into thin air

It's 3:30am. I have a final in 5 1/2 hours. Needless to say I am screwed...and yet I am awake.

I watched INCEPTION a little bit ago and I have to saw I was thoroughly impressed. The movie kept my mind running the entire time. I left the theaters wanting more but feeling emotionally exhausted.

While driving home the other night, the idea of Disappearing came into conversation. An acquaintance of mine is a drug dealer and pays everything in cash. We chatted about this behavior and how it was a good way to leave no tracks. If anything were to happen to this person, he could just pick up and leave. He could make it like he never existed. We talked about what it would be like if one day we just picked up and left. Closed our bank accounts, turned off our phones, left our belongings, and left our lives behind without saying a word. My friend said, "Sometimes I wish I could just do that, just to get away for a while."

I thought about it for a while. The thought of straight up deleting my existence went into my mind and left immediately after...NO I WOULDN'T DO THAT! BUT...Actually, it has been on my mind for the past 4 days. I really do wonder what would happen if I disappeared one day. Would people notice? Would people care? Would people look for me? This isn't meant to be some sob story or anything, I am just curious. This thought has been translated from my mind as "What would happen if I died today?" Sometimes I think it would be interesting to shut myself away from the world and turn off my phone, my facebook, my AIM. I think how nice it would be leave everything I know behind and start a new adventure as someone else, doing something else. I think how interesting it would be to start over, but then I think back to, If I disappeared would anyone notice, care, or look for me.

Something brings me back to reality and I think have I been living how I should? Have I been striving to be who I want to be and not who other people want me to be? Am I truly happy or pretending to be happy so everyone else thinks I am okay? I am making a difference and using this precious time GOD has given me to its full potential? Sometimes I say yes and other times I say no.

Sometimes I think vanashing into thin air is the solution to all problems. leave it all behind and float onto the nothingness. then I think vanishing into thin air is a copout. my mind is full of contradictions these days.

My path is long and weary. Where I am going is a mystery but where I have come has been an epic journey.