random babble....definitely needed

I bought a fish! I'm really excited about it actually, it's the first time I have had a pet in almost going on 6 years. His name is Mizu which is Japanese for water, I dont know how appropriate that is but whatever. My fish is beautiful, he is all shades of blue, a kind of dark blue body and he lightens/gets more bold towards his fins, i guess, i dont really know but i love him, he is SICK!

anyways, Mizu has definitely been another positive thing in my life. i love just watching him swim around in his bowl [which is a flower vase that my mother gave me], it's weird how it's only been like 2 days since i've had him and i already notice what kind of personality he has, or maybe i'm just concentrating too much on him lol but he gets really excited when i put food in his bowl. like i can tell, because he is usually chillin at the bottom of his bowl and then when i put food in and he starts like "wagging?" his tail fin like really fast but like he doesnt wanna be rude and eat up like a fatty so he like swims round and round in his bowl and like slowly approaches a pellet then boom in his mouth then again round and round and boom another pellet. he does it like 3 or 4 times until all the pellets are gone and after he is done eating like i feel like to show his gratitude he "dances" for me. he swims to the middle of his bowl and like just does a really beautiful swim/dance, he is so graceful, i get jealous haha.

I dont know if he can see me but when i'm sitting at my desk on my computer i look up and i find Mizu staring at the glass in my direction, its like he is watching me/watching over me. when i woke up these past two mornings Mizu was at the front of his bowl like looking at me. It sounds weird but oddly i feel protected, i feel like he cares. Maybe i'm being weird/ emo and wanting someone to care for me i deno but somehow i feel like Mizu fills that void haha

This weekend I went home after 1 and 1/2 months of being away. My grandpa turned 90 on February 19, 2009. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOLO! It was a joyous ocassion seriously because it was a family effort to put on a huge milestone party for my lolo. it was nice to see my ENTIRE family come together and do what they could to honor the patriarch of our family, for whom we would not exist in the United States without him. For me though it was bittersweet. It was nice to spend time with my grandpa and be with him on his special day, but it killed me to know that he didnt even know it was his birthday. he sat in his wheelchair the entire tim because his body is too weak to stand, meeting and remeeting all these guests we invited, and even some of his own grandchildren, even ME. at one point during the party, my grandpa waved my sister over and in almost a whisper he asked her, "Have you seen my wife? I've been looking for her, but she just left me here. I can't find her." [my grandmother passed away on March 10, 2004 when I was a sophomore in high school.] My grandpa has been mourning for almost 5 years, and this has caused the deterioration of his will to live. It also didnt help that my Uncle, his youngest son, passed away going on 3 years ago. My sister had no idea how to address this question. how do you tell and 90 year old man, that his wife has been dead for 5 years? how do you go and break someone's heart again, on their birthday? My sister went to my dad to solve the problem. My dad took it into his own hands to tell his father, "Itay[dad], Inay[mom] is gone. She is in heaven with Chito." The tears just started to roll down their faces, both my father and my grandfather. the only thing my grandfather said was, "oh okay." and he continued to cry. that's all he ever does now, just cry and i cant help but know deep down, he is waiting to die. it makes me sad because i know my grandpa will forget everything the next day. he will forget his birthday, he will forget our names, and he will forget that his wife is gone, and he will just continue his search.

sometimes i wish there was something i could do to just make his pain go away, make his sorrows subside, make his memory come back, even just for one day. just for one day i want him to be happy again.

I'm sounding ubder emo right now haha but i am trying to stay positive and happy....its the results of my interviews that is keeping me nervous. It was exactly a year ago when i applied for SPOP and HOUSING and coming out of those interviews last year, i was confident in myself, and in my skills. But this year is completely different haha I did my BEST i know i did its up to the team dynamics now. this year the waiting is killer! haha

i promise ill write a happier blog soon!

until then...