This blog is all about revelation, realization, and true HAPPYNESS....
during my depressive stage, i applied for SPOP (i also applied for a position in housing but thats a different matter). i don't know why i did it to be honest, i just felt like applying for stuff and doing interviews (i love when people ask me about me) haha! jk....but i guess i was desperate for anything to get me out of my slump.....applying for spop and housing gave me a chance to shine for realz........funny thing is, SPOP was a group interview.......the difference though is that you are competing for a spot among ten other applicants in the room at this time and for me i was showing myself to 2 "powerful" people instead of an entire chapter (i denno it kinda makes a difference to me).....getting SPOP was the first positive thing i had received in sooooo long i couldnt even react.......like i was happy and i knew i was happy but no one could celebrate with me, first because i couldnt remember what happy was because inside i was dead, second my roommates didnt know anything about SPOP, and third because my friend didnt get SPOP, on the outside i was just like yay, woohoo, alright.......but really i was thinking what? really? i got it? i cant believe it! but alright i can do this!
training began and i just walked into a room of overwhelmingness........i saw all the people and faces and how they were all talking and already grouped i was like FUCK i cant do this everyone is already found someone and i am alone.......i was sooo awkward it was ridiculous!!!! then the FUCKING icebreakers started!!! i hate ice breakers with a passion, it makes awkward people more awkward!!!!! i tried to lower my voice so it didnt sound sooo high, i didnt make eye contact with anyone i met.....i was really about to give up and be like okay nevermind i cant do it.....the first couple weeks of training were tough!!!!
after every training there were spoptics that i never went to.......i always made excuses when someone would ask me if i was going.......oh i'm too busy, oh i have sooo much homework to do, oh i have to do this....so on and so forth....i was afraid that if i went to the spoptics, i wouldnt find a place or a person to connect with and that i would be a failure yet again, so i just decided not to go and be content with knowing that i got spop.
the turning point for me was when my SPdad, one of my best friend and i planned the first Blacklight SParty of the quarter!!!! it was awesome.....i was going through weeks of knowing no one except my Spfam and 2 other friends.......sooo many spopheads came out and showed their support, people were calling me to see if it was still going on and i got to meet a good chunk of staff!!!! the best part though, was that after the SParty, i made new friends in SPOP! i had a connection with people i had never met before.....forever we will always have the BLACKLIGHT SPARTY of 2008!
after that i was changed......i felt empowered to do anything and make a connection, in fact it became my goal, to have at least one thing with every staffer that no one else has. it is still my goal to this day.
thats most of my story.....since spring quarter it seems like all of negative aspects of my life and the things that made me a SHADOW have faded away, I feel like once again I am ALIVE and WELL......my heart is mending, my confidence is building, my mood is brightened, my self has been centered ;)........i am, at this point, truly unbelievably HAPPY!!!!!
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