so lately i've been talking with a lot of people about how things are going with SPOP and how the dynamics are working and whatever...its really cool to hear what other people are thinking and how they look at things...I got to spend some time with Shahirah in the past couple of days[one right before the talent show of Spop 6 and then we went to dinner yesterday]...Shahirah is one of the coolest people I have ever gotten the pleasure to interact with and get close too...If you get a chance seriously approach her or call her up, she sees the world and SPOP in such a different way that it's humbling and eye-opening...she definitely grounded me and helped me to prioritize/realize the life after SPOP...
at dinner we talked about her concerns as a returner in the program and how at this point in her life her priorities are different...I think it is so respectable to realize something like that...I suffer from getting caught up too much in the hype and greatness of SPOP and it definitely has become my life...I told her that it is okay for her to have different priorities because she is already a 3rd year staffer and 2nd year returner, she has definitely paid her dues and passed on her knowledge...I feel like her role now as a returner is not to instill knowledge upon us first years but to guide us in a different way, I honestly think she is here to guide us to life after SPOP, to life after college, she is here to guide us back to our LIVES...I appreciate her so much for helping me to realize this, I definitely need to prepare to re-enter the real world...
I also talked to Shahirah about my role as a staffer/friend and how I think people think I fall into a certain category but really I only act that way because I got placed into that category...Let me try and clarify...I have noticed that I am this DIV type of person who is High Maintenance and demanding, but honestly I'm not like that...I don't know why I act that way when I wasn't raised like that nor do I want to be that way...I feel like people have gotten the wrong impression of me from the beginning...If anything, I want people to remember me as a good staffer, a good person, and a good friend...At the the rate I'm going, I don't know if I will be remembered but I don't wanna be remembered as being High maintenance and demanding. I asked her what I should do to break the stigma...and this is what she said, "SURPRISE PEOPLE! Do something that no one will expect you to do, like if someone expects you to say something DIV, don't do it, just say something nice or nothing at all!"...WOW...I have no idea how I would surprise people, I feel like it's too late in the game to change what people think of me and I'm so used to things now that my comments just come out like "word VOMIT" [LOL]...but yes that was her advice and she's right so I'm going to try it...HA!
There's this other thing that's been on my mind for a while. I feel like I am being forgotten...I really miss the friends that I have made through this program, and I am one who likes to keep my friends close, like if you're my friend, you're my friend for life...AND I like to combine my friends especially if they are all part of the same program...does that make sense? so anyways, i feel like my closest friends from spring quarter have moved on from me and onto newer, better friends...and I know that I have other friends but those friends have other friends they are close with, so basically I'm feeling ALONE....I know right, in a group of 140 people how could you feel alone? I denno it's just a weird feeling...like Spring Quarter I remember people calling me and asking me what I am doing or what was going on at night, and i definitely remember planning a lot of things to do or places to go...Now I find myself asking everyone else what's going on or just sitting at home chilling...I know it's a 2-way street, but it's weird because during Spring Quarter the two-way street didn't exist but now it does...I denno, I definitely miss the old days when we were all just getting to know each other and wanting to hang out with everyone all the time and not just a select few...you know?...I'm just worried because SPOP is almost over and I feel like I'm drifting away from a lot of the people I'm closest too and who have helped me discover more of myself and helped me to be more of myself...it just comes down to my confidence issues and me not wanting to be forgotten...
~PLEASE DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME...I'M STILL HERE!~
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