I found this blog tonight as i was trying to find the right words for a new post.....It has not been that long since I've written it but re-reading it tonight after the fact of summer hit me! I am so happy, excited, and exhausted to be where I am right now that I am willing to make myself vulnerable and post the truest feelings i have had all summer on display!
2:45am I cant sleep...my mind races with thoughts upon thoughts
i lie awake most nights lately contemplating the future and reliving my past. theres something about the fear of my unknown future that brings me back to the comfort of my past [both good and bad]...i find myself appeased by recreating the feelings and experiences of my past in my mind...i think and rethink about the mistakes i've made and the stupid things i have done and said that have gotten me to this very point right here and right now...often times i find myself shaking my head to a memory of saying something completely stupid, ignorant, and childish [how could i have been so dumb and naive?!?] and then i laugh. the good thing about the past is that you already know what happens when you go back to reliving it.
I have diverted from blogging this summer because i was feeling sorry for myself! everytime i went to write i erased what i wrote because it didnt seem worthy enough for online publishing. i also felt that the events of my summer did not have much merit since i was not doing spop or changing lives or doing anything AMAZING, i was just sitting on my ass counting down the days.
this summer has been kind of a cleansing time for me as a leader. for the first time in 6 six years i did nothing and although i enjoyed it for the most part i truly did waste loads of time and money. it has been a huge transition period for me going from student to teacher. Starting september i will no longer have the comfort/handicap of "older" friends. they have moved on and are starting to embark on bigger things for the most part. i never thought the day would come where i again would be alone to fend for myself, to take what i have learned these past 3 years in College and apply them to my 4th year, although it is not my last year at UCI, it is the beginning of the closing chapter in my life.
i've been contemplating friendships again this summer [somehow it is a recurring theme each year]...things went down, situations were handled, and feelings were hurt...i put myself through it again...another year another heartache...my sister [my biggest critic but biggest reality check] questions why i stay? why i put up with the bull when i can do better...when i am better? she doesnt understand me and says i have no one else to blame but myself because i put myself in those situations...maybe shes right, maybe i get what i deserve...she says i trust to much and thats why i get screwed in the end...she says i care to easily and that makes it easy for people to walk all over me...she says my heart is too open and thats why i have so much heartache...she says that she closes herself off because she sees how much i get hurt by my so-called "friends"...she says those things to me and i cant help but feel weakened...is it really my fault for her being so mistrusting of others? how am i as her older brother, her protector, her example supposed to respond to that? as much as i would like to close myself off i get in the habit of looking for the good in people and hoping that they will turn out for the best even though everyone else warns against it...this is babble but its an inner turmoil i have been having all summer and i feel that i cant fully give myself to my residents next year unless i address it and figure out a solution to ease my mind. how do u tell someone they are not a good friend, how do you tell someone that you have lost faith in them, hwo do you tell someone you regret putting some much effort into them, how do you tell them how disappointed you are in them only to know that you probably won't phase them because they are too focused on themselves and their final days to even see how much they messed up! is it me? is it really me? i blame myself, i always blame myself....is that being accountable because i put so much faith in a friendship thinking that the golden rule would prevail [do unto other as you would have them do unto you], or is it selfish to assume someone would do the same for me if i did it for them, or is it self pity that i blame myself for caring so much? it helps to be self-reflective and aware but am i pushing into a different definition?
anyways enough about that...this upcoming year looks to be promising...my new home for the year will be at 4077 mesa rd...this hall is special to me as it was the one i resided in during my first year at uci...it was in that hall where i met my first "real" friends at uci and where i experienced my first "real" breakdown and where i felt my first "real" accomplishment in college...so many good times and memories lie within the walls of SELVA and i hope that this new group of residents is ready to build upon that legacy!
another year is beginning...where will the cards fall
the trials and tribulations of RA prep are starting to take their toll....i'm sick with a cold and yet i stayed up til 3am to make posters only to wake up at 10am to begin working and finish by 5pm! training is so fun thus far! I love my team, I cant wait to have experiences with them, I know this year is destined for greatness, I can't wait to meet my residents! Training is the 1st test, Move-in weekend [9/19 n 9/20] starts the beginning of test #2!
We shall see! I hope I can get it right!
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