Hardiness

I took a class on Existential Psychology this past quarter and although it was freaking boring, the things I took away from it truly make sense. My teacher, Salvatore Maddi, was the person who coined the term "Hardiness". Hardiness is the building up of existential courage through commitment, control, and challenge. In order for one to be existentially hardi and have courage, one must consistently choose the future and face ontological anxiety. Ontological anxiety is pretty much the fear of the unknown. If one does not choose to fear the unknown but instead take comfort in the past, then one develops ontological guilt and build up of this guilt leads to depression and other existential sicknesses.

You may be wondering why I threw out all these terms when a) FINALS are OVER and b) YOU have NO IDEA what I am talking about. So one of the things I have tried to do over the past couple of years, especially trying to think of my future after college, is apply what I have learned to every day life and the world around me. Taking this class on existentialism and essentially "Hardiness" was kind of perfect for me. This concept applies to my life so much more, now that decision letters have come out and emotions have settled down.

In this class we learned that in order to live an Authentic Lifestyle of Individualism, you must build existential courage and be Hardi. Coming into this class, I felt like I was already hardi [especially after the toughest 2 years of my life, I couldn't be anything but Hardi]. Then we learned that although one may be hardi now, this hardiness does not last and must always be maintained through commitment, control, and challenge in every day life. I learned that I must constantly push myself forward no matter how uncertain I become. This is where my real-life situations and morals come into play.

Not getting SPOP last year damaged me. The heavy blow to my ego and person started the crack to what I thought was my Hardiness Shield. Getting RA repaired the damage to the shield that I was wielding. Not getting SPOP last year and the pain I felt then, made me not want to apply again in order to save myself from the heartache [that makes me prone to ontological guilt]. Fast forward exactly 12 months...

I applied for SPOP again, going into my interviews confident in myself and my cause. I reapplied for RA being confident in my skills and my leadership qualities to get me a second chance. I applied for Summer Conference Assistant believing that if I didn't get SPOP well at least I would still get to work with them if I got Conference Assistant. I applied for Community Assistant in 2nd year housing [to just have more options].

Decision letters came out FRIDAY...Rejected, Rejected, Alternate, and Congratulations...I was feeling hurt, vulnerable, ANGRY, worthless. All the negative emotions I felt that day overshadowed the Congratulations I received from VDC Norte. All I could feel was emptiness...Deep down I felt, I understand now why it is so much easier to choose the past, to avoid this heartache. My hardiness declined for 4 days straight. The commitment, control, and challenge I faced for 12 whole months was brought down in a matter of hours. Negativity always does that to a person.

This is where the Hardiness comes into play. I messaged the beautiful and wise Hannah Johnson Friday night about how lost I was feeling. She messaged me back after a couple days with the most beautiful, wise, and heartwarming words I could ever imagine. Granted they weren't what I wanted to hear..like "WTF thats BULLSHIT you should have gotten it" but more like "I understand that it sucks but the OPPORTUNITIES for your are still countless. You don't need SPOP to change lives and be who you are. Be glad that you got to be on an Amazing Staff already." She told me to take the time to find out for myself what I wanna do with my last year and enjoy it. Simple solution to such a complex mentality.

This is where the ontological anxiety will be experienced...HJ is right, I don't need to returner or do something again in order to feel good or be defined. My definition comes from the experiences I have had, are having, and will have. SPOP came to me in one of the darkest times of my life and it has brought me out of those times to shine BOLD and BRIGHT. RA has been my dream since I started college and accomplishing and living my dream is enough for me. VDC Norte CA is a new frontier that I haven't clearly defined nor experienced. It should be the perfect start to a new outlook on life. I cant feel the anxiety building...they say when you love something, let it go and it will come back to you one way or another...MY LOVE FOR SPOP WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME but it is time to let it go. It is time to stop living the dream and discover a new reality. I am grateful for the experience I have had and the life lessons I have learned and now my hope is that someone will have just as amazing an experience with SPOP as I did. I LOVE being an RA. The interactions and relationship building I have with my residents and the staff is something I will never forget. Mesa was 3 years of my life [dorms, CP and RA] it will always have a special place but I am called to move on from this place and let fresh ideas flow into the community. As much as I am going to miss being in Mesa and working with professional and student staff, I feel now that it is only RIGHT for me to move on. Mesa will be losing a large asset and a truly dedicated staff member, but they are gaining a new perspective.

Finally, I feel terrible that I haven't been as excited to be a CA in Norte as I should be, and hopefully you all understand that it has been a tough couple of days to actually sit down and rethink everything that has happened in the past 4 or 5 days. Looking forward to my year next year, I wanna be excited and passionate. I wanna find new ways to excel in my leadership and relationship building. I am going into this opportunity completely BLIND and ALONE...I don't have my support system of Erin or Natasha with me next year and that scares me shitless! for the past 2 years, I have been able to depend on them and trust them with my everything...next year I have to find a new faith in people and depend more upon myself. This is where the Hardiness begins to rebuild itself...I must COMMiT myself to spreading my wings and putting myself wholeheartedly into Norte next year, I must CONTRoL my attitude and personal situations in order to be successful in my position next year and I must CHALLENgE myself to make the best out of my situations and taking every opportunity to learn about my position, about others, and about myself.

...the next few months are filled with NEW CHANGES and NEW OPPORTUNITIES...HARDINESS is beckoning!