my PURSUIT of Happyness...

so.....its officially wednesday the day before my birthday.....I'm at my usual (TBC) hanging out with my spopheads and I cannot be more content with my life! i am soooo happy with where i am and what i am doing....
I was thinking about that movie the Pursuit of Happyness and it is amazing to see how it fits to my life this past year and a half...college has been extremely tough on me and i am mostly to blame for my hardships. I went from a honor student, ASB freak, Church freak, all around good kid to a mediocre just barely getting by student, uninvolved, distanced from faith, unmotivated shadow.
I was a shadow. a shadow of my former self, a shadow of who i wanted to be, a shadow of what i had dreamed about since i was five.

If you met me last year, you would have seen how much of a shadow i really was. i feel like i started my experience here at UCI totally wrong. Because i didn't go through SPOP i came in with stereotypes, pre-conceived notions, and walls higher and longer than the GREAT WALL of CHINA. i wanted to start fresh in college, no invovlvements, no activities just school and friends. well friends didn't come easy and school came with the punches. i spent most of my days couped up in my room being self conscious and afraid. I was failing my classes because i was too afraid to ask for help let alone know where to look for help. i was a disaster.
getting through that first quarter was only the beginning. i finally thought i found a place in my dorm, i had a group of friends to call up and hang out with and share classes with. but as soon as i thought i was getting settled, the idea of being GREEK became the newest trend in the dorm.

Two of my best friends wanted to be greek, and i definitely wanted to try it but i just didn't have the confidence in my self to do it alone, sooo once i found out about them doing it, i thought i would be okay and comfortable. that endeavor ended horrible...let's just say a mix of alcohol and emotions does not bring out with best in people (aka me)....I had become obsessed with Greek life, i knew everything that was going on, who was in which thing and what they were doing and this and that, i was disgusting. My obsession took a toll on my confidence, demeanor, and destroyed whatever pride i had in myself. I realized that I was not good enough and was never going to be good enough. the funny thing is, i tried to be greek a total of 3 times and each time my hole was dug deeper and deeper, and i was burying myself. I buried myself in more self doubt, self-pity, depression, hate, loathing....just pure negativity and i liked it. i continued to surround myself with greekdom and more negativity. i guess i did it because i didn't know anything else, i was too scared to be rejected by another group of people to try and do something else with my life. the sad thing is because of my obsession and my depression i damaged a friendship with one of the greatest people i know (but that's a thought for another blog).

at this point, my pursuit is a personal struggle with myself and i realize that now but things just did not seem to go right for me, not even in the right direction...to make matter worse, i failed out of my major...