unfinished

i've written quite a few unfinished blogs in the past couple weeks and i have come up with a ton of them in my head, but for some reason i havent written them down or been able to finish them. I guess I have been in kind of a funk lately; with school, RA, SigEp, songfest, friends, and family. Being busy and realizing how busy you really are is exhausting and un-motivating. It's kind of like a double edged sword because I wake up think of all the crap I have to do on a day and just think, FML I don't wanna do any of that today, so I don't and I screw myself over more because what I put off til tomorrow builds upon what I put off the day before and when you multiply that by 2 or 3 days it turns out to be a lot more than what I started with. Whoever invented reading as a way to study for class...YOU SUCK!...I miss the feeling of being free and undefined but for a while now I have been feeling like the things I do and my interests have been defining me...What I used to find relaxing, fun, and enjoyable has now become daunting, tiring, and stressful. I guess when you get older and take on more responsibility, that's what happens??? It's just really hard to think about because I never thought life would have gotten this INTENSE.

I used to pride myself on being that person who thrived under pressure and performed their best when things were riding on the line. Now I see myself as that person who just sneaks by under pressure and doing what I can to get the bare minimum. I don't like the person I am becoming, I want myself to be better but it's so hard when you are just so tired [physically, emotionally, and mentally].

I applied for RETURNER this month; SPOP and RA. I hope I get both, I want to get both, but I'm scared that if I get both I will be burnt out! I am afraid that my passion for the things that I love will die and I don't want them to die because I love them so much. I love being an RA; hanging out with my residents, joking with them, yelling at them [jokingly], talking with them, bugging them. I love SPOP. I wanna be a staffer again because of the people I met, the connections I made, and the impact it had on my life. But I'm so scared. I'm scared that I won't be the returner that everyone wants me to be. I'm afraid that I won't live up to the expectations that I have for myself. I don't want what I love to just be another part of my list. I want them to be meaningful and relevant. I'm scared I won't accomplish these tasks.

I miss home. I haven't been home in going on my 6th week. I've been so caught up in the craziness of being busy that I just don't have the time to spend with my parents, and I feel like my relationship with them suffers for it. My friend Erin asked me on friday, "Kar, when are you going to go home? I feel like you never leave Mesa and like when you do leave you don't really go anywhere outside of campus!" I sat there in silence for a little bit. She was right. I don't go home, I haven't gone home in a while. I forgot how much I missed it and how good it felt to be home. I feel bad for letting myself get swept up into all this ish. I take on too much because I want to be able to experience as much as I can before I leave UCI. I blame myself because I let it happen. I'm looking forward to going home and being refreshed.

I need these midterms to be over and as soon as 1 o'clock hits Friday afternoon, I'm on my way!