this post is going to be ridiculous just to let you all know!
First I wanna say that Jay Sean is my new favorite artist! His CD is amazing! He's kinda like my new Ne-Yo, not like replacing him or anything just like adding to that sort of category. I've only just got his album a day ago n I've listened to it 10 times haha! but anyways onto other matters...
it's sooooo weird what difference a few months can make! The outside is still completely amazing...from those of you looking from outside in you prolly couldnt tell the inner turmoils i have...my kids, my commitments, my outer friendships are all under control, the way I keep it. what you dont see, is a me slowly cracking and breaking...what you dont see is this image of myself that i worked soo hard to improve and perfect, slowly breaking down...It's been a long time since i have felt this inadequate, this self-conscious, this broken. I mean I have always questioned my worth, my ability as a leader, as a friend, as a brother, i guess to keep myself grounded and to not keep myself stagnant...I never thought my sarcasm was an issue, yes I was concerned that people would take me the wrong way through my sarcasm but I was always reassured that my actions and how i treated people in the long run would speak louder than my words...it didnt work this time...I overstepped my boundaries at work...I got on the wrong side of the wrong supervisor on the wrong day...I did not know what I was doing or saying but I overstepped and immediately I regretted my actions, too late. I was called in the next day...
I was told that I went too far...I was analyzed and told that I used my sarcasm to make people laugh and in order fit in...I was told that other people noticed and that my impact was affecting their views of me more negatively than positively...I was told in sooo many words that this me wasnt working and I had to change...Never have I felt so small, so inadequate, so imperfect.
Naturally, I run to my support system, my RAs for advice. the contents of that meeting continue to haunt me even as I write...like the wonderful people they are they tell me pro-staff is wrong, they reassure me that I shouldnt change, they are positive that I dont offend people, even as they spoke to me, I couldnt help but beat myself up inside more...that was just the start...
As I tried to run away from my issues by talking with my "inner" circle...we came to the realization that a certain person we considered a "friend" was not a friend at all...As much as I tried to fight it, because losing a friend or being let down wasnt something I needed, I couldnt help but admit that they were right...i was even more crushed...I guess it was like the feeling of discovering that there was no santa, that the person you put sooo much faith and hope into was all just a facade...how could i let myself get that way again?!? how do i fall into the same traps??? admiring people who are less than worthy of admiration, putting faith in people who are guaranteed to let you down...slowly i was chipping away...my dilemma was trying to come out stronger from this situation and instead of trying to stay strong, I grew mentally weak.
I started to retreat within myself, with this retreat I began to speak softer and quieter, i spoke less at meals and group situations in hope that by being quieter and only speaking when necessary would aid in changing peoples negative perception of me...it was hard...i felt like i was punishing myself for doing what came natural to me, for doing what I enjoyed and what I thought made people smile...I was punishing myself for for being me and that hurts! i was losing myself...i constantly questioned, if sarcasm is Karmichael but Karmichael cant use sarcasm, who is Karmichael, who else is Karmichael, how else is he viewed? Is sarcasm all I am? if it is....thats pathetic! then coming to the realization that I am not important or valuable as a member of this RA team broke me down even more...even while writing this I am doubting myself....if you read this and are thinking that all Im doing is feeling sorry for myself you can stop reading...its hard to be so trusting all the time and then be constantly hurt year after year! I guess this is my annual breakdown but i have a feeling this year will contain multiple ones...but anyways i finally broke down a few Thursdays ago...I was feeling super heavy on a day that started out pretty normal and light...I didnt know what triggered it but I was feeling overwhelmed with sadness//disappointment//hate I couldnt fight it...I broke down and I let it consume me...kind of a scary moment that break down...it was as if i lost the most precious thing in the world to me, and in retrospect i kinda was, i was losing myself, my security, my identity. I've been withdrawn for a while now, people have been noticing...I deno if that's good or if thats bad...I honestly dont know how to feel about anything anymore....everything is sooo hot and cold, I love my team and I hate my team, I love myself and I hate myself ,the only constant is that I love my hall and though they do bad stuff all the time, they love me and respect me and accept me [at least i feel good enough to be their RA].
I've been better lately, I've had better days and I've had not so better days...I do what I can to get by...I keep the things I need controlled controlled and the rest I just push back...I'm holding out til winter break in hopes of starting fresh and rejuvenated.
thanks for reading....I needed this purge!
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