent Show!!!

i was seriously sooo excited for M.F.O (my first one) i'm pretty sure i
told everyone i could how excited i was.........i tried soo hard to not
have expectations about anything for M.F.O.i heard about 1 and 2 being so
great and i was like awesome spop 3 is going to be great too because we
have a great staff for it and of course ill be there soo itll be perfect
no matter what...boy was i wrong!!!

first my S.A.S had nothing that i wanted, like check-in or ask the
anteaters but whatevs that was nothing........when i come back from making
signs i discover that my hall, PRADO, was 1 of 2 all girl halls!!! i was
sooo shocked, "no boys for me to do suite discussion with?" "FUCK!" i
couldnt believe it, my first one and i didnt even get a group of guys to
discuss with or connect with...i had to team up....such a let down..........
so then i go
to academic advising, that was fun, i got to talk to a bunch of freshman
about my experience taking classes and i got to help them pick out their
schedule.....when lunch rolls around, i see my CP and she says go in there
and talk to them and i ask how they are and she says, "they are going to
be tough to crack." So i go in and right away i spot some so-called TFC girls.
i thought score i can do this lemme try and crack em. the second i sit down,
CRASH and BURN!
these girls were just not having it, i tried doing the small talk and getting them
excited for the res of the
days but nothing worked!!! i was so thrown off of my game that i couldn't think of
anything to say, there was
so much awkward silence that i just wanted to run away and hide under a rock...
finally lunch was over and registration
for classes started, i was safe for a couple of hours doing advising for classes
again....then more time away and to recuperate
with luggage duty...i didn't know what to do...

when i come back from luggage duty....my hall was playing games [the ice breaker
types], i introduced myself and joined in, we played
until i had to leave for early dinner because i was in orientation in 4 acts....
orientation in 4 acts was sooo much fun to do....we got to do mini
skits and stuff, and just fool around.......i think it was sooo fun because we
had really good chemistry among the staffctors [staffers who are actors lol]
so then we went back to the halls, asked the girls if they had any questions,
comments or concerns about Orientation in 4 acts...nothing....then we did cross
the line
it went okay, the girls crossed, and i could see some of them were touched by the
activity....then we went into suite discussions...more silence...at this point kim
and i were just talking
talking about anything...i felt like i was talking out of desperation....it was a
hard read...finally that was over we went to cha, i got to talk to 2 girls while
chilling over there and finally i started to smile
it was cynthia and another girl (i totally forgot her name but i hope i remember
it lol) anyways they were just asking about school and professors and stuff, it was
the conversation i needed to have at that point

sooo when we are about to leave, my spmom Anne comes up with one of my spoppers
and is like yeah she was in puente and i was like OMFG! wow i was shocked i cant
believe it, lone behold it was one of the girls from lunch,
so i talked to her and was like girl why were you in puente?
why dont you like us? you know all i wanna do is hang out with you and you left me!
she was like i was with my friends they are bad, blah blah blah and i was like okay
just promise me you wont leave
again.......she promised [it was an empty one].........we went to the dance
gathering on top of mesa structure and it was chill! at first i was scared cuz
my girls were tough already and things at the structure were not started! i
just wanted my girls to have fun....things started, everyone was having a good time
getting hyphy with karen, then we went down a floor and ran around to
Miss American Pie which was AWESOME!!! we left the gathering and instead
of going back to the dorm...we took the girls on a mini tour

this part was the best....ALWAYS REMEMBER the ROCK GARDEN ...we did photo shoots
with the girls at various spots between the arts school and aldrich! it was a good
time...a time where i thought for sure things would turn around, and for a while it
did.....at the rock garden we opened it up for more comments, but NOTHING!

the next day, i was down on myself because i was feeling like a failure as a staffer,
why didnt these girls open up, am i doing something wrong, how can i be better, why
did the coords do this to me on my first time, why wasn't i ready for this? these
were all the questions racing through my mind before i slept and when i woke up!
on top of all of that the TALENT SHOW was only a few hours away and i wasn't sure i
was ready for it! i was running around all morning trying to sort out my head, what
if i mess up? omg my solo is going to suck! how am i going to save this spop...for
the girls and for myself....am i even doing a good job? i'm definitely not changing
a life this time...
i was talking with a few staffers before the talent show and i mentioned being
down about my girls and HJ over heard, she pulled me aside and gave me a pep talk........
she brought me to the side and asked me the deal....i told her how i felt down and out
...then she told me that she was sad to hear that i was down because the last thing
the coords ever want to do
is make someone feel upset.......she told me that it was going to be okay and that
maybe i learned from this experience...she was right........gosh hannah johnson is
so wise!!!!
i couldnt help but feel better after that convo......now all i had to worry
about was my talent show performance!
first Spopstar, that was soo much fun, then i got to rest during spimprov,
then spopapella! OMG sooo much nerves, sooo much adrenaline...spop-a-cola...then
hard to say goodbye [chris cialeo first, david duran second, patricia lee third,
then.....me]
OMG soooo crazy i was terrified and i opened my mouth, i dont remember a thing
if i was good or bad but all i know is that people cheered and it was over!!!!!
still terrifying but i did it and it felt good!

after the talent show, we went back to the hall, we played the touch game...
first i didnt think i would get touched at all because it seemed like the girls
didnt like me.....but when i was getting touched i realized that i did stand out
to them...maybe they weren't the talkative bunch and weren't super outgoing like
other halls but what i did really mattered to them, and i didnt need them to show
me that what i was doing mattered because they saw it.
the touch game helped me realize that i was wrong, and that my girls really did
like me!
we closed and i told them how much it meant for me to staff a hall like theirs
because it was an all girl hall, it was my first time, and it was that much of
a challenge for me [but i didnt tell them they were a challenge]
the girls left after we took our hall photo and i was left with a feeling of
contentness......yeah i didnt get a first time hall like most other staffers did
but i got something better...i got a hall full of challenge and potential....a got a
hall that made me a better staffer, i got closer to 6 people who experienced the
same challeneges i did, and i got over one of my greatest fears, while doing
something that i love doing.

Much love for the Pearls of Prado!

when we closed the hall with the staff, we talked about our challenge as a
whole and we all agreed that it made us better.
I learned sooo much from this first experience...i learned not to let the
TFC kids get me down and focus more on the ones that appreciate what i'm doing....
i learned to love myself for me [i've been learning this for forever!!!]...
and i learned more about 6 beautiful people and how amazing each and everyone
one of them are!!!
i was told that i was going to change lives, little did i know, this experience
CHANGE mine!!!

if it wasn't for these 6 people, i wouldn't have had this life changing experience!


Mel...my CP...thank you sooo much for being such a great and fearless leader!!!
our hall was tough but you were always positive about everything and you never
stopped encouraging us to have fun! you made my first experience amazing!

Karen...i am sooo glad that i got to staff with you...you made everything soo
much easier for me...i was so surprised at how comfortable i was with you which
helped me enjoy myself so much more!

Layla...i knew i wanted to get to know you better and hang out with you
and staffing with you for the first time killed both of those birds with one stone!!!
you are soo amazing...you wisdom, insight, easy going attitude, and pure
love for life really helped me persevere....thank you soo much for the pep talks
throughout the two days!

Krystal...i am sooo jealous of your beauty...it is ridiculous.....
thank you soo much for your support from the sign making to the general talks
about the days...i am sooo lucky to have staffed with you my first time!!!

Kim...my co-suite discussion leader...i remember seeing you talking with the
girls for the first time at lunch and it just seemed to come sooo easy and
natural for you...i strove to be more like you in your staffing ways the whole
program!!! you are an amazing staffer and whoever gets in a hall with you next is
UBER lucky!!!

Roger...it was an honor to get to staff with you for your first time as a staffer...
your insight and wisdom really helped me keep an open mind...thank you soo much for
just being there and for being a great returner!!! you are going to be an amazing CP!

this first one was a learning experience from the start...
i have grown soo much and i hope that i will be ready for the next one...
SPOP 4 here i come and i'm not taking any prisoners!!!!!

ready to p0p

for those of you who were with me today at the aquarium, you know what that means haha..........finally after 10 weeks of training, an emotional weekend, and 3 and a half months of bonding, the time has finally come!!!!
MY first ever SPOP.........SPOP 3 baby I am soooo ready!!!!
this past weekend i was working as an RA fr UCI Teach Math and Science and it was one of the greatest most rewarding, eye-opening experiences of my life.........i was kinda anti at first cuz i was down about it falling on my birthday but by the end i was really sad about the program ending......TEACH really got me excited for SPOP because the participants i interacted with were just like freshman, they had so many questions and so much curiosity and i was confident in how well i handle every situation i was put in.....this weekend prepared me for the challenge/experience of my first SPOP.....its only sunday and SPOP is on wednesdau but i seriously cannot wait.....i'm ready to learn, change, influence, and inspire.

one of my guys in my suite, Alvin, on his way out said this to me, "Thank you so much for making this experience so great. i can't wait to be here in the fall." it really made my day and it really made me feel like i can really be a great staffer.

"i'm ready to be the change i see in the world...and i am ready to change the world!"

heart-2-heart

there is a returner on staff that i have always looked up to but never had the courage to talk to or ever thought that he would want to get to know me......i thought this person was TFC, the returner that was a returner to just to say he was.....but i looked up to him because i saw how comfortable he was around the large group of people we were supposed to be staffing with, he looked confident in and with himself, and everyone seemed to like him.

we started off on the wrong foot a month or two back and then kept going on the wrong foot a couple weeks back, and stayed on the wrong foot for a while until yesterday.....yesterday was the turning point in our acquaintanceship [i denno what to call it just yet lol] we sat down and i think it was one of the greatest talks i have ever had with anyone......it was a talk about life, life in the present, life in the now.....it was a talk that truly inspired me to be better; a better staffer, a better person and a better friend. i think it also helped him know what a first year like me would expect and has expected from a returner like him. he got a look into what i would like to see better. i think he learned he learned the same from me but what he didint know is that he became a better role model.....yesterday JEFF FONG stepped down from the role of TFC exclusive returner in my eyes to my role model, the kind of returner i want to be, the kind of staffer i want to be, and the kind of role model i want to be....yesterday he stepped up to the plate, he took responsibility for his actions and his words, i took responsibility for mine and we talked...my talk with jeff was really satisfying.....things were said that needed to be said, apologies were made. he truly cared about my well-being and my feelings. he acted like i would expect any other returner to act. he gave me the words of encouragement that a first year staffer needed to hear when they are overwhelmed by their thoughts/actions.

i just wanted to say thank you to JEFF FONG taking the time to do that....even if you did do it cuz it was my birthday haha just kidding.....he even encourage me to start this blog/journal.....it really does help get out frustrations and emotions.

WHY i love birthdays!!!!

okay sooo yesterday was my 2-0th birthday and i must say that it was the best yet!!!!
first off i got to share my birthday with 2 AMAZING people (David Duran and Janice Kang) David turned 23 and Janice turned 21 so yeah im still the baby haha.......wednesday i officially started working for the UCI Teach Math and Science being a summer RA.......there wasnt a curfew that night so Martos Angie and I went out......Diana Huynh the coolest girl ever had a get together to celebrate the ending of SPOP 1 and the July 10th birthdays!!! it was sooo nice of her to open her house and do that for us.....i love spop get togethers because there is sooo much SPlove it is ridiculous! getting to see all my favorite faces all under one roof is the greatest feeling in the world.....but anyways, the during the day of my actually birthday the program started bright and early (7 am, i was up at 6)!!!! 3 hours of sleep and a program involving A LOT of walking/talking= not okay!!!! i was counting down the hours until i was off!!!! David and I planned a barbecue festivity to lead into the night festivities....the barbecue was soooo much fun!!!! the biggest surprise was my SPmom coming!!! it was just a chill time with good people, good food, and great laughs...i ended my night at Spimprov practice only to get suckered into it for SPOP 3 [dangit]! then back on duty at 1030......okay that was my day.....but thats not why i love birthdays!


i love birthdays because of how special you feel when someone wishes you HAPPY BIRTHDAY or when someone says oh its your birthday you dont have to do this or that, dont feel bad its your birthday! i love that people take the time out of their day to call you or go on facebook to your page and wish you a happy birthday.....i love that even though they may not have remembered or known and facebook told them they made they effort to send you a message....its the little things that make birthdays great! yeah the BIG fun things are awesome and everyone gets together but its the little things before and after that make the feeling last!!!!

i would like to say thank you to each and every person who took the time out and said happy birthday to me or thought of me on my birthday....you guys made it amazing, a birthday to remember, and will always have a place in my heart!!!!

...was just the PURSUIT, not the REWARD!!!!

This blog is all about revelation, realization, and true HAPPYNESS....

during my depressive stage, i applied for SPOP (i also applied for a position in housing but thats a different matter). i don't know why i did it to be honest, i just felt like applying for stuff and doing interviews (i love when people ask me about me) haha! jk....but i guess i was desperate for anything to get me out of my slump.....applying for spop and housing gave me a chance to shine for realz........funny thing is, SPOP was a group interview.......the difference though is that you are competing for a spot among ten other applicants in the room at this time and for me i was showing myself to 2 "powerful" people instead of an entire chapter (i denno it kinda makes a difference to me).....getting SPOP was the first positive thing i had received in sooooo long i couldnt even react.......like i was happy and i knew i was happy but no one could celebrate with me, first because i couldnt remember what happy was because inside i was dead, second my roommates didnt know anything about SPOP, and third because my friend didnt get SPOP, on the outside i was just like yay, woohoo, alright.......but really i was thinking what? really? i got it? i cant believe it! but alright i can do this!

training began and i just walked into a room of overwhelmingness........i saw all the people and faces and how they were all talking and already grouped i was like FUCK i cant do this everyone is already found someone and i am alone.......i was sooo awkward it was ridiculous!!!! then the FUCKING icebreakers started!!! i hate ice breakers with a passion, it makes awkward people more awkward!!!!! i tried to lower my voice so it didnt sound sooo high, i didnt make eye contact with anyone i met.....i was really about to give up and be like okay nevermind i cant do it.....the first couple weeks of training were tough!!!!

after every training there were spoptics that i never went to.......i always made excuses when someone would ask me if i was going.......oh i'm too busy, oh i have sooo much homework to do, oh i have to do this....so on and so forth....i was afraid that if i went to the spoptics, i wouldnt find a place or a person to connect with and that i would be a failure yet again, so i just decided not to go and be content with knowing that i got spop.

the turning point for me was when my SPdad, one of my best friend and i planned the first Blacklight SParty of the quarter!!!! it was awesome.....i was going through weeks of knowing no one except my Spfam and 2 other friends.......sooo many spopheads came out and showed their support, people were calling me to see if it was still going on and i got to meet a good chunk of staff!!!! the best part though, was that after the SParty, i made new friends in SPOP! i had a connection with people i had never met before.....forever we will always have the BLACKLIGHT SPARTY of 2008!

after that i was changed......i felt empowered to do anything and make a connection, in fact it became my goal, to have at least one thing with every staffer that no one else has. it is still my goal to this day.

thats most of my story.....since spring quarter it seems like all of negative aspects of my life and the things that made me a SHADOW have faded away, I feel like once again I am ALIVE and WELL......my heart is mending, my confidence is building, my mood is brightened, my self has been centered ;)........i am, at this point, truly unbelievably HAPPY!!!!!

my PURSUIT of Happyness...

so.....its officially wednesday the day before my birthday.....I'm at my usual (TBC) hanging out with my spopheads and I cannot be more content with my life! i am soooo happy with where i am and what i am doing....
I was thinking about that movie the Pursuit of Happyness and it is amazing to see how it fits to my life this past year and a half...college has been extremely tough on me and i am mostly to blame for my hardships. I went from a honor student, ASB freak, Church freak, all around good kid to a mediocre just barely getting by student, uninvolved, distanced from faith, unmotivated shadow.
I was a shadow. a shadow of my former self, a shadow of who i wanted to be, a shadow of what i had dreamed about since i was five.

If you met me last year, you would have seen how much of a shadow i really was. i feel like i started my experience here at UCI totally wrong. Because i didn't go through SPOP i came in with stereotypes, pre-conceived notions, and walls higher and longer than the GREAT WALL of CHINA. i wanted to start fresh in college, no invovlvements, no activities just school and friends. well friends didn't come easy and school came with the punches. i spent most of my days couped up in my room being self conscious and afraid. I was failing my classes because i was too afraid to ask for help let alone know where to look for help. i was a disaster.
getting through that first quarter was only the beginning. i finally thought i found a place in my dorm, i had a group of friends to call up and hang out with and share classes with. but as soon as i thought i was getting settled, the idea of being GREEK became the newest trend in the dorm.

Two of my best friends wanted to be greek, and i definitely wanted to try it but i just didn't have the confidence in my self to do it alone, sooo once i found out about them doing it, i thought i would be okay and comfortable. that endeavor ended horrible...let's just say a mix of alcohol and emotions does not bring out with best in people (aka me)....I had become obsessed with Greek life, i knew everything that was going on, who was in which thing and what they were doing and this and that, i was disgusting. My obsession took a toll on my confidence, demeanor, and destroyed whatever pride i had in myself. I realized that I was not good enough and was never going to be good enough. the funny thing is, i tried to be greek a total of 3 times and each time my hole was dug deeper and deeper, and i was burying myself. I buried myself in more self doubt, self-pity, depression, hate, loathing....just pure negativity and i liked it. i continued to surround myself with greekdom and more negativity. i guess i did it because i didn't know anything else, i was too scared to be rejected by another group of people to try and do something else with my life. the sad thing is because of my obsession and my depression i damaged a friendship with one of the greatest people i know (but that's a thought for another blog).

at this point, my pursuit is a personal struggle with myself and i realize that now but things just did not seem to go right for me, not even in the right direction...to make matter worse, i failed out of my major...

why am i doing this???

okay so i started this blog thing, well because i have sooo much on my mind it needs to get out!!!
i was going to start a journal but im at work, i dont have paper and i dont have money to buy one.
i hope that whoever reads this, or if anyone reads this, will find it entertaining. i'm not profound or philosophical, if you know me you know i am not, but im just a real person with a million things running through his head....im sorry if what im typing doesnt make sense in my blogs, i just gotta get these things out before i forget them hahaha okay thanks!!!!