CLOSURE in less than 12 hours....that's a record!

I cried today. I wrote my blog earlier. I went to work feeling lousy. I came back to my room started a movie and read a comment from my D-Sis [I FREAKING LOVE YOU REGINA!]. I was talking to Mo online as well telling her of my past 24 hours and as I was typing to her and reading the comment. I exploded! Tears upon tears. God I cant believe I let it happen but it happened, and you know what it felt GOOD! It was well deserved and well needed. After the building emotions for the past 3 months. The stresses and excitements of SigEp, the uber fail with Japanese, the exhaustion of Songfest, and then this emotion of SPOP, the cry was well over due and very very much deserved. I've gained composure now and I have a better understanding of things. It's funny how in a few hours things can change. Like my blog on wednesday I was unknowning and waiting and then this morning so angry/hurt/confused/lost and now clarity and peace.

I had dinner with TK tonight. She really helped me. Everytime I'm doubting or in a bind she is there. She reaffirms everytime why she is why number one! I came back after dinner to more comments [doris, jamie janet lee, HANNAH Johnson] I read them and BAM more clarity! Reading Jason Su's blog.....killed me! How could i be so cruel? So selfish? HERO I'm SORRY....I hope you can forgive my immaturity....SPOP is a priviledge not a right. Its not something I deserve to get, it's something I should be humbled and honored to get again! I understand that now and I do truly apologize! Though I sought answers and understanding I realize getting those answers doesnt change the decision. Don't get me wrong i never once believed that I was entitled to do SPOP again, i just wanted to do good and do right by the first year staffers so bad and so much that I convinced myself that I would be able to do it again. and you know what? I still can, just not this year, but hey who says I cant try again next year.

It's 1 year away but thats 365 days more for me to grow just like everyone says. It's going to be a tough couple of weeks, HELL a tough year pulling myself back onto my feet, but i gotta do it. There's no other way but up from here! There's something in store for me! There has to be, I wont allow it!


Thank you everyone for everything. These 2 days have been WEIRD!!!! Again, I'm sorry for being a downer, it was unexpected, but i truly am proud to say that I was a...
SPOP STAFFER!

i will forever be one and no one can take that experience away from me :)


2009 spop staff...WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!!!