This year marked the FIRST thanksgiving I had to celebrate without my parents. It was kind of a reality check that I wouldn't have the safety net of my home home for very much longer. As my last year at UCI begins to end, I have no idea where I will end up in the next few months to a year. I could be snuggled safely here in Irvine or in the depths of the South or across the country in Jersey or even in a different country like Korea or Japan! Regardless of where I end up, this weekend helped me appreciate the little bits of time I have left! I appreciate the good that my parents do for me and the little things about them that make life so much easier.
This Thanksgiving I got to spend with my SISTER and some of my newest friends in Norte. We all got together to celebrate this amazing holiday with lots of food, drinks, and laughs! It was one of those college experiences that you would never really expect to happen to you. I always spent Thanksgiving with my family, in the comfort of my own home, doing nothing until the food was ready. This year we all got together and made our own little side dishes and came together and had a beautiful meal. My sister channeled my dad's cooking skills pretty well and made stuffing, corn, salad and fresh mashed potatoes! The rest of the food was fantastic. There were 3 pies [apple, pumpkin, and pecan], fruit salad, chips and dip, and of course the AMAZING TURKEY!!!! I couldn't have asked for anything more!
Although I was missing my parents, it was definitely a special occasion for me being able to spend it with amazing people.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
LEGEND of the FALL
This is a brand new year! I feel so refreshed, so anew, so positive!
Things have been going well thus far. I haven't really been in the mood to blog lately, which is so weird because sooo much has been going on. It's my 5th and last year at UCI and I feel like I should be recording every moment and every memory of it but I haven't.
Life is super busy with Norte [duty, CAs, and programs], SigEp [phi coord, songfest, partying, hanging out with bros and being there for my brothers], School [well...it's school], and Family.
I haven't really talked about my time in Norte. But to be honest, this community has been the best thing that has ever happened to me [besides, SPOP]. My 2 years of housing experience have given me to confidence and security to know that I would do this job well. This experience has really solidified the fact that I can do this job for the rest of my life, at the professional level and eventually at the corporate level. There's so much I see that I can improve upon and so much that I wanna do to make the CA experience even better. I really love my team!!! I realize now that no matter where I go and who I work with nothing is ever really going to be perfect BUT as long as I do my best and work hard, everything will come together. I love this job so much that I'm actually burning myself out, which isn't good, but I just love working hard, for a purpose, and with people who actually appreciate me!
My attitude towards SigEp is completely different this year! Not only my attitude, but everyone in the chapter has really changed for the better! We all like each other now instead of pretending to like each other. I really want to put work into this chapter and make it better. I finally feel comfortable and able to put myself out there and just be a brother. I dont have a care in the world because I know that everything I do for SigEp I am doing to put my best foot forward! I've gotten so much closer with so many people in the chapter. I finally feel like I belong and have a solid group of guys to not only call friends, but BROTHERS. I havent felt this way about SigEp for over a year. I was so ready to Deactivate after last year. I couldn't stand the chapter. I hated how it was run, who was in it, how it made me feel. I can't even tell you why things are different now, but they just are! I think I stopped trying to achieve status but just let things be and have fun.
Last night was my Last Fall Formal as an undergrad. It was definitely one of the best SigEp memories I have had. It was so nice to celebrate our Founders in such a relaxed and fun atmosphere.
This fall has been absolutely amazing! I'm sooo happy with where I am right now in terms of the friendships I have, the opportunities I have been given, the things I've been doing. It can only go up from here. I have little less than 2 1/2 quarters left at UCI and it's shaping up to be the best year ever.
It was hard for me to fathom God's plan for me 6 months ago when I was faced with all this rejection, but now I see that he created an opportunity for me to grow as a leader and BROTHER in SigEp, and he is offering me the opportunity to get my life together for graduation!
I am so grateful! Thanksgiving has come early this year!
Things have been going well thus far. I haven't really been in the mood to blog lately, which is so weird because sooo much has been going on. It's my 5th and last year at UCI and I feel like I should be recording every moment and every memory of it but I haven't.
Life is super busy with Norte [duty, CAs, and programs], SigEp [phi coord, songfest, partying, hanging out with bros and being there for my brothers], School [well...it's school], and Family.
I haven't really talked about my time in Norte. But to be honest, this community has been the best thing that has ever happened to me [besides, SPOP]. My 2 years of housing experience have given me to confidence and security to know that I would do this job well. This experience has really solidified the fact that I can do this job for the rest of my life, at the professional level and eventually at the corporate level. There's so much I see that I can improve upon and so much that I wanna do to make the CA experience even better. I really love my team!!! I realize now that no matter where I go and who I work with nothing is ever really going to be perfect BUT as long as I do my best and work hard, everything will come together. I love this job so much that I'm actually burning myself out, which isn't good, but I just love working hard, for a purpose, and with people who actually appreciate me!
My attitude towards SigEp is completely different this year! Not only my attitude, but everyone in the chapter has really changed for the better! We all like each other now instead of pretending to like each other. I really want to put work into this chapter and make it better. I finally feel comfortable and able to put myself out there and just be a brother. I dont have a care in the world because I know that everything I do for SigEp I am doing to put my best foot forward! I've gotten so much closer with so many people in the chapter. I finally feel like I belong and have a solid group of guys to not only call friends, but BROTHERS. I havent felt this way about SigEp for over a year. I was so ready to Deactivate after last year. I couldn't stand the chapter. I hated how it was run, who was in it, how it made me feel. I can't even tell you why things are different now, but they just are! I think I stopped trying to achieve status but just let things be and have fun.
Last night was my Last Fall Formal as an undergrad. It was definitely one of the best SigEp memories I have had. It was so nice to celebrate our Founders in such a relaxed and fun atmosphere.
This fall has been absolutely amazing! I'm sooo happy with where I am right now in terms of the friendships I have, the opportunities I have been given, the things I've been doing. It can only go up from here. I have little less than 2 1/2 quarters left at UCI and it's shaping up to be the best year ever.
It was hard for me to fathom God's plan for me 6 months ago when I was faced with all this rejection, but now I see that he created an opportunity for me to grow as a leader and BROTHER in SigEp, and he is offering me the opportunity to get my life together for graduation!
I am so grateful! Thanksgiving has come early this year!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
the final posts of the challenge
n9ne
My life is...AMAZING right now! cool and relax with a whole lot of FUN!
TENd!
The one confession that I wanna make is....that I push people away. I push people away because I don't love myself as much as I should. Sometime I live in this "fantasy world" where I believe that true friendship and true love exists and that in order for it to be real, I constantly test those people around me to see if they truly value me as a friend and to see if they really "love" me as a person or care enough to want me in their life. I push to the point where they just get fed up. I want someone to love me so much only because I don't know how to love myself. It's hard for me to realize that not everyone is like me and values friendship in the same way that I do. My insecurities are so strong that I am constantly evaluating, examining, reevaluating and reexamining every step I take. I expect so much out of myself and out of others that it has come to a point where I find myself not good enough for anyone and thus I push people away. I find that because I hurt myself so much I close myself off so that no one has the chance to hurt me more than I hurt myself. To wrap it all together, I hide behind a smile so that no one will see my pain. I am so good at what I do that I accept it and push through it.
My life is...AMAZING right now! cool and relax with a whole lot of FUN!
TENd!
The one confession that I wanna make is....that I push people away. I push people away because I don't love myself as much as I should. Sometime I live in this "fantasy world" where I believe that true friendship and true love exists and that in order for it to be real, I constantly test those people around me to see if they truly value me as a friend and to see if they really "love" me as a person or care enough to want me in their life. I push to the point where they just get fed up. I want someone to love me so much only because I don't know how to love myself. It's hard for me to realize that not everyone is like me and values friendship in the same way that I do. My insecurities are so strong that I am constantly evaluating, examining, reevaluating and reexamining every step I take. I expect so much out of myself and out of others that it has come to a point where I find myself not good enough for anyone and thus I push people away. I find that because I hurt myself so much I close myself off so that no one has the chance to hurt me more than I hurt myself. To wrap it all together, I hide behind a smile so that no one will see my pain. I am so good at what I do that I accept it and push through it.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
5..6..7..8..
Cinco- I try not to live my life with regrets because I feel that every mistake or failure is a learning experience. I am going to attempt this in that by maybe not going that route, I would have ended up differently.
-I wish I never gave up football. I've I had stuck with it, I might have been a healthier person and been going to a different college and leading a different life.
-I wish I never convinced myself that joining a fraternity was THE THING to do. Instead, I should have joined when I was ready and maybe my friendships with my 2nd year roommates would have been better. Maybe I would even be more confident in myself rather than self-loathing.
-I wish I never lived off campus. Maybe if I wasn't so scared of losing my friends from the dorms and lived in VDC I would have been able to maintain my friendships with my 2nd year roommates.
-I wish I never talked shit about people. Because somehow it leads me to drama or gets me into trouble with the wrong people, people who have power over me in particular. If I took the nice approach to life and kept my words in my mouth, maybe people wouldn't think that I came off as fake.
-I wish I was never so critical of myself. Because if I wasn't then I would be able to live life a little bit more free and brave. If I wasn't so critical of myself I would probably be a different person.
-I wish I never compared myself to others and just took myself as good enough and the best person I know I can be. If I learned to love myself more, I feel like people would love me more too.
Anim
-Mom
-Sister
-Dad
-God
-Rocky
Shi-chi
-Smoking
-Rudeness/being a know-it-all/self-righteous
-Incompetence/people who are dense
-selfish/ego-centrics
8
-hair/eyes
-a wholesome personality
-good dancer
-I wish I never gave up football. I've I had stuck with it, I might have been a healthier person and been going to a different college and leading a different life.
-I wish I never convinced myself that joining a fraternity was THE THING to do. Instead, I should have joined when I was ready and maybe my friendships with my 2nd year roommates would have been better. Maybe I would even be more confident in myself rather than self-loathing.
-I wish I never lived off campus. Maybe if I wasn't so scared of losing my friends from the dorms and lived in VDC I would have been able to maintain my friendships with my 2nd year roommates.
-I wish I never talked shit about people. Because somehow it leads me to drama or gets me into trouble with the wrong people, people who have power over me in particular. If I took the nice approach to life and kept my words in my mouth, maybe people wouldn't think that I came off as fake.
-I wish I was never so critical of myself. Because if I wasn't then I would be able to live life a little bit more free and brave. If I wasn't so critical of myself I would probably be a different person.
-I wish I never compared myself to others and just took myself as good enough and the best person I know I can be. If I learned to love myself more, I feel like people would love me more too.
Anim
-Mom
-Sister
-Dad
-God
-Rocky
Shi-chi
-Smoking
-Rudeness/being a know-it-all/self-righteous
-Incompetence/people who are dense
-selfish/ego-centrics
8
-hair/eyes
-a wholesome personality
-good dancer
Thursday, August 19, 2010
days THR33 and 4ouR
This isn't just how to win my heart but how to win a place in my heart
1.Know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling without me having to say it
2.Surprises, that are well thought out, that don't have to be big...it's all about the little things with me
3.COOKing...even if you can't cook, but just trying makes me happy
4.Share in my humor and have that connection to where we don't have to say anything to each other but just start laughing
5. Being close to my family and having my mother's love is just as important as having mine
6. Sharing something about yourself with me that maybe not EVERYONE would know or could tell
7. Remembering something I said a while back and bringing it up or doing something with it.
8. Telling me something that you appreciate about me or saying something nice about me on a completely random day, just to make my day.
the se7en things that usually cross my mind
1. "Do I smell? Omg I hope not!"
2. "Wait...I don't get it...maybe I shouldn't say anything" lol
3. "If I had my own reality tv show right now, this would definitely be an episode"
4. "I wish my life was a musical"
5. "I don't think they really like me"
6. "I'm bored, what should I be doing right now"
7. "I wish I had the ability to move things with my mind, then doing stuff would be so much easier"<---This one I think about A LOT!!!!
1.Know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling without me having to say it
2.Surprises, that are well thought out, that don't have to be big...it's all about the little things with me
3.COOKing...even if you can't cook, but just trying makes me happy
4.Share in my humor and have that connection to where we don't have to say anything to each other but just start laughing
5. Being close to my family and having my mother's love is just as important as having mine
6. Sharing something about yourself with me that maybe not EVERYONE would know or could tell
7. Remembering something I said a while back and bringing it up or doing something with it.
8. Telling me something that you appreciate about me or saying something nice about me on a completely random day, just to make my day.
the se7en things that usually cross my mind
1. "Do I smell? Omg I hope not!"
2. "Wait...I don't get it...maybe I shouldn't say anything" lol
3. "If I had my own reality tv show right now, this would definitely be an episode"
4. "I wish my life was a musical"
5. "I don't think they really like me"
6. "I'm bored, what should I be doing right now"
7. "I wish I had the ability to move things with my mind, then doing stuff would be so much easier"<---This one I think about A LOT!!!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
SECONDay
1.I am very guarded. I feel like that there are so many walls, I don't even know where my center is. I make myself appear to be pretty open and sharing but I only let people know what I allow them to know. There are very very few people who I really let in, and I don't even think they know everything about me.
2.Apparently my face gives me away. 9/10 times you can probably tell how I am feeling or what I am thinking.
3.It is really hard for me to get over something. Especially when it is something I take personally or care about. I forgive but I don't forget. Over time I am civil and nice but I will always know that you have the power to hurt me, it's only a matter of time.
4.I am constantly thinking about what others may be thinking or perceiving of me and I am always analyzing myself. When I think I also analyze situations. I analyze every decision I make or am about to make and evaluate different scenarios almost to the point where I OVER THINK.
5.I pride myself on being the best person I can be. But I put so much pressure on myself that even my BEST isn't good enough anymore. I put 110% of myself and my effort into something I love, and yet I still feel like I could be better.
6. I am very empathetic. I have experienced a lot of heartache and hardship [probably like most people] but I have made it a goal to make sure that I do what I can to make sure that no one ever feels alone/sad/upset/negative/etc pretty much any emotion that I feel.
7. I'm pretty insecure as you can tell from this list, BUT I am making steps towards loving myself more and being good enough for me.
8. I come off as pretty "aloof" or air-headed[not sure if that's the right word?] but most of the time I am not. I just sometimes say things without thinking about them. Yes, I am a little slow to understand sometimes but it just takes me a minute to really get it cuz I don't wanna misunderstand. And then sometimes I say stuff just to be funny and silly but I guess I am misrepresenting myself.
9. Here's something different but I want everyone to know...My MOTHER is my best friend! She is the most beautiful person and soul in my life. She is the kindest woman to grace this Earth. She is the STRONGEST and most POWERFUL person I have ever known. Her life story is my inspiration. She is funny in her own little quirky way. She is the most resourceful and creative being in my world. When you are around her, you don't feel alone. You don't feel afraid or scared. She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.
2.Apparently my face gives me away. 9/10 times you can probably tell how I am feeling or what I am thinking.
3.It is really hard for me to get over something. Especially when it is something I take personally or care about. I forgive but I don't forget. Over time I am civil and nice but I will always know that you have the power to hurt me, it's only a matter of time.
4.I am constantly thinking about what others may be thinking or perceiving of me and I am always analyzing myself. When I think I also analyze situations. I analyze every decision I make or am about to make and evaluate different scenarios almost to the point where I OVER THINK.
5.I pride myself on being the best person I can be. But I put so much pressure on myself that even my BEST isn't good enough anymore. I put 110% of myself and my effort into something I love, and yet I still feel like I could be better.
6. I am very empathetic. I have experienced a lot of heartache and hardship [probably like most people] but I have made it a goal to make sure that I do what I can to make sure that no one ever feels alone/sad/upset/negative/etc pretty much any emotion that I feel.
7. I'm pretty insecure as you can tell from this list, BUT I am making steps towards loving myself more and being good enough for me.
8. I come off as pretty "aloof" or air-headed[not sure if that's the right word?] but most of the time I am not. I just sometimes say things without thinking about them. Yes, I am a little slow to understand sometimes but it just takes me a minute to really get it cuz I don't wanna misunderstand. And then sometimes I say stuff just to be funny and silly but I guess I am misrepresenting myself.
9. Here's something different but I want everyone to know...My MOTHER is my best friend! She is the most beautiful person and soul in my life. She is the kindest woman to grace this Earth. She is the STRONGEST and most POWERFUL person I have ever known. Her life story is my inspiration. She is funny in her own little quirky way. She is the most resourceful and creative being in my world. When you are around her, you don't feel alone. You don't feel afraid or scared. She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.
Monday, August 16, 2010
dayONE
This 10 Day challenge is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought! It's only the first day!
1.Mom and Dad! Thank you sooo much for bringing me into this world and for providing me with all the love and support anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for accepting my faults and weaknesses. Thank you for everything I ever needed in life and knowing me, even better than I know myself. I am sorry for those times I failed and let you down. I'm sorry for the times I have disappointed you. I am sorry for the times I scared you. I am sorry for making stupid mistakes. Just know that everything I do in life is to make you happy and proud. I live for myself knowing that I am making you smile. I wake up everyday thanking God for having two of the most loving, understanding, accepting, and amazing parents in the entire world. I love YOU both soooo much!
2.Rocky! It has been almost 8 years since you passed. I feel sooo guilty for not going to the vet that day to say good-bye. I regret that moment in my life every day. You were the greatest companion our family could have ever had. I never realized it until after you were gone but we were sooo lucky to have you in our lives. Although you had to stay outside, you were always there. No matter what room we were in, we could look out the window and see you bushy tail, cute face, and purple tongue watching over us. I miss hearing the jingle of your chain collar bouncing happily around the backyard. I miss your soft fur and warm breath sitting next to me and sometimes lying in my lap on those hot summer days. I miss your excited bark whenever a "stranger" would approach the house or whenever you would hear us coming up to the front door. I miss knowing that no matter what you loved us every day of your life and despite if you got loose, you would always come back home. I'm sorry for not being a good master to you. I'm sorry for taking your for granted. I'm sorry for not always taking you on those long walks that you loved so much. I'm sorry for being selfish and put my tv time before your needs. I'm so sorry for not being there for you when you were ALWAYS there for me. I love you boy and I always will. Thank you for teaching me true loyalty and love. You truly embody man's best friend!
3.Kassie! Sister....god you piss me off sooo much! I feel like we have been hanging out too much together and so we are getting on each other's nerves more and more. I can't remember when we had a day where we didn't have some sort of fight. That means we fight a lot. I really hate when we fight. It makes me sad and yet I can't help but fight with you. Even though we fight soooo much I don't worry about us. You have always been there for me, especially in these past few years. I love you sister and I can't tell you enough how proud of you I am. There isn't anyone in this world who is more different than me and yet we are still so similar. You constantly push me to improve and make myself better. Sometimes it's annoying because you make me feel like I am not good enough but it is okay, I know you just want what's best for me. I just want you to know that I am trying to be better :D
4.Erin! I fucking miss you...you DB! I can't believe you just up and left your life here in Cali! how dare you!!!! It's been a long time since I have felt alone! Probably since my 1st or 2nd year in college! I wanna thank you for being one of my closest friends for the past 2 years. Never have I met someone so like me and so naturally fitting into my life. I feel like we just fit together and for some unknown reason you get me and we work. I have learned sooo many things from you....some good and some well not bad...haha jk jk! I really hope God brings us together again! It is really crazy how I don't get to see you everyday of my life anymore. I feel lost a little bit in the sense that I have to think for myself now that you are gone. When we were together I felt comfortable knowing that I had you to back me up or give me insight into the decisions that I made. Now I just go into things blind and prep for the worse while hoping for the best. You have really helped me grow in the sense that I stand by what I do, what I say and how I feel. I know my strengthens and I am aware of my weaknesses BUT I am not afraid! Thank you for making me strong!
5.Brandon, I don't know what happened. I feel like our friendship was a complete lie. I think going on my 5 years in college, you were the one person that hurt me the most. It wasn't easy calling someone my best friend [because I never had any] but you were the one person who took that meaningful title from me and threw it away. I thought we would be friends forever, regardless of our other involvements, but it didn't work out that way and now I just feel like I have this empty spot in my heart that won't fill. I am sad that the friendship that started in Selva our freshman year was not strong enough to last to the very last moment of UCI. Sometimes I blame myself for letting it all go to shit and for being the social pariah that I was. 2nd year was the hardest year for me and you knew that but for some reason it didn't work. Maybe I was too much of a burden for you to be friends with? I mean really, why did you need me when you had your "normal" friends. I forgive you Brandon for deserting me in my time of need. I forgive you for leaving me "to die in the street" when never once did I abandon you. To be honest, I probably will never be able to fully forgive you for being a lousy friend, BUT I am thankful for knowing you. I am grateful to have known that there are selfish people in the world. I am grateful for the fact that I was let down when I was because it was up to me to lift myself back up. I hope you got what you needed out of college and I hope get what you want in life. I hope that I was the last person you ever let down so that no one would have to know my struggle. Thinking back I realize that we wanted different things from our college experiences. I wanted to make a difference, change lives and influence the future. You just wanted to go through the motions and I hope that worked out for you. I truly hope that our paths do not cross again, because I am a better person for it. You taught me so much. You taught me weakness, sadness, loneliness, and self-loathing. Thanks to you I will never have to know those ever again!
6.EA and CW...My BIG BROS! haha There really isn't to much to say here really. We are just US. I joined SigEp because of you. I felt like I belonged somewhere because of you. I finally got the older brothers I always wanted but never had through the both of you. Thank you! The only time I was ever mad at you was last summer, but thankfully everything worked out. One of you never did apologize for that but then I figure, it's just how you are...emotions aren't your thing. I wish we could have all been RAs together, that would have been a really fun experience, plus because I was a really good one! haha just kidding...I owe a lot of my success as an RA to the both of you. You really helped me overcome a lot of my fears and prepare for a lot of the hard moments. I felt super fortunate to have you there when I didn't get called back for returner. Although I was super sad, it was nice to have my reality tv show come to an end haha! I miss the stupid stuff we would do and talk about like my show haha I miss the LATE LATE LATE night talks we had, the random hangouts and of course the AMBER ALERTS! Thank you for making my college experience even that much better. I can't wait until the day we meet up again!
7.Scott [Lil B] I am proud of you! You have 4 years to improve our legacy in SigEp. I wanna apologize for not immediately being a GREAT Big Bro! But I hope you know that I will always be there for you! This isn't goodbye or anything, we still got a whole year ahead of us but I just wanted to acknowledge that you do make me proud. I am so lucky to have you for a lil bro and I really hope that during this year our BB/LB relationship will grow stronger and we will get to be really good friends! I am making a promise right now, this very instant that I will be the best Big Bro you will ever want or have! haha
8.SPOP: Thank you for the greatest 2 quarters of my life! There is no other pride than the one I have for SPOP. Because of the program and the Gold Year staffers I am a better person. Thank you SPOP for giving me something to live for and helping me to start my new life. Thank you for making me feel that I was finally good enough for something. Although I am disappointed with my experiences with the program for the past 2 summers, I am happy to see the positive impact it is making on every future generation at UCI. I am honored to have gotten to know your SpLove and to have felt the Spmagic! I am glad to have the Spmemories and Splaughs and anything else SP...thank you for everything.
9.MESA pro-staff: I put 2 years of endless blood, sweat, and tears into you! I put my heart and soul into your community. I loved you and now I am apathetic. Thank you for again making me feel like I am a one chance charlie! I will never understand what truly goes on behind closed doors but I do know that I busted my ass every day I worked for you. I put my job before myself because that's how grateful I was to get the chance to be an RA. I put 110% every single moment I was in Mesa, even when I didn't get returner I busted my ass. I hope you know that I was one of the best RAs you could have ever had and no one had MORE love than I had for my residents, my hall, my maintenance staff, and the community. My only hope is that in the future you do not let your personal feelings about someone overshadow the job requirements they fulfilled. I hope that you do not punish the future residents from missing out on a great role model, because you are too insecure to address the strong candidate and voice your concerns. I wish you had given me the opportunity to grow and learn from my "mistakes" or at least make me aware of your feelings like you did with the fail of a returner you had last year. I find it completely hypocritical to have allowed that person the opportunity to improve and yet she still failed and with me you did not give me a chance whatsoever. I guarantee you that I would have been an amazing returner and I would have taught the new staff soooo much. But no, you kept it political and corrupt. You missed out on a great staff member and I just hope you realize that! Thank you for fueling my drive to be AMAZING. Thank you for solidifying that working for housing is what I really want to do and when I get to the top, I will prove you wrong!
10.SELVA: I am truly blessed to have such amazing residents like you! Thank you for making me feel successful as an RA when I know that I could have and should have been better! I love you all so much and could not have asked for a greater group of people to work with! I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and I hope that we will be in touch because you know that if you ever needed me I will be there for you!
HOLY CRAP! I didn't realize that this is how my list would turn out! this is unedited. I just wrote and wrote and wrote. I have the opportunity to change my writing right now but I don't want to deny you the full experience into my being! haha enjoy :D
1.Mom and Dad! Thank you sooo much for bringing me into this world and for providing me with all the love and support anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for accepting my faults and weaknesses. Thank you for everything I ever needed in life and knowing me, even better than I know myself. I am sorry for those times I failed and let you down. I'm sorry for the times I have disappointed you. I am sorry for the times I scared you. I am sorry for making stupid mistakes. Just know that everything I do in life is to make you happy and proud. I live for myself knowing that I am making you smile. I wake up everyday thanking God for having two of the most loving, understanding, accepting, and amazing parents in the entire world. I love YOU both soooo much!
2.Rocky! It has been almost 8 years since you passed. I feel sooo guilty for not going to the vet that day to say good-bye. I regret that moment in my life every day. You were the greatest companion our family could have ever had. I never realized it until after you were gone but we were sooo lucky to have you in our lives. Although you had to stay outside, you were always there. No matter what room we were in, we could look out the window and see you bushy tail, cute face, and purple tongue watching over us. I miss hearing the jingle of your chain collar bouncing happily around the backyard. I miss your soft fur and warm breath sitting next to me and sometimes lying in my lap on those hot summer days. I miss your excited bark whenever a "stranger" would approach the house or whenever you would hear us coming up to the front door. I miss knowing that no matter what you loved us every day of your life and despite if you got loose, you would always come back home. I'm sorry for not being a good master to you. I'm sorry for taking your for granted. I'm sorry for not always taking you on those long walks that you loved so much. I'm sorry for being selfish and put my tv time before your needs. I'm so sorry for not being there for you when you were ALWAYS there for me. I love you boy and I always will. Thank you for teaching me true loyalty and love. You truly embody man's best friend!
3.Kassie! Sister....god you piss me off sooo much! I feel like we have been hanging out too much together and so we are getting on each other's nerves more and more. I can't remember when we had a day where we didn't have some sort of fight. That means we fight a lot. I really hate when we fight. It makes me sad and yet I can't help but fight with you. Even though we fight soooo much I don't worry about us. You have always been there for me, especially in these past few years. I love you sister and I can't tell you enough how proud of you I am. There isn't anyone in this world who is more different than me and yet we are still so similar. You constantly push me to improve and make myself better. Sometimes it's annoying because you make me feel like I am not good enough but it is okay, I know you just want what's best for me. I just want you to know that I am trying to be better :D
4.Erin! I fucking miss you...you DB! I can't believe you just up and left your life here in Cali! how dare you!!!! It's been a long time since I have felt alone! Probably since my 1st or 2nd year in college! I wanna thank you for being one of my closest friends for the past 2 years. Never have I met someone so like me and so naturally fitting into my life. I feel like we just fit together and for some unknown reason you get me and we work. I have learned sooo many things from you....some good and some well not bad...haha jk jk! I really hope God brings us together again! It is really crazy how I don't get to see you everyday of my life anymore. I feel lost a little bit in the sense that I have to think for myself now that you are gone. When we were together I felt comfortable knowing that I had you to back me up or give me insight into the decisions that I made. Now I just go into things blind and prep for the worse while hoping for the best. You have really helped me grow in the sense that I stand by what I do, what I say and how I feel. I know my strengthens and I am aware of my weaknesses BUT I am not afraid! Thank you for making me strong!
5.Brandon, I don't know what happened. I feel like our friendship was a complete lie. I think going on my 5 years in college, you were the one person that hurt me the most. It wasn't easy calling someone my best friend [because I never had any] but you were the one person who took that meaningful title from me and threw it away. I thought we would be friends forever, regardless of our other involvements, but it didn't work out that way and now I just feel like I have this empty spot in my heart that won't fill. I am sad that the friendship that started in Selva our freshman year was not strong enough to last to the very last moment of UCI. Sometimes I blame myself for letting it all go to shit and for being the social pariah that I was. 2nd year was the hardest year for me and you knew that but for some reason it didn't work. Maybe I was too much of a burden for you to be friends with? I mean really, why did you need me when you had your "normal" friends. I forgive you Brandon for deserting me in my time of need. I forgive you for leaving me "to die in the street" when never once did I abandon you. To be honest, I probably will never be able to fully forgive you for being a lousy friend, BUT I am thankful for knowing you. I am grateful to have known that there are selfish people in the world. I am grateful for the fact that I was let down when I was because it was up to me to lift myself back up. I hope you got what you needed out of college and I hope get what you want in life. I hope that I was the last person you ever let down so that no one would have to know my struggle. Thinking back I realize that we wanted different things from our college experiences. I wanted to make a difference, change lives and influence the future. You just wanted to go through the motions and I hope that worked out for you. I truly hope that our paths do not cross again, because I am a better person for it. You taught me so much. You taught me weakness, sadness, loneliness, and self-loathing. Thanks to you I will never have to know those ever again!
6.EA and CW...My BIG BROS! haha There really isn't to much to say here really. We are just US. I joined SigEp because of you. I felt like I belonged somewhere because of you. I finally got the older brothers I always wanted but never had through the both of you. Thank you! The only time I was ever mad at you was last summer, but thankfully everything worked out. One of you never did apologize for that but then I figure, it's just how you are...emotions aren't your thing. I wish we could have all been RAs together, that would have been a really fun experience, plus because I was a really good one! haha just kidding...I owe a lot of my success as an RA to the both of you. You really helped me overcome a lot of my fears and prepare for a lot of the hard moments. I felt super fortunate to have you there when I didn't get called back for returner. Although I was super sad, it was nice to have my reality tv show come to an end haha! I miss the stupid stuff we would do and talk about like my show haha I miss the LATE LATE LATE night talks we had, the random hangouts and of course the AMBER ALERTS! Thank you for making my college experience even that much better. I can't wait until the day we meet up again!
7.Scott [Lil B] I am proud of you! You have 4 years to improve our legacy in SigEp. I wanna apologize for not immediately being a GREAT Big Bro! But I hope you know that I will always be there for you! This isn't goodbye or anything, we still got a whole year ahead of us but I just wanted to acknowledge that you do make me proud. I am so lucky to have you for a lil bro and I really hope that during this year our BB/LB relationship will grow stronger and we will get to be really good friends! I am making a promise right now, this very instant that I will be the best Big Bro you will ever want or have! haha
8.SPOP: Thank you for the greatest 2 quarters of my life! There is no other pride than the one I have for SPOP. Because of the program and the Gold Year staffers I am a better person. Thank you SPOP for giving me something to live for and helping me to start my new life. Thank you for making me feel that I was finally good enough for something. Although I am disappointed with my experiences with the program for the past 2 summers, I am happy to see the positive impact it is making on every future generation at UCI. I am honored to have gotten to know your SpLove and to have felt the Spmagic! I am glad to have the Spmemories and Splaughs and anything else SP...thank you for everything.
9.MESA pro-staff: I put 2 years of endless blood, sweat, and tears into you! I put my heart and soul into your community. I loved you and now I am apathetic. Thank you for again making me feel like I am a one chance charlie! I will never understand what truly goes on behind closed doors but I do know that I busted my ass every day I worked for you. I put my job before myself because that's how grateful I was to get the chance to be an RA. I put 110% every single moment I was in Mesa, even when I didn't get returner I busted my ass. I hope you know that I was one of the best RAs you could have ever had and no one had MORE love than I had for my residents, my hall, my maintenance staff, and the community. My only hope is that in the future you do not let your personal feelings about someone overshadow the job requirements they fulfilled. I hope that you do not punish the future residents from missing out on a great role model, because you are too insecure to address the strong candidate and voice your concerns. I wish you had given me the opportunity to grow and learn from my "mistakes" or at least make me aware of your feelings like you did with the fail of a returner you had last year. I find it completely hypocritical to have allowed that person the opportunity to improve and yet she still failed and with me you did not give me a chance whatsoever. I guarantee you that I would have been an amazing returner and I would have taught the new staff soooo much. But no, you kept it political and corrupt. You missed out on a great staff member and I just hope you realize that! Thank you for fueling my drive to be AMAZING. Thank you for solidifying that working for housing is what I really want to do and when I get to the top, I will prove you wrong!
10.SELVA: I am truly blessed to have such amazing residents like you! Thank you for making me feel successful as an RA when I know that I could have and should have been better! I love you all so much and could not have asked for a greater group of people to work with! I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and I hope that we will be in touch because you know that if you ever needed me I will be there for you!
HOLY CRAP! I didn't realize that this is how my list would turn out! this is unedited. I just wrote and wrote and wrote. I have the opportunity to change my writing right now but I don't want to deny you the full experience into my being! haha enjoy :D
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